I'm a man. I know you two are in a fight, and I know you where betrayed. I understand all the power moves, being served papers, etc.
Show him you are available. I read this thing on the "Vision board". Talk to him about your shared vision. Especially if when you two shared a vision, and did it successfully. I know you where probably doing fine before he got selfish and did his affair.
Also the affair changes after the spouse is out of the picture, the balance changes and the affair partner usually wants more. After getting more, they want more and more. The spouse might not understand what they are in for. That relationship changes and is more demanding on them after they divorce.
I'm sure you two had a good balance before he got selfish. If you let him talk to me, I could talk to him about the error. I've been through it and lost everything. The relationship went bad.
I guess have a life and activities, but when you are in proximity to him allow him to draw closer thru your attitude. My wife knows how to do it, but for these last years she's mostly sheilded up around me and its uncomfortable to be close. Occasionally she forgets and its like a magnet. With the shield its like a painful spike in me. She is the one who cheated me too and I get crapped on for that.
Also if you speak to him, sometimes use that voice that lets him come in.
You are "home" not the other woman. Also what about the kids?
The act he is doing is based off of selfishness, and it cannot last. When you break a house up there is going to be pain in it for him, that he doesn't realize. It won't hit him till later. It hurts like hell, and it NEVER goes away.
The only way it won't hit him is if he is one of those men who cares about no one but himself. I don't think thats what it is. I think he's stuck in the situation and feels its easier to go on.
Maybe you can get a peer who done this mistake to talk with him. Its real, breaking a house up with kids produces a lot of pain. Its not good for the kids either. They take on the pain too.
He thinks its going to be easier to go the way he is going. Its going to be much harder. Even if people cover for him, that lie is usually not good for people.
If the guy thinks he is doing better out there. You might remind him that "he can get that at home".
Don't worry about it, but think about it. Pray about it. Make yourself that mother and wife that know she deserves a completely loyal man. He will come to you. It should be your husband, but it may be someone else.
DaddyLS, I wish you were right! Sorry BD to t/j but I am pretty sure that is how I have been acting toward my WH! And yet it hasn't caused him to choose me over the OW!
Quote:
The act he is doing is based off of selfishness, and it cannot last. When you break a house up there is going to be pain in it for him, that he doesn't realize. It won't hit him till later. It hurts like hell, and it NEVER goes away.
I guess in my sitch, the above hasn't happened to my WH yet and it will take divorce for him to get it.
I guess for Babydoll, since the divorce hasn't started rolling yet, she can still take the steps you suggest. I kind of see it as the last resort versus the no contact last resort that is described in DB. But how will her H recognize the pain he has caused before his daughter is born?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
DaddyLS, I wish you were right! Sorry BD to t/j but I am pretty sure that is how I have been acting toward my WH! And yet it hasn't caused him to choose me over the OW!
Quote:
The act he is doing is based off of selfishness, and it cannot last. When you break a house up there is going to be pain in it for him, that he doesn't realize. It won't hit him till later. It hurts like hell, and it NEVER goes away.
I guess in my sitch, the above hasn't happened to my WH yet and it will take divorce for him to get it.
I guess for Babydoll, since the divorce hasn't started rolling yet, she can still take the steps you suggest. I kind of see it as the last resort versus the no contact last resort that is described in DB. But how will her H recognize the pain he has caused before his daughter is born?
Here goes the deal. He caused pain in others. But the pain he caused to himself won't even hit him until after he's divorced.
Unless his wife was abusive or neglectful of him over a long period of time, he's telling a lie. That lie is going to hurt him.
He'd have to be really one of those types who cares about no one but themself to get past this pain he's going to face.
I felt that a peer who made the error could communicate it to him. He's got no ties to the new situation except the other woman. With his "home" he has his wife, kids and a kid not yet born.
He's going to hurt big leaving "home". You as a wife ARE HOME, you are everything he needs.
Also on you women. These guys have to understand that they can get anything they need from "home". And its completely safe. They made a common mistake, and they need to bring their asses back home, stop adding to the statistics. Currently he's being stupid.
After making the error myself, I miss a fully fulfilled marriage.
