i have found in the past that detaching for too long seems to push him away. i know last time we were separated I think he felt rejected when if I detached for too long. He just went on with his life until I started inviting him over. He wouldn't make the first move he has too much pride.
We have been over this before. I will discuss the comment above in a moment, but here is what you said a few weeks ago…along with my response.
Quote:
I dont know if detaching works well for him because last time it seemed to cause more distance between us. I think he felt rejected and lonely and ran to her.
Originally Posted By: 1000ships
Your comment is evidence that you would detach as a manipulative technique to get him to come home and that you have no idea what detachment really means. Manipulative detachment is not valid detachment and you would lose likely remove the mask once you get your way. Of course it brought distance between you… healthy distance.
Did you look at the Pursuit & Distance links I sent?
I’m sure someone has given you this Detachment link or you’ve seen it on other threads. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ Go read it, then come back here and tell us what it means to you and how you are going to work toward applying it in your life. Talk to us about it. Ask questions. Tell us what you don’t understand, believe or where you disagree with it. Maybe someone can explain it when we know your confusions and concerns.
Those questions were not rhetorical. Sometimes the concepts are difficult to grasp in the beginning—and regardless of how long this has been going on you are in the beginning mental state. If you talk about what you have read, we can help you to understand. If you never comment on it and continue to seem to misunderstand, many of us will assume you have not read the information and may then take that further and assume you are not paying any attention to the advice given here…that will cause some to stop posting to you. Use this board and the people on it.
For me it would be helpful if you could define detachment in your own words. We can then help you fine-tune and revise that definition—as needed. Could you do that in a response on your thread?
About a week ago you made the following comment.
Quote:
I felt very content with detaching, and focusing on my own life today and most importantly doing it for me.
That was much better! And you will cycle, that is understandable. But last week you felt good with detaching and now you are allowing your fears to pick at you. Last week you felt content. So look at the flip, since you feel detaching doesn’t work with your husband, do you think it is appropriate that you feel discontent? Do you think discontent will make you a better DBer? Do you feel that focusing on your own life is detrimental to DBing…and if so, why? Do you have a history of taking care of others at your own expense—not doing things for you? Is that healthy for you?
Okay, let’s return to your recent comment about detaching. You believe that it pushes your MLCer away. If he is in MLC, he is in escape mode and going away—he doesn’t need a push from you—though he’s getting pushed by you from your beg-n-plead behaviours. MLCers run and a true return takes years. Your MLCer has not had a true return yet. It sounds as though you are confusing detachment with being busy—which may include Getting A Life—or even with ignoring. I live with my husband. We have a good relationship with the normal challenges of marriage. I am detached. He has problems with chronic anxiety, I don’t—I need to keep my head when he is having an attack. We are connected and functional. Think of the definition of panic.
Panic: Sudden unreasoning fear where a person is unable to help themselves.
Attached, you are in panic mode and unable to help yourself. If you are unable to help yourself, you are also unable to help anyone else. I hope you aren’t on an airplane with dangling oxygen masks.
MLC gets worse before it gets better. Then it gets even worse and then even worse than worse. Your MLCer is reacting normally for MLC, he is getting worse, but at expected behaviour, you panic and come to the conclusion that what you are doing is not working and change your behaviour. To a degree that fits with MWD’s Do What Works aspect of Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. But sometimes it takes a long time before something works, or before you see the signs that something works and more importantly, it is meant to work on you. Working on your MLCer is a secondary trickle down effect that takes years. Change yourself and others may eventually respond and choose to change also—or they may not, the choice is theirs. If you are DBing with the solitairy goal of getting it to work on your MLCer and fix him; you will fail.
You are talking about him making the first move…now? In the midst of crisis? It doesn’t matter who makes an initial move toward each other right now; it will fail. The only move either of you should be making is towards the mirror where you can face your own Selves. Someday maybe it will be appropriate to make the initial move, or he may surprise you. But it is not yet someday.
It is important that right now he goes on with his own life and that you do the same. I know that is scary, but that may be one of your lessons of this journey.
My comments about failing are not meant as scare tactics. I’m not trying to shout or be in your face with emphasis. I simply mean them. For most people it eventually kicks in—and that can take many months or even a few years. But I’m more worried about those for whom it takes a few years because some do get permanently lost and destroyed. I am worried about you, wondering when it will kick in and wondering if there is anything we can do that will make a difference. I hope so.
