MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

Unfortunately my H is still deep in the tunnel. He asked for a meeting this morning...I had bad feeling that this is it...he will tell me about OW again. And he did...the affair is back on and R is off.

This time I wasn’t holding back...I talked about everything, asked him questions....was not at all careful about what I asked. I was very calm and told him what I think.

He basically told me that our R is not going to work and that he “tried” ...Tried how? For one week? That’s when OW restarted the affair again. Said that the feelings are just not there. Yes he cares for me and he loves me but it’s not “that kind of love”. I said if he meant any of the things he said when he wanted to R, he said yes... at that time. Asked if he misses me...said I miss what we used to have. I asked “When you wanted to R you said that the affair was over and that it’s different this time, if she didn’t break it off you would have”. He said yes, but we realized that we made that choice for the wrong reasons....I couldn’t stand causing you pain. I said every time you break it off with OW you come back to me...he said it’s complicated, it’s a process. I said if it wasn’t for this woman would you want to be with me he said “I wasn’t happy before the affair, the OW doesn’t have anything to do with it” I said why didn’t you say anything about this “unhappiness”, I first heard about it when I found out about the affair....6 months into it as a matter of fact.

Well we talked about all sorts of things, it doesn’t all comeback to me now ...but to make a long story short, he is still justifying, rewriting history and glorifying the affair. I even asked “do you want a divorce”. He was quiet for a while and then he said ...I guess eventually.

He wants everything to stay the same, me being in business with him, keep the house and remain his friend, pay the bills etc.

I told him that I was hoping that this time he was really finding his way back to me, and that I have been holding the door open for a long time but I can’t take anymore of this flip-flopping that it hurts me too much and that I will have to make some decisions about the rest of my life. I said that I have to think about what the next step is. He said could we meet tomorrow? I asked “Why” he replied “To talk...you said that you will think about what you want to do” I said “do you think that by tomorrow I will know what I want to do with the rest of my life?” He is worried that I will leave the business.

I told him that I’m really sad, hurt and disappointed with his choice and it would be best for me for now if we only communicate via e-mail. That it’s to hard for me to face him, it hurts too much. He said “are you saying that it would help you not to see me? I said yes. What about me coming to work on the garden? I said it would be best if he didn’t. “Can I at least call you?” ...I said no, just let me be. He asked could I give you a hug? I said better not, just go please. I didn’t even get up to see him to the door.

I was emotional, the tears were rolling down my cheeks through out, I felt this soul wrenching sadness. I wasn’t planning on this dark approach, It just felt right. He was really shocked that I don’t want to have any contact with him. Up until now I was trying to be his friend, validating, DB’ing like crazy and all he did was cake-eating. Now I just need a break from him, I need to do this for me. Also going dark is going to be a total 180 for me. I have a feeling that he won’t like it...no more best of both worlds.

I’m pretty down, but I’m proud of myself how I survived this meeting. And I’m happy that I made it clear to him that I’ve had enough. He wanted me out of his life, he will have me out...as much as I can considering we have a D together and run our business.

I still love him, but he chose to go another round with OW so I'm dropping the rope. The door is still ajar, but just barely.