Talked to H today. I was nice, didnt yell. he got a big rowled up at times. He thinks I have to learn to put myself aside and forget him and deal with him for the baby?! Said I am not in love with you what more do you want. I said i am not filing the papers, he said he doesnt care bc in two years our state will automatically deam a divorce, he just doesnt want to "deal with me" for two more years and keep going back and forth. So he thinks that one peice of paper is all it takes to make me feel differently? Please note I am not begging him to come home or pleading etc, its just he doesnt get why we cant be friends and accept him as the baby's father and plan together. i told him, we planned out our lives, if nothing else, a 5 year plan and in the middle of that plan, you left me pregnant, alone, flat broke, and desperate...
Reason for the Phone Call: I basically said was that he walked out on all of his responsibilities... and it is extremely hard for me to take care of everything at this stage in the game. And my family and friends are angry that he is not stepping up to the plate and acting like a friend at the very least. hated that he spoke to my mom yesterday and turned everything around on me. That I should be able to pick up my own peices. Meanwhile i carried his ass through school, and now he is set for life and I am drowning. His response... sell the house and move back home with your mother. Its not my problem you created a life you are not happy with. and then adds, but i said I'd help. I just dont trust him.
I have to upkeep a house on my own, AC not working properly. Car is breaking down and needs work, doesnt see its his problem, as I am the only one who drives it now. Doesnt see that the care seat and a newborn infant have to ride home in car from hospital??? Getting baby room read for furniture, he said he'd help, but the room is still not cleared out? Nothing has been picked out as far as car seat, stroller, etc. he says he'd go, but only as a friend. he said I could call and leave him a message that I need a lightbulb changed, etc. Really? Now he is my landlord? or a janitor? I think he says all the right things but doesnt do anything to prove his words. And he turns it all around to say you pushed me out and told me you dont need me or want me to be a part of it?!?!?!?
I am just so upset! I am so hurt! Even as a friend... this is how he treats me? If I had gotten knocked up by a random guy at a bar, chances were he would have tried to be a family, or even attempted to help me through my pregnancy.
At this point I have no one to lean on. Family is over it. They say obviously he never loved you the way a man should love his wife, or he really fell out of love with you, and get over it. its so hard bc like i say over and over, I am the only one who feels, understands, hurts, loves, cries. I am not good company, unless i fake being happy and go to the bathroom to cry so that no one will see me. And then they are happy? Really?
Maybe they are right.
One thing i know for sure. H is completely OVER me. Has not one peice of his heart that cares or thinks of me.
Would it have been easier if I werent pregnant? Would I have been able to move on (not stop loving him) but to go to the next step and not think of him?
Is it wrong to have hope? Will giving up completeley and giving up hope help me move on? How long can someone hold out for a change of heart? What if I am the one in a million where he is happier from divorce?
H thinks everything I say is a "story". I did nothing to lose his trust... he is the liar!
