still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[gatsby11]

Hey NM,

I'm going to respond to things I've seen you say on other threads! First, you were TOTALLY right about the space for the WH not being a time to "think and grow." That is reserved for us! With an OW, there's just a lot of space to run and explore that. (P's thread.)

Next, this is from BD's thread. (And the DLS posts.) Have you given up on your sitch? I seem to see from time to time that you say that you hoped your WH would return after S was born. But now you see that was foolish. (I'm trying to rephrase you.)

But couldn't he still want to return? After the child is born is a looooong time! Yes, it could still be three years out. Can you wait that long? Can you DB during that time? For me, I don't know if I can wait that long. I do think I would say that I was done.

Just thinkin'.

Also, I totally know what you mean about your real self being kind and considerate towards H. I think I'm the same way. So your distance is a tactical DB move, right? Like a 180? I think you should still try it out for a little longer knowing that it's not the way you really are. Just to see if you get a change from him.

K, off to work!

[newmama]

Gatsby, I just re-read my response to DLS and I don't see where I said anything about being foolish for thinking WH would return after S' birth. I really thought he would! I said I did everything DLS suggested and it didn't work.

I still believe that for you 3 (you, Piano and Babydoll), your H's may come around post birth! I have read it happen to many others in the marriagebuiders forums and the surviving infidelity forums.

I do think it is smart though for you all to prepare to be single moms (mentally) so that it will make it easier to do the DBing tactics you need to do.

Hell no I won't wait 3 years! People have been telling me on my thread that WH could do this limbo forever. I knew he wouldn't and I knew that I would get to a point when I wouldn't-

Here is what I do know. I will take some time to really focus on me and be the best newmama possible, to heal and then start dating. I could see myself starting to date maybe within the next year. When I do start dating, it will be with quality guys who want a family or who have a family already. lol- divorced of course! (I wonder how many will be divorce to do infidelity though!)

I really really need to shut WH out and not consider him a possibility so that I can detach. I need to not see him or interact with him. I tried to detach while he was hanging at the house but it was too impossible. I do still love him but he is with OW and doesn't want me! So there ain't nuthin I can do about that.


Ok one more comment about divorce- I think it was you who said that if you divorced, you didn't think that would prevent you and your H from ending up together. I remember reading how you weren't "afraid" of it and just wanted to get it over with. So now I am minimizing divorce and look at my SIL who remarried her H after he divorced her and see anything is possible. The other benefit of divorce is if they want to come back to us, (at least for me) I would be able to hold a higher standard than if he came back during limbo.

[newmama]

one more thing- even though I believe WH will go through with the divorce, I am not doing anything to push it along. I won't bring it up.

Thanks for suggesting I stay distant from WH as I continue to see him. Maybe when the divorce is final I will be nice again- confuse the hell out of him lol!

[gatsby11]

Hey! Yeah, I don't think you ever said foolish. Maybe just that you wish you hadn't hoped so much for it. (And I'm not just going off of yesterday's post, but a couple of posts you've made since I've known you!) No worries about that, it just sounded like you had given up on your sitch entirely!

I guess you know it "didn't work" because he kept talking D, huh? I see. But everyone says that if an OW is in the picture, not much works! So maybe that strategy would work at a different time.

Oh, no 3 years? I love your response "hell no!" That's what I think, too, about that long. One of those "Aw, hellllll naw!" (Of course, 3 years out, I could change my mind; never say never!)

I think dating is a really good idea. I don't even think it's bad to date somebody just for the fun of it without real interest in 'forever.' Gotta be clear with them about that, though, of course. But it would just be for you and getting your feet wet again, all that stuff.

Your SIL remarried her ex-H? Wow! Yup, I still believe things could change even after D. You ever seen "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin? Might be fun to catch.

Well, I learned that three of my classes were cancelled today, so I had extra time to get on here! But now I actually have to get back to work.

[newmama]

let me explain--if I am available, he is remorseful and willing to do anything I need--then 3 years from now who knows...

just saw this from Robx's thread:

crisis & fear of loss motivates people to action,
it's a little sad that this is usually the only thing that motivates people to move to action but when you accept reality for what it is, you have to accept human nature for what it is and when you can just accept it instead of trying to rationalize it with your morals and ethics, you will find just as I have found in my own situation that fighting reality moves you backwards, not forwards so just accept reality and use it, reality works because it's reality and everything else isn't

this is where I am at. no more fighting for the M, no more hoping. I will continue the new course and whatever happens, happens! These next few months and year will be putting WH into crisis because he will get to see the consequences of his decision- no more house, interruption of life with OW to make room for S, no more communication with me, explaining his version of why he divorced me and how he is suddenly with OW, experiencing more pressure from her for a commitment, feeling guilt over disrupting S' life and taking my family from me, etc.

[newmama]

just signed up for a spa party tomorrow night through my divorced/separated single parents meetup group. First I wasn't sure because I want to work out. But then I remember that WH has S overnight tomorrow so I can go and work out when I get back!

Next Monday is a martini happy hour get together with the same group (different people). So I will go to that as well.

Thursday is my next therapist appointment.

On Mother's Day I have plans with my mom and grandma and family.

Just need to figure out something for Fri night or Sat night (depending when WH takes S next- it is not set this week due to MOther's day so I will need to ask him about it).

Will be heading to drop off S and exchange in the parking lot in a couple of hours- will pick up my new rx for anti-d's too!

Trying to keep busy...this time last year I was doing NC. How funny that I am in a similar place kind of...was still thinking we would D last year at this time, I was looking forward to my baby shower, and was NC with WH. I had no idea what to expect May 2010!

[courageous wife]

Sounds like some great galing plans! It is amazing that a year has passed and things are still basically the same! And, really, you still have no idea what to expect!!! Well, have a great time tomorrow night...enjoy!

[Mystik]

Newmama, wanted to come and offer my support in your thread as you've been so supportive in mine.

Have fun with the spa party.

[gatsby11]

"if I am available, he is remorseful and willing to do anything I need--then 3 years from now who knows..."

Yeah, I agree. Yup yup.

But now is his time for reality. Makes sense.

[Piano]

NM, this is the bit that really stood out for me in the same Robx post which I had archived for future ref (I really think he's onto it):

"Instead of trying to rationalize it with your morals and ethics, you will find just as I have found in my own situation that fighting reality moves you backwards, not forwards"

I realise how much i have moralised over what WAH has done, used every logical and ethical argument in the book, and no matter how right i am, it changes nothing. Drives them away, in fact.

Now, if only I could take that advice and LIVE IT!!!!!