interesting weekend...went out with my girls on friday night and ended up having to ask my H via text message if he could leave the bar he was at. i had plans to meet about 20 people there (which i mentioned to my sister in the elevator which was overheard by a mutual friend of both my H and I who lives in my building and was on the elevator with us), and later got a call from this mutual friend that my H and his buddy were already up at that bar and had asked him to join them. so he wanted to avoid any awkward run in business. my H had no way of knowing i was planning on being there, but i couldn't ask 20 people to relocate because i didn't want to run into him, so it got a little weird.
he texted me about 30 minutes after i asked him if he and his 2 friends could go somewhere else, saying that he had left. he also said something along the lines of "so i guess this is where it gets strange." i answered back that i thought it was pretty strange before. tried to have a good time when i went out that night, but he was weighing pretty heavily on my mind.
i emailed him saturday morning to say i was feeling weird about asking him to leave and to let him know a good friend of ours had recently had her baby. i also said "i miss you" in the email...his response was a one sentence reply: yeah i saw the baby, cute, no worries about the other night, none of this is easy.
no mention of missing me, no acknowleding that i'd even said it. i don't know what i expect from him at this point, but i've tried every other approach, so i thought maybe i'd reach out to him and let him know how much i miss him...and i got nothing in return. who is this man? who is this person who can walk away from me and not look back, who can promise me years and years together and let it all slip away and leave me to start all over again? who is this man who swore to protect me and to make me feel safe, who can turn around and be the one to hurt me so much?
i cried a lot this weekend. A LOT. took some codine to get to sleep on saturday, but all that did was make me feel sick. i don't want to have to worry all the time about being out and running into him. i don't want to have to worry about seeing him on a date or with another woman on the back of his motorcycle some day. i want him to move far away, so i don't have to think about him, or talk to him, or maybe one day run into him.
how do you get to a point in your life when someone who was once the center of your gravity becomes a distant stranger?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
