Mila, I don't follow your thread but I just want to add my support and write that I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this again. I can't imagine.
Originally Posted By: Mila
And it is the OW that keeps doing this to all of us...she breaks if off and...then she pulls him back in.
This caught my eye. I have no doubt that OW is loopy. But I hope you're putting the responsibility where it lies: 100% at your H's feet. He is not a fish on a hook who gets reeled in and out by OW. He is a grown man and he must be held responsible for his actions. You deserve better than being his option B.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flowmom - thanks for stopping by. They are equally addicted to each other. She breaks it off and can't stay away from him and he is too weak to resist her when she contacts him again. And I do deserve better. That's why I didn't want him to move back right away when he wanted to R...I wanted to be sure that I'm not his option B again.
I survived the B-Day dinner at his dad's. Actually I managed to be upbeat, very pleasant to H and had a good time with the family. H was very nice to me, lots of sweet smiles directed my way and in the car we were laughing and reminiscing about our past adventures. He leaned over to smell my perfume and said "that's so nice I remember this". He told me that I look great and that he really likes my bracelet and my earrings.
At the dinner table H was kind of nostalgic and emotional, but that could be because of his Dad's illness and all the talk about it.
All night H looked that he was enjoying my company. I in turn was really sweet to him, called him sweetie few times (nobody in the family knows what's going on with us) even touched his arm once or twice. When we were saying good night I leaned over and gave him a goodnight kiss...after all I'm still under the assumption that he wants to reconcile...he never said otherwise.
He didn't tell me anything about his contact with OW or gave any indication that anything changed....the opposite, he was super nice to me.....
I know that he is communicating with her and that she is planning to leave her H. She wouldn't be doing that if my H wasn't on board with it.
To sum it up - I have a gut feeling that he is going through some internal struggle...maybe questioning if he really wants to do this again. His addiction to OW will likely win
I'm still processing the new developments and observing what happens next before I make my next move.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I know how hard it must of been for you to act 'normally' around your H yesterday. You are so strong when things get tough.
It also gave you a chance to let your H see the new, improved you and he sounds as if he realyy enjoyed it.
Lets hope it makes him sit and reflect on the best way forward. His OW ping pongs that often he will never be able to trust her or have a relationship that is solid because he will never know if she will run again.
He didn't tell me anything about his contact with OW or gave any indication that anything changed....the opposite, he was super nice to me.....
Weird similarity to how my husband acted as he was trying to get rid of OW and dealing in that direction......I, myself, got instruction NOT to confront, but wait it out, and I disobeyed...leading to a totally angry and vindictive husband for a time. Possibly, in your case, it might lead to an even greater distance between him and you, IF you confront.
The difference here is yours not being at home, whereas mine WAS.
Don't be so quick to assume OW will win, Mila, just go on, do the best you can and watch the situation to see what happens.
She is HIS problem, not yours, and therefore responsible for either getting rid of her, or not.
You'll know either way and soon.
As hard as it is, remember that people have to be let go to do what they think is best, even if you KNOW it's wrong.
You deal with the fallout later, however it goes.
I know how it is, having been there, done that. It's not easy, but you CAN DO THIS.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
They are equally addicted to each other. She breaks it off and can't stay away from him and he is too weak to resist her when she contacts him again. And I do deserve better.
Oh Mila....I feel for you so much. This quote sounds like something I said about my H. My H and the OW broke up SOO many times! Sometimes he would break it off and sometimes she would do the breaking up. It was like they couldnt stay away from each other...just like a drug. I believe that your H is fighting with himself in his head. He doesnt know what to do. He just wants to be happy. My H told me this. Once when the OW wanted him back, I listened to my H go on and on about the fact he didnt know what to do. I could see him struggle, and I would always know that the OW would win until she was out of the pic. Everytime she did. I have a feeling if your H goes back with the OW, he will still not be happy, because really it has little to do with you or the OW. He has to fix himself first. I wish I could tell you to be patient and wait it out if you want your Marriage to work, but that is up to you. Looking back at my sitch, Im glad I did wait. The OW is not even friends with my H anymore. Im hoping though that your H is stronger than mine, and hopefully he will tell the OW that he isnt interested in her anymore. Just keep being you. Im so sorry this is happening to you, but I know how hard it is. I think I went through it a couple of dozen times....probably shouldnt have, but I had to just to get where I am now.
(((HUGS)))
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
SA, CW, Libby, HB & kissak Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.
I feel good about how I acted towards H yesterday. I SENSE that he is struggling with what to do...and my intuition told me to "step it up". To show him my love little bit more obviously. Before I was taking clues from him...like waiting for him to kiss me goodnight etc.
Yesterday I put my love for him right under his nose...he can't be mistaken about how I feel about him and that I'm believing his word that he wants to R.
I was really hoping that this time he was ready to "find his way home". Now I personally think that he will choose the OW again...the addiction is still to strong, but at least he should leave with as many doubts as possible.
Kissak - What you are describing is very similar to what I'm going through with my H.
Quote:
I would always know that the OW would win until she was out of the pic. Everytime she did.
I have a feeling that he will go another round with OW. He is looking for a "quick fix" or instant happiness if you will and he thinks that the OW is IT.
BTW just found out that he told D three weeks ago that it's over with OW (I remember asking him not to tell her until he is sure). She said that when he was driving her the other day he kept texting - while driving (great example for D), she asked him who he is texting with and he said just a friend, she said who? and said you don't know them. She said that he acted weird and that she was sure it was OW. D is just rolling her eyes at what he does.
We are having a meeting later, I'm curious to see if he tells me anything.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
My H told me once that he thought he OWED it to the OW to make things work with her since he was one reason her own marriage couldnt be fixed. That had some to do of why he kept going back even after she would dump him, then change her mind.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Kissak, I can really relate to that. I think that's exactly what's going on here as well. He feels that he made her leave her H...I know that H was the one really pushing for her to leave him in the beginning of their affair, and she was changing her mind so many times before she actually did. Then she went back home and contacted H again...he must feel responsible.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