I am still stuck. I am much more comfortable going out with my two kidos under age of 3 now though, so I know I have grown.
I had my older daughter 18 look up how to potty train boys since all i have are girls.
I can't say i'm scared to do this alone, I have for the past 7 months.
I'm going back to work in about 10 days, close out the school year, do a few committees during june, go to d18 graduation and then i'm going to lay it to rest.
i'm at the point now where i do have to put a deadline on how long for my sitch to continue,.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Thanks New Mama, I guess I feel the same about sendng back the papers sometimes that He should feel it every step of the way. Maybe its just me being naive, but I do think H has NO concept of how his actions will play out. Maybe he does and just doesnt care.
When we talk about the baby, I dont bring us up. Unless he goes on to say I am going to spend some nights there, want to come home whenever I want, and when i am angry and he acts like he has 50% say in the baby's name and life as if he never moved out.
We are no longer speaking. He is ignoring me and said to my mother that he is doing it to not hurt me? What a cheap shot!
Cant get myself into Baby mode these days and it scares me. I dont even want a shower with my own family and friends. 4 months later I am more heartbroken than ever. Everyone around me no longer wants to hear it or talk to me about it bc they think i should be over it and only think of the baby. I would agree to that BUT HOW???
DLS, I dont know that there is OW. H moved back home with parents and they say he is home every night (not that he can't be playing during the day). H is a FT grad student in an intense medical program and graduates soon. He is working (for free as a student) clinicals at the hosptal 40 hours a week plus classes, and I know he doesnt have any money. So I am not sure where OW would fit in... unless she is broke like him and understands. I also think sometimes that maybe he has in eye on someone and by all means when he starts working and has two pennies in his pocket I am sure he will be out and about and will have OW right by his side.
I do talk to him in that voice and when I am my most normal and calm self, i can see the difference it makes and how it draws him close. But then I always manage to ruin it by saying something about us. I am 7 1/2 months pregnant (H wanted to start a family) and H would like to be friends...
How do I know the difference between cake eating and friendship as the start of reconciliation.
Everyone we know has said something or other to him that what he is doing is wrong and he will live to regret it. H is the type of person (not that i know him much apparantly) that gets withdrawn and will try to prove to everyone that h will be happy and its not the wrong choice. He also had people from the University program reach out to him, other adults who have had marital hardships while in the program, family, frinds, everyone. there is one BAD seed in his life. An old friend, whom H was very close too. Went seperate ways and kept in touch lightly. In December I noticed they started chatting, sports, wives etc. etc. H stayed away from old friend mainly bc his character changed. This other guy cheated on his wife (while they were going through fertility treatments to get PG), got involved with the wrong crowd, blah blah blah. I didnt say dont be friends with him as H was always a grounded, sound person with morals and didnt think it would make a difference if they just were occasional friends. H went out with this friends the same night we announced we were pregnant, and told him that he was unhappy with me. Friend, I am almost 100% positive, told him to leave. A baby is no reason to stay. All of H's good friends (mutual friends) have dropped him bc they are crushed by his action and dont understand what happened.
Jstar, I understand about the deadline on the sitch. I made the mistake of telling H as of May 1 I was done, as it was 4 months since he left, and I have to focus on the baby. He got upset and said first an ultimatum and now a deadline...
I said it was more than you ever gave me... Instead you left the first you said you werent happy.
Daddy I know you mean well but it won't work. I don't think BD should send it.
Baby doll, of course you aren't going to shut these feelings off about your H! But believe it or not, to help you get into baby mode, the shower really helps!
I am going to be honest and I hope nobody judges me. But once WH actually left, I was resentful of being pregnant and the baby. I was not excited, not looking forward to it, and wondered what would happen if I just handed S over to WH and said "here you go! You and your whore can raise him!" OF COURSE THAT CHANGED around the time I had my shower, in the middle of May.Seeing all the baby stuff and hearing everyone talk about him (my baby) really helped me to get back on track and start to bond with him. WH left at the end of March. So I had a good 6 weeks where I didn't harm myself or the baby but just had "blah" feelings about the baby. Like I said, those feelings went away! But I am being honest about how this situation made me feel.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
