Happy Bomb-aversary to Me!

[kjensen]

Hi TF-
THinking of you! Stay mindful and in the present and you'll get past the hard times.
((((HUGS))))

[trustingfaith]

Okay, so I probably screwed up pretty big. Last night after everyone was in bed I was just sad . . . so lonely and tired of sleeping without my H there. I went into the bathroom to have a good cry and I guess due to the vents in the house he heard me and came up to see if I was okay.

I decided to take a gamble and go with the truth since he did come up. I told him I wasn't okay and that I was lonely. He referenced a friend who I had just talked to on the phone earlier and I said that is not who I missed. He knew that anyway I am sure. The conversation wasn't really horrible except that he didn't say much of anything. His jaw was twitching. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he wasn't going to say anything so late at night (wow, that does't sound good).

At one point he said he was sorry for being the cause of all my troubles. At that point I didn't say anything.

Anyway, he did give me a hug before he went back down but I feel so awful and terrible today. I slept two hours last night if that. I am all worked up to the point of not being able to keep food down.

I am so tired of this. I just want to be done.

[Truegritter]

TF

Hang in there. It has got to be tough when you interact with H. Harder to detach. I always know when I am not detaching enough. I feel like crap...

Don't mind read you don't know where his head is or what he's thinking, even if you could read his mind you wouldn't want to be there.

Stay strong and read your signature...I always get a shot of encouragement when I read your signature "Endurance is a testament of love."

Good words...

[Cadet]

I don't see that you did anything wrong.

(((TF))) (((Hugs)))

[D Money]

I agree with OP. I don't see where you did anything wrong EXCEPT you are wasting time dwelling on what if's. We are here for you TF.

[trustingfaith]

Thanks guys. True, I guess I better get my own signature line tatooed on my hand so I can remember it. I still feel like crap today. I think part of is that I really thought he had reconnected more with me in that he could step towards me more. But I am obviously wrong.

Another thing is that the whole OW question is something I have always gone by my gut. I am quite sure there was one, then it seemed like not anymore, and then now my imagination is running wild and my gut doesn't know what to think. No real reason to think that but who knows. I am tired of it being a question but realize I couldn't do anything about it anyway.

I spent my waking hours (of which there were many) praying and praying.

In the light of day, I look back and realized that toward the end of the conversation he did even joke around a bit. I am trying to look at all the positives that have been happening lately but am stuck on this for now.

I just want my H back, not this one.

[cat04]

I just want to be done.

No you don’t, or you wouldn’t be so upset.

I think part of is that I really thought he had reconnected more with me in that he could step towards me more. But I am obviously wrong.

You opened the door...

and got your heart squished...

Why?

Because you were looking at what you saw as positives, you developed an expectation, that he failed to meet.

Sweetie, you just went through what so many of us have been through.

If and when he is ready, he will tell you.

now my imagination is running wild

So stop it. You know better than this.

You ARE better than this.



Check your voice mail.
(((hugs)))

[Cadet]

I just want to be done.

No you don’t, or you wouldn’t be so upset.

Now the way I read that was she wants her H to be done with his crisis. Still their are expectations in that statement.

Cat is spot on with lowering your expectations but I understand how hard that is to do.

[trustingfaith]

Cat, that wasn't too bad.:) Thanks for talking me down from a ledge.

OP and Cat, both right about the expectations. Time to pick my squished heart back up off the floor, work on zero expectations, and get back on board this nauseating roller coaster ride. And fasten my seatbelt tight.

I guess "done" kind of meant wanting off the ride. I do want his MLC to be over but you are right Cat, not ready to walk away yet.

[Augtan]

One year anniversay of divorce being final..tomorrow! I say it was the worst day of my life but seems to have been the best of XH's! OW is gone, but now he is living it up like he is 21 again! I know in reality he is miserable...43 yrs. old, no wife, no kids (we live 700 miles away from him), no house, a man roommate, etc. But, that doesn't make raising three kids alone any better!

I still struggle with so many things. The latest is that when the OW dumped him I thought he would want to come home, didn't happen! We went on a family trip together the end of March, thought that would make him see how much he misses having a family..it didn't. We slept together many times on the trip..thought that would make him miss me and "us" again, it didn't! I have cut off all contact with him for a whole 7 days now, which is a record for me since the OW has been gone, haven't even had contact regarding the kids! He seems to careless!

I am trying to move forward and am not going to allow myself to be too upset tomorrow..I am going to go get a massage!!

A