When I was talking to one of my two best friends this evening, she kept insisting that I give him a deadline of when he should get it all out.
Have you watched, "Breaking Up". I was at a hotel this weekend and it was a free rental...sad movie. Not sad because breakups are hard. Sad because all throughout the movie, it was clear that by listening to others instead of each other, they just made things appear worse (when in fact they were improving).
Below is some rambling, I hope it makes some sense...but I'm kind of tired~
I haven't seen that movie, but I'm familiar with the story line. One of my best friends saw it and wept copiously. My other best friend never saw it because she doesn't watch white movies. She knows that telling me this doesn't offend me, of course. It's actually pretty funny, and she knows me well enough to know that I think it's funny. [Speaking of rambling . . .]
If I hadn't read the DB book in the first month of my separation, I probably would be guilty of listening to anyone and everyone who had advice on my situation. If I didn't know better, I would be helping him pack or packing things for him so that he could see how "helpful" I am and how much I care. But I DO know better. I know better than to make this easier for him by helping. I know not to pressure or make demands, especially demands that include time lines.
I love my friends, and I know that they want me to be happy. I also know that they want me to be happy in the quickest and easiest way possible. I'm not interested in the quickest and easiest way possible. If I was, I wouldn't have gotten the DB book, joined this site, purchased countless self-help books, or gotten hooked up with awesome, all-knowing IC.
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On these boards, I don't know how many times I clenched my teeth to read someone telling another that their W or H was almost certainly having an affair and to go catch them. Even if they were, that only gives a scapegoat to attack instead of dealing with the problems that led the couple to the breakdown in their R. Having eyes open is one thing, going to act is another.
I agree!
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Act as if he was your H. Do you really want him gone? Setting a deadline, filing, changing locks, and other ultimatums are for deal-breaker issues you have. Is it an issue that his stuff is there for YOU?
I don't want him gone. I don't have an issue with his things being here. I have just been baffled because it seemed like he wanted out and to get his things so badly, yet he's done very little about this. I don't know if it's because I finally opened the cage door or if it's because he struggles with follow through (or maybe a combination of both).
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My W has this problem. She thinks that by encouraging herself or other women to stand up against a man she is preventing oppression. Even when she is oppressive to the men that way. To be fair to both, both people need to be considered equally valuable - even when someone is wrong. Good intentions aren't always enough when words that cut are given in spite, revenge, or defense. You know how that feels - your H is doing that. Don't be caught by that evil.
You're right--I do know how that feels, particularly the defensive part. I value him and his feelings, no matter how much they confuse or frustrate me. Maybe in the near future he and I can communicate without blame or a defensive attitude, and the way I value him will become clearer to him.
