I saw W and kids Saturday morning at my daughter's soccer game. Beautiful morning. My wall was still very up, and I didn't interact with my W hardly at all. She was cautious but warm and friendly with me. I kept my distance. An old friend of mine was there with her kids, so I hung out with her most of the time and caught up. Again my son and other daughter stuck to me, and left my W sitting watching the soccer game by herself. I felt a little bad for her.
As the game was winding down I made my way back to where W was sitting. She didn't act self pitying about the kids leaving her to be with me during the game. She has really lost the "oh woe is me" attitude that was so pervasive last year, and I have to say, it's a good thing. She's positive and friendly. She compliments me and reaches out in little ways. I have to admit, it's working.
I helped her pack up her stuff and we walked to her car. I helped get the kids loaded up and said goodbye. W needed to discuss a couple things, and there was a moment of lingering. I gave her another hug, and again she squeezed me tight. She chuckled a little and said "Well, things are officially weird between us again." Then she pulled back and said with a bit of a submissive tone "It's up to you if you want to talk. I'm available. I've persued you enough over the last few months, it's up to you now." D6 saw what was going on, jumped right up, and reached over the front seat. She grabbed W's hand and my hand and pressed them together. W said "Alright D6, I know what your motives are." I pulled my hand back, said goodbye, walked away and got in my car.
When I got home W had left me a message on my answering machine. She said "I just want to clarify what I said. I know I haven't been asking you to talk for the last few months, but over January, February, March and April, you seemed like you really pulled away. We should talk about the custody thing..., uh, and there are definitely other things we should talk about. I just wanted you to know that I'm available to talk."
I'm trying not to react to all this and stay centered in the good place I've been. I've been fairly successful, but I admit, I am thinking about W again.
I ran a tough race yesterday morning in the heat and humidity, then went to pick up the kids from W's house. She had them ready, and was in a good mood. She asked me about the race, and was complimenting me on my committment to run in the miserable conditions. She seems so happy that I'm not so distant any more. Again D6 grabbed our hands and put them together and then told us we should kiss. Poor thing. She is trying so hard to put Mommy and Daddy back together. W said "I know you like it that we're not angry with each other, and we are trying to be nice to each other, but that's all we can do right now."
After getting the kids loaded, we had a brief conversation:
W: "We shouldn't hug in front of them, D6 is really getting worked up about it." Me: "I noticed. So you want to have dinner sometime?" W: "Sure." Me: "We need to arrange for child care some evening." W: "I'm available any night except Monday and Tuesday when I work." Me: "Ok."
That was it. She was smiling at me and putting out such a warm vibe. Where is this all going?
One thing I've been thinking about is what possible path we could have toward a successful reconciliation. What do I need? What does she need? Are we capable of meeting each other's needs. Could I ever truly get past her A? Will it pop into my head at random times, or worse, not-so-random times?
I have been realizing that I really don't want her to beg and grovel. Not that there isn't a part of me that would love to see it, but I know it wouldn't be a help. Rather, it would just add more toxic bad energy to the situation. I think I learned that from AFWAW's situation, who's W begged and pleaded endlessly, and it seemed to only make things worse. I need to be willing to allow her her dignity, and at some point I'll need to trust that she'll express to me true remorse for the pain she caused me. I also know she'll need to convince me she has worked through her demons and understands why she did what she did. Don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I do need to try to visualize a path if there's any hope at all.
