Talked to H today. I was nice, didnt yell. he got a big rowled up at times. He thinks I have to learn to put myself aside and forget him and deal with him for the baby?! Said I am not in love with you what more do you want. I said i am not filing the papers, he said he doesnt care bc in two years our state will automatically deam a divorce, he just doesnt want to "deal with me" for two more years and keep going back and forth. So he thinks that one peice of paper is all it takes to make me feel differently? Please note I am not begging him to come home or pleading etc, its just he doesnt get why we cant be friends and accept him as the baby's father and plan together. i told him, we planned out our lives, if nothing else, a 5 year plan and in the middle of that plan, you left me pregnant, alone, flat broke, and desperate...
Reason for the Phone Call: I basically said was that he walked out on all of his responsibilities... and it is extremely hard for me to take care of everything at this stage in the game. And my family and friends are angry that he is not stepping up to the plate and acting like a friend at the very least. hated that he spoke to my mom yesterday and turned everything around on me. That I should be able to pick up my own peices. Meanwhile i carried his ass through school, and now he is set for life and I am drowning. His response... sell the house and move back home with your mother. Its not my problem you created a life you are not happy with. and then adds, but i said I'd help. I just dont trust him.
I have to upkeep a house on my own, AC not working properly. Car is breaking down and needs work, doesnt see its his problem, as I am the only one who drives it now. Doesnt see that the care seat and a newborn infant have to ride home in car from hospital??? Getting baby room read for furniture, he said he'd help, but the room is still not cleared out? Nothing has been picked out as far as car seat, stroller, etc. he says he'd go, but only as a friend. he said I could call and leave him a message that I need a lightbulb changed, etc. Really? Now he is my landlord? or a janitor? I think he says all the right things but doesnt do anything to prove his words. And he turns it all around to say you pushed me out and told me you dont need me or want me to be a part of it?!?!?!?
I am just so upset! I am so hurt! Even as a friend... this is how he treats me? If I had gotten knocked up by a random guy at a bar, chances were he would have tried to be a family, or even attempted to help me through my pregnancy.
At this point I have no one to lean on. Family is over it. They say obviously he never loved you the way a man should love his wife, or he really fell out of love with you, and get over it. its so hard bc like i say over and over, I am the only one who feels, understands, hurts, loves, cries. I am not good company, unless i fake being happy and go to the bathroom to cry so that no one will see me. And then they are happy? Really?
Maybe they are right.
One thing i know for sure. H is completely OVER me. Has not one peice of his heart that cares or thinks of me.
Would it have been easier if I werent pregnant? Would I have been able to move on (not stop loving him) but to go to the next step and not think of him?
Is it wrong to have hope? Will giving up completeley and giving up hope help me move on? How long can someone hold out for a change of heart? What if I am the one in a million where he is happier from divorce?
H thinks everything I say is a "story". I did nothing to lose his trust... he is the liar!
Maybe my only resort is to give up hope. To just go on and make decisions regarding the baby alone, even if I hurt H and myself by doing so. I dont want a friend out of H. I dont need friends. I dont think he is a good friend. Friends dont lie and leave.
Maybe I have no choice but to do this alone. He says I dont, that he would be there for all baby things 100%, but I dont have stregnth to carry him anymore. He should grow up and stand up for what he wants.
Will your H pay for stroller and car seat? You can order these things on the internet so you don't have to see him. Also he can work on things at your house while you are not there. That is how WH and I did it (my choice, not his- I told him I didn't want to see him).
As for your family- do NC with them for awhile- not kidding! They will call and check on you and have a change of heart.
Yes, this would be easier if you weren't pregnant.
I have said hope can keep you from detaching. Do you want to detach? You can tuck a little hope inside but try to see things for as they are- just to get through this.
It will never be over between you two completely because you will share a child. (((Babydoll)))
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Theres different kind of friends. I wouldn't want to be just "friends" with my spouse, especially around a time of an emminent divorce. At a later time, perhaps that could be revisited - if they are being a friend.
I do want to detach. Honestly I am afraid of one thing... what happens if I detach and lose every feeling I have for him. Is that a bad thing? Maybe not...
Family and friends think he will come back one day and I will not accept him... i know I am capable of detaching... I can poison my heart and brain to think differently of hm... not sure 100% but maybe i should just do it.
Sometimes not having the feeling doesn't mean its not there. Right now while we hold onto it, it gets diminished through actions. So I'm in the same boat.
Also some have said, some problems you have to let go of and the solution will come to you when you aren't focused on it.
I'm not sure if the detachment is poisening yourself to think differnetly of him, but rather not even thinking of him.
How do you detach and include his as the baby;s father? Do i just kick him out of planning? I am scheduled to start birthing classes next week. One session for 6 weeks... how do I sit there with him and detach? Is it best i not take him? call him after baby is born? Who am I to hurt him? Why do I even care!!!
