Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[newmama]

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant (H wanted to start a family) and H would like to be friends...

How do I know the difference between cake eating and friendship as the start of reconciliation.

excellent question- some folks think you can't reconcile without being friends.
I do think this, though, if being friends isn't too painful for you and you are able to NOT bring up the relationship, then go for it. It means you have to let him be the one to bring up the relationship. It is strange but possible (I have done it) to discuss the immediate future of the baby without discussing your relationship.

[newmama]

DLS, telling her H how much pain he will cause won't cause him to come around- didn't you say he won't realize the pain until later-that it will hit him after?

And you also suggest she be the warm wife and friend-that is cake eating in a way.

I hope I am not coming across in a rude way- I can tell that you care and want BD to reunite with her H- but if you read others' sitches where they told their H all that stuff, it didn't make an impression.

[Babydoll]

I have told H when at times, how the divorce will affect him. He seems to be okay with it. I asked hm once what happens if he regrets his decision or is unhappy when its all too late, and he answers that he wll have to live with his mistake. this is very much my H.

I am sorry but being told I dont love you anymore and nothing to back it up makes it entirely impossible for my heart to understand this and say, ok then, a divorce seems like the next step.

H thinks I should put my own feelings aside and be ablet to allow him in my lif and be there for the pregnancy and birth etc. meanwhile, did he put his feelings aside to go to counseling for this baby? to see what if?

[DaddyLongShanks]

I did it, and I know. Also other men who did the same thing I know of did have to go through so much crap as a result. What you go through is much more than you could ever imagine. Also if he has a reputation where integrity or trust is important, it will be challenged and possibly completely stripped.

You think that your career is immune to what you do in your personal life, don't find out the hard way that whatever dirt they can get on you - they use. Some of these things are sensitive that even having the spectre of doubt raised, will cause you enough trouble.

I was looked at like everything I said was a complete lie for many many years, by people I never would expect - even in my CAREER. Looked at like I was crazy, looked at like I was stupid. The cost was much much more than I could ever imagine. I have to rebuilt my reputation from scratch.

I imagine its the same for most men, they might not say anything. Its a ton of pain.

My pain was worse, because as a result of some of the repurcussions I faced - my appeal dropped to my current wife.

The pain I went through was so bad that I said "I would rather get shot, once a year non-fatally than to go through this pain".

Maybe one of his friends needs to smack him upside the head and let yell at him.

I'd like to talk to him and tell him what happened to me.

[Babydoll]

DLS, I agree that there are parts of DB that just do not suit us. Hardest part is that we both feel like we have a deadline, when the baby is born. i think he should wake up and come around to opening his heart, and H thinks I need to work on stop loving him to accept him in my life to have the baby together.

H is stuck on stupid. Unfortunately i think that nothing anyone says and no one could make him get out of it. Maybe this is one of this things people need to go through even if it hurts him more. in the meanwhile he will have damaged every relationship in his life especially between him and me. Sometimes I can see H and I in 10 years, and H having lived with the regret of his mistake, and telling me he was scared and thought about coming bck, but it was easier to keep walking away. He will live with his decision even if it doesnt make him happy.

[Babydoll]

DLS,

Im sorry you didnt figure it out until it was too late. unfortunatly I think my H may be in the same boat and will go through the same journey. i dont think he will ever change his mind. He is really set on being apart. Sees no reconciliation, no point in us. He still says, I dont love you anymore, have no feelings for you.

i think when you are at a low point in your life, there is nothing anyone else could say or do to make you rethink things or change your course of actions. Look at me... every one tells me to get over it, move on, forget H, he is not coming back, stop dwelling on your M to him, he is not here, do this alone... and yet I am on this forum hoping to get stregnth to figure it al out.

[DaddyLongShanks]

It may look easier to keep on walking, but he's going to pay less for just taking his shame for the short while, and it seems like you will support him and not hammer him over the head wit hit - then continuing on and taking hell for who ever knows how many years. For me, everything I did before has basically been destroyed.

Plus, this guy may lose the female after the divorce, because she's going to demand more of him. His appeal will drop because the competition will go away after the divorce.

Also he has to wonder if the female just enjoyed messing with a married guy, and once not married that fun is gone.

Or even for some people it is their job to break up relationships, and once the job is done, their done.

Or it may have been their personal challenge, to get this happily married man out of the house.

Too many risks, and what sounds like a wholesome and loving wife. I wish mine talked like this about me behind my back.

[newmama]

DLS I hope you don't mind me saying this but I can see my WH going through exactly what you described in regard to career and I really hope OW does as you guess when D is final!

It isn't that I want my WH to suffer; it's that I want him to really decide for himself, not bc OW is pressuring him, if he wants to lose his reputation (he is highly regarded at work not just for his job but the person he was- I have intel that tells me he has not told anyone what is going on). Also I hope that this last resort change from him coming over to his house to see his son and talk to me will make an impact. Do you think so?

Baby doll, your H surprised you by doing this, right? Therefore, you don't know what else he is capable of doing-meaning he very well could come back! Do you see what I mean?

[DaddyLongShanks]

DLS I hope you don't mind me saying this but I can see my WH going through exactly what you described in regard to career and I really hope OW does as you guess when D is final!

It isn't that I want my WH to suffer; it's that I want him to really decide for himself, not bc OW is pressuring him, if he wants to lose his reputation (he is highly regarded at work not just for his job but the person he was- I have intel that tells me he has not told anyone what is going on). Also I hope that this last resort change from him coming over to his house to see his son and talk to me will make an impact. Do you think so?

Baby doll, your H surprised you by doing this, right? Therefore, you don't know what else he is capable of doing-meaning he very well could come back! Do you see what I mean?

He SHOULD come back if he understands whats on the line. Its his entire life that he built is in jeopardy. He needs to let that OW go on to someone else.

He doesn't have a family with OW, he has it with you. Its not looked upon well, even among "bad" people to tear up your family.

[Jstar]

nm,

i had some of the same emotions. didnt want shower, felt like handing both kids over so he could really experience real parenting,

i had small shower from work i cried, made baby more real. glad i did have one, shows how much people care for me and my kids.

during pregnancy i was in denial of being pregnant, due to sitch and previous miscarriages. it took me till i was 8 months pregnant to even buy something for my son.