She is very rude to him, dismissive in attitude and I'm sure tone of voice.
He has to have a response, and I've had to deal with the type. Its harder than it looks. You don't want to stoop to that level with them, but if you don't you take alot of shots. It will drag you down unless you really don't care at all what they think. If they get a crowd, they can cause you alot of trouble.
It may be in the end, "I don't want to go there with you", and she's saying "I don't want to meet you in the middle". Time will tell.
Lotus, You are right, I failed to do as you suggested. I find myself making these smart remarks often. I will speak with her on this matter as you recommended. The thing was and is, for the past 3 weeks there has been a shift, I feel like it a positive one and I don't want to ruin it by triggering something in her. I fell like a jerk fir handling it the way I did up till this point.
PDT, For 10 years my W has jumped at my command. In the past year before our sitch it got really bad, where the acts of service were no longer reciprocated. She did for herself and still did for me. Don't get me wrong, I did NOT command her to do anything, she did nearly everything on her own but always in my favor. I remember the days where I would ask her to grab me something or go get this or that at least 10 times in a hours time, she never complained once. Here now she ask me to do something for her in a very PLEASANT tone, because she is not feeling well, I have absolutely no problem doing it.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Things went OK. W did not wear her ring. W seemed uninterested in me at times. She responded with facial expressions and sounds rather than words. There were times where we clicked, having good conversation, catching eyes and laughing.
There were also times when my W did something and I would ask "why do you do that?" whether it be a weird facial expression when I make a comment or a very withdrawn response.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Really think about what you shared and try and view your own situation with a fresh set of eyes.
Obviously you know you treated your W like hired help. Asking anybody to fetch you things 10 times in an hour is unacceptable unless every bone in your body is broken. Essentially what you are saying is every SIX minutes you were requesting your W to get you something or do something for you. No wonder she began to silently resent you.
When one spouse begins to silently resent the other the love they feel for their spouse begins to die. When the love dies so does the respect. I can see why your W felt her love and respect for you died. On the flip side of that, it was your W's responsibility to clearly articulate to you how she was feeling and at least give you the opportunity to understand. Instead she chose to walk away. You both are at fault.
When one spouse feels all their love and respect has died it is not easy. Making her lunch, getting her ice cream and trying to get in the bed with her isn't going to help that love return. At this time she knows you want to rebuild the marriage. She does not want to rebuild the marriage (at this time) so it is very easy for her to make requests of you knowing full well you will do them. The person who cares least about the R controls it.
Pick up a book or two about body language. You will learn an awful lot about what she is feeling by understanding her body language. Responding to you with facial expressions and noises is not the way to communicate. She chose not to wear her ring. She shrinks when you enter the bed. The answer to your question "why do you do that?" is simple... she does not feel love or respect for you right now.
I understand the stress level in your home must be high. Making smart remarks to her is not the way to go. Acting like her servant is not the way to go. Setting firm boundaries is what needs to happen. By making smart remarks you are simply keeping the cycle of disrespect and loathing very much alive.
You have gotten so very good advice on your thread and you also have received some advice I am not so sure I would follow. What is interesting is you seem to gravitate towards the advice that is "not so good" and stall on doing things that would be very helpful to you.
I think it is out of a deep sense of guilt about how horribly OIN has treated his wife in the past. He's come right out and said it: I tolerate her rude behavior because I subjected her to MINE for far too long.
That's just not healthy, it's NOT going to build respect, and without respect, it won't build loving feelings towards him. But as long as OIN is hung up in this self-flagellation of his own past emotional abuse, and these two BOTH start expecting a healthier, more balanced relationship, based on MUTUAL RESPECT, I just don't see anything different happening other than the current limbo.
I guess my point was working through guilt issues is an individual process and one that cannot be addressed simply by doing things for somebody else.
In Jan. of 2009 my H saw an IC three times. I did speak with the C at my H's request. Her "theory" was if you just say you are sorry the guilt will go away. If the person you wronged doesn't accept your apology then it falls back on them and the guilty party is in the clear. I was stunned at this advice and would not have believed it unless I heard it with my own two ears. IMO working through guilt requires more than doing nice things or saying you are sorry. Of course those are two steps but I think the process is more involved.
All I was saying is making smart remarks and moving from one unhealthy dynamic to another really isn't progress IMO. It's a shift but I am not sure one that will really yield any results.
AND what OIN is failing to see and realize is that when HE treated his wife badly for 10 years, that her continuing to wait on him hand and foot didn't wake him up and cause him to start treating her better. It didn't make him stop verbally abusing her...
So, her unconditional loving and giving didn't work for her either. Imagine if she would have been on here asking for advice and continued to receive the same advice that OIN is getting... THAT didn't work for her to get OIN to wake up and change any better than it is going to work for him. She is only trying to keep peace. Nothing more.
It was ONLY when she STOPPED acting like his servant and started pulling her love away that woke him up..
NOW look at him. She gets treated better when she treats him bad than she got when she waited on his every whim. And yet he is convinced that what didn't work to make him wake up is going to work to make her wake up.. Why would she want to go back to giving love and take the chance of getting treated badly again? She is getting more than she could ever ask by doing what she is doing NOW..
So the very thing that didn't make you treat her any better is now the very thing that you think is going to make her treat you better. Which is giving and giving despite bad treatment..
AND what OIN is failing to see and realize is that when HE treated his wife badly for 10 years, that her continuing to wait on him hand and foot didn't wake him up and cause him to start treating her better. It didn't make him stop verbally abusing her...
So, her unconditional loving and giving didn't work for her either. Imagine if she would have been on here asking for advice and continued to receive the same advice that OIN is getting... THAT didn't work for her to get OIN to wake up and change any better than it is going to work for him. She is only trying to keep peace. Nothing more.
It was ONLY when she STOPPED acting like his servant and started pulling her love away that woke him up..
NOW look at him. She gets treated better when she treats him bad than she got when she waited on his every whim. And yet he is convinced that what didn't work to make him wake up is going to work to make her wake up.. Why would she want to go back to giving love and take the chance of getting treated badly again? She is getting more than she could ever ask by doing what she is doing NOW..
So the very thing that didn't make you treat her any better is now the very thing that you think is going to make her treat you better. Which is giving and giving despite bad treatment..
They just don't get it Puppy.
So you guys don't think a foot rub is in order?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
