W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

I believe much of what I post is being taken out of context. I never treated my W as if she was my "servant." I took her acts of service for granted. I admit there were times where I asked her to do things that I was very well capable of doing myself.

Over the past 3 months since our sitch began what my W has said to me to be the major contributor to her decision to leave me is my controlling behavior and my self-esteem killing remarks.

In my W's mind it was "10 years" but in reality it was intermittent for the past few years. Not that it makes any bit of difference. I just get the sense that most of you are giving advice with the assumption that everyday for the past 10 years we lived in hell and that is far from reality.

My example of my W "fetching" things for me was an exaggeration.

My W is currently ill. She ask if I can get her a drink or something to eat, should I say "You are very well capable of doing it yourself" or simply "NO." Why would my W or any woman for that matter want to be with a H who cannot care for them in their time of need?

Don't get me wrong I greatly appreciate the advice I have received on this forum. I take bits and pieces and apply to my sitch.

3 weeks ago my W was NOT sleeping in the same bed as me. Now she is

1 Month ago my W would not carry on a conversation with me, now she does

2 months ago my W would tell me "I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want" now she tells or includes me in everything she does.

I am 3 months and 1 week into my sitch. I am 2 months into DBing. I am 5 weeks into DB after breaking up an EA.

I never thought my W would laugh with me again. I never thought my W would lay in same bed with me again but she is.

I don't know if what I have been doing is working BUT I am putting my best effort forward. Each time I attempted to apply some of the counter-intuitive advice I have received my sitch got worse.

Perhaps there is a lack of respect and I won't argue with that. I was once told (often actually) "Be the H your W always wanted you to be or someone not just your W would want to be with but ANY woman." I once heard my W tell her father than his GF should be lucky to have a guy like him by her side, I strive to become "that guy."

[Glimmerman]

Gucci Loafer's point is good and well taken. I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea to slowly initiate some R questions. She is probably not going to give a straight forward answer to them right now anyway (especially if she is eating up how OIN is serving her).

The caution I would exercise is that men and women do NOT react the same way to this stuff. Men (generally) get over stuff much much quicker. That's why men can argue for two hours, go have a couple of beers, and be patting each other on the back two days later.

Women (generally) can have a vivid memory of something that ticked them off 5 years ago and not be past it yet.

That is why it is USUALLY (not always) better for the W to bring up the R talk, because it probably means they are in a place where they can do it without blowing their stack.

Just my take.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My W is currently ill. She ask if I can get her a drink or something to eat, should I say "You are very well capable of doing it yourself" or simply "NO." Why would my W or any woman for that matter want to be with a H who cannot care for them in their time of need?

Are you referring to her allergies?

My W has terrible allergies. Every two months or so she gets this way. Starts off with sore throat and escalates...build sinus pressure and causes headaches then the meds causes stomach pains...

So as I always had I been doing my best to take care of her, when she allows.

I'm sorry, I don't see that as "her time of need," and I'm also referring to your descriptions of your interactions with her for the past 6 weeks or so.

In any event, I'll leave you alone, because I'm breaking one of my own DB philosophies and that is to only recommend the tougher approach when someone is stating they are UN-happy with their current, softer approach. You (and some of the others advising you) seem to think this is for the best, and even ol' hard-ass Allen himself thought it was -- for now, anyway -- and so I'll leave you be.

I do sincerely wish you well, I hope you know that, OIN.

PUppy

[Glimmerman]

OIN

You are doing well. You are finding the cheeseless tunnels and staying out of them. If you are comfortable with the progress, that's what matters.

I have done some stuff that is not necessarily recommended also, but it seems to be slowly working.

The biggest thing I am learning is patience.

[OfficerInNeed]

PDT,

Yes her allergy medicine had ran out, she failed to get it refilled. When she is off the stuff for more than 48 hours it consumes her. Sore throat leads to strep throat which leads to chest congestion which hinders her breathing due to her asthma. The past 2 days she has been able to barely talk. In the past week days she has took off work more times than she has in the past 4 months. None stop coughing ans spitting up mucus for the past 24 hours has her confined to the bed. So I have done things for her so she does not have to walk up and down the stairs and potentially have an asthma attack. I have been here before. At least 3 times a year for the past 10 this happens.

I cannot say I am happy with the current state of our sitch but I can assure you that we have come a long way and it is far better than it was 2 months ago. I hope it is not her just "co-existing" but her actually making a turn for the better.

[OfficerInNeed]

Quick little update...

I was on facebook and notice many of W family were also signed up. My W has an account but very rarely logs on to it. So I told me W that a lot of her family was on there...my W logs on and send them friend requests. Then my W uploaded a few picture of of her at our wedding with her father and uncles in the pic then she uploaded a pic of us on our honeymoon at disney...

W also just txt me asking if I got my father anything for his bday which is tomorrow and I told her it slipped my mind...

[gucci loafer]

Here is four more of you in similar situations..

That makes at least six of you all doing basically the same thing (and there are many more examples to choose from)....the hang in there patiently method.... I don't see any success in these. I see pain and men who are getting tired and worn out. It isn't working guys..

Different times in hanging in there..

All getting the same results... giving and not getting much back. All looking for any sign of hope... None able to say it has turned the relationship into a mutually loving reciprocal give and take.

