Its tough and takes alot out of you. The thing about it, is it was stripping some things in me that I would need to be useful to another relationship. I didn't like that one bit.
He's going to the classes? Your WH is a little different from Ps and mine because yours wants to be involved with the baby so much!
Okay, fact: he's going to keep repeating he doesn't want to be with you during the classes. he may be friendly, he may not. it might depend on you-- if you're friendly, he'll be and vice-versa. it might be cake-eating.
is it worth it to you to have all this happen at the classes? it's really just up to you. just don't think that if he goes, it will make him want to be with you! don't expect that at all.
my suggestion is to get someone else to go with you for the first class and see how it goes. if you have a good time and focus on the baby and not WH, then keep it going that way.
is he planning on being at the birth? i don't remember that part right now. . .
eek, gotta go back to work!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
The fact is that in all of our cases, we have bonded with our Hs in some from. Marriage does that and having a baby makes the bond deeper. Detaching will just squash love but not eliminate it.
I went to 2 6 hour baby classes with WH during our NC. It was ok. We just were friendly to each other and only talked about S. I didn't contact him otherwise. You can follow Gatsby's suggestion. Or you can also try to go to one with him and then change your mind. I am pretty sure he can go to some on his own, right?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
He's a nurse anesthesiologist and gives epidurals, etc. and knows more than i will learn about the birth etc. He has been in enough Labor and delivery rooms and knows about prenatal care having been a nurse for almost 10 years in a hospital. So he doesnt have to go to learn the medical aspect, it would be more for support, i guess for me. I dont want to take mom, i end of resenting her and getting angry at her bc... well just because!
H says he wants to go. But Why?
think i should ask him to give me reasons why he deserves to be there? other than bc he is the baby's father?
But I guess if he were smart, he'd want to go bc im sure its not all textbook material... he may not know the stages of labor, and one of the classes is about breastfeeding, another on pediatricians, etc.
if he wants to go to support you, will that be how you will see it? i mean will his presence support you? if not, then he doesn't need to go! seriously-you can let him be involved after the birth. fact is, you are carrying his child, but he left you, and right now, you and your baby are one--your baby is part of your body. During your pregnancy, your H doesn't HAVE to be a part of anything even if he wants to be an involved dad! When your son is born, then your son will be separate from you and you can involve your H then. Just a thought.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
newmama, I understand how you feel about your H's reputation and how he's regarded at work. My H is very professional, excellent at his job, good with people and very likeable, funny and easy to talk to. (See how mean I am to him? ;)) I have a feeling he has NO idea what he might be doing to himself by cheating with an OW, especially if she's as young and immature as she appears to be from the photo I saw.
H 42 Me 47 DS 7 T 18 M 16 Bomb: 4/20/10 H leaves to live at Mom's: 4/30/20
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1990503#Post1990503
I know those frustrations of h not helping in such a pregnant state, throw working and a 2 year old in there and it would be me exactly.
he tried the friends thing, i wouldn't go for it. He just askes to see one of his children at this point so the last time he asked I said sure, he can take both kids. He came back with yeah when i show up it will be no i can't have them. i got kid ready anyways, texted him when they were ready to go, waited a bit, asked if he planned on showing up the kids were excited that he was coming to get them.(lie-i would never tell the kids he was coming since he bails out or just never shows up when he says he will) whole day passed he didn't visit or call or anything.
sorry to be hi jacking your thread: i've been home with no adult interaction for 2 months.
when i had h's truck for a few days(if you want to know how i got it, intersting story) i located documents for future use. that's what i've been spending my time on, compiling documentation to his illegal work status, h left his ssn card at my house with the stamp rate on it that to work verification via immigration required.
i have an letter with his name where he has jobs copy of ss card copied, keep copies at my work, deleted files on computer in case he gets sneaky, called being someone else making a complaint to get his employers curious.
is this bad?
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Ok. So i sent H a text saying give me 5 reasons why you deserve to be at the birthing classes. Didnt expect a text back to be honest. And then I recieve one and it said.
"1.I'm the father 2. If I'm going to be at the birth and part of his life then I need to lear 3. It will be good for us to learn differnet things together 4. May help us get along 5. Bc I want to be there"
Of course i replied with how he needs to be there as my coach and take care of me, etc. and he agreed and said he wants to be there to help me not just baby.
And then said he wants to go register for baby thing together one night this week.
Now... What do I do? And How to I get the stregnth to go with him, be calm cool and collective AND not want anything more. I know I can do it while I am in his presence, its afterwards when i go home alone that I get weak.
WOW BD....this sounds soooooo similar to what I went through with WH last year during my pregnancy. He had all of those same reasons for wanting to be involved and he wanted to go together to get baby stuff.
OK. You said you can be calm, cool and collected during your time with him. It is when you get home that you feel weak.
So what are you afraid will happen when you are feeling weak?Is it having to feel pain and sadness? Are you worried you will do something like lash out at him? What?
I will tell you that after contact with WH, I always felt sad. Somewhere I read that "no contact means no new hurts." Kind of bad grammar but I get the meaning behind the phrase, don't you?
The reasons I agreed to everything was that 1) I was so afraid WH would abandon S once he was born or at any point before so I wanted him to bond and get attached and 2) I was hoping the bonding would make him want to be with me.
I achieved #1- he became attached to S! If you do want your H to be attached deeply to your son, this will work. BUT he can still get attached after his birth!!! I didn't know that.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