So for those of you that are less further along,just look at those ahead of you. That is you down the road. That doesn't even include the ones that have been on here still trying this method after one year and even as much as over two years. (and there are quite a few of them)


Notice the words "enduring this" and "painful" and "I don't know if I can take much more"

That isn't healthy talk guys. That doesn't sound like a man who is happy. Why would you do this to yourselves is beyond me.
Especially when it isn't working in the final analysis. One month up to two years.... A few crumbs thrown your way to give you hope, but just go ahead and ask them what they want and the women will all give you about the same answer...

Then compare it to the men who let the woman go and took a tougher stance and showed strength..... Puppy,Steve McQueen, Robx, Coach (the ones giving the opposite advice to OIN)

Here you go.....

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 56
Loc: OH SMM23

have done the 180's and turned things around in my life. I have been happy again for teh first time in many years. I am finally comming to terms with what has caused all of the pain in my life. My WAW is in the house but away emotionally. She is in a seperate room, no wedding ring and no relations. I have done what I can do to improve myself, and I know better than to try to force her to fix things, but I am very frustrated. Do I really just stand around and wait for her to come back or not???? This cannot be right. We get along with talking and parenting very well and act as if nothnig ever happened. In fact in some ways it is better than it ever was. I know that she resents me for some of the things that have happened in the past. How do we deal with these problems? How does she need to deal with it. I just cannot believe that I need to sit and wait for the day that a light bulb goes on and she is ready to do these things, especially since she NEVER talks about her feelings. She has repressed so much and until that goes away we cannot fix things. So there it is...but what now? The whole thing is really weighing heavily on me and I really need some sort of affection from her. Please help me understand what is going on right now, maybe some encouragement. I love her so much, always have, I just do not know how much more I can take.

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#1980383 - 04/12/10 05:02 PM Re: Loosing drive for marriage!! What now? [Re: SMM23]
Nowawake
Member

Registered: 01/04/10
Posts: 74 SMM23,

Your comments are identical to mine. I have been enduring this for 6 months and I don't know if I can take it much more. My WAW is further angered by my not being the one walking. She is literally going out of her mind. This I feel is pushing us even farther away. Has W accused you of faking it or not believing what she is seeing? Are you speaking at all? You have to hold in there but I know it's hard...Do you have children? For me carting our girls to and fro is a great way for me to keep my mind off of the R...but it is extremely hard not to break up when I look at them.
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Me 53
W 44
D15,D12,D12
Married 25 years
Bomb 8/20/09
Still together

LSG
Member

Registered: 03/15/10
Posts: 257
Loc: Los Angeles, CA Both your sitches seem so similar to mine. It is the most difficult thing in the world to endure. I am hopeful, but I am also more relistic that it may or may not work out, but I have to focus on me and in my case the kids too.

I have chosen to stay and not leave for better or worse. I am figuring is the R is going to end then it will with me staying or leaving. I am an advocate for staying myself, but this is a decision everyone has to make on their own. I also do not want to be away from kids if I divorce. I want to have much of a R with them as possible.

Do not stop following what works here!

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Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 128 I am a similar sitch too. W has deeper issues with me too. I refuse to leave our home and told her it's not me who wants this. I will say that I have been told by Sandi the same comments. The waw didn't just wake up with these thoughts. It took years probably. I for one am not calling it quits. Patience my friend. I understand it's a tough one and only you can decide how patient.
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M 43 W 43
S15 S 12 D 10
ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009)
Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010.
Still living together amicably
No OM confirmed ( yet)

Has W accused you of faking it or not believing what she is seeing? Are you speaking at all? You have to hold in there but I know it's hard...Do you have children? For me carting our girls to and fro is a great way for me to keep my mind off of the R...but it is extremely hard not to break up when I look at them.
At first she told me that she thought that all the changes I made were fake. Then thanks to Sandi, I realized I was comming on too strong. I just toned it down and have been just more confident and working on my problems. We are still talking and in many ways we communicate better than ever. But, she treats me like the friend that she has to be friends with to keep the peace. We have a S4 and as long as he is awake, we act like everything is fine. Not that we start fighting when he goes to bed, but we just kind of coexist and sometimes talk until she goes in her room and I go in mine. It helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing.
I know that my problems caused a lot of this, but it is a two way street and she had a hand in the problems as well. I have a hard time with the WAW issue because she felt she was doing everythnig she could but she was not. We both were trying to fix things and we just never did at the same time or were on the same wavelenghth. So it is not like she was alone in all of this. So now I have to work on all of this by myself and she can sit there and determine if it is going to work or not even though she is not trying and her family is telling her that she needs to get away becasue they do not like my family and me by association. It is just not right. Maybe I just need to vent

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[Glimmerman]

Gucci

Some of the successes you are talking about involve affairs. I would imagine that affairs change the whole situation. Affairs definitely involve a different type of action.

Relationships are not easy....and I definitely don't equate changing R partners to a hobby.

Do some guys get tired of being patient and waiting? Yep.

Divorce Remedy (page 139) under mandatory DO's when divorce busting. #1 & #2 seem to be very important.

[mza8]

Divorce Remedy (page 139) under mandatory DO's when divorce busting. #1 & #2 seem to be very important.

1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.

2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

Had to get out my book to remind myself.

[OfficerInNeed]

Gucci,
I understand the point you are trying to make. I followed your advice, it failed me. My W did not respect me more, she expressed more resentment and confirmed her decision to leave.