Passenger-I think TG and I have certainly not been running. Even when we've both probably had several folks suggest it.
As TG said-it's not healthy. For either person.
I still have much work to do on me. And she's got a fair amount to do on her. We should give each other the space to do the work and see where it all works out.
I'm willing to do that, but I can't continue down this road without any timetable or info from her as that's what I get-nada.
OP is right. I think having a general time frame like you don't see yourself standing here in x years or something like that but if you are focusing on her to show you something it will creep into everything you do and every interaction with her. You will come off as controlling because you are trying to control it.
I was in the same place last week. You'll also become resentful of her for not showing you these signs of your timetable.
No expectations. None. Just hope. Never give up hope.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
OP is right. I think having a general time frame like you don't see yourself standing here in x years or something like that but if you are focusing on her to show you something it will creep into everything you do and every interaction with her. You will come off as controlling because you are trying to control it.
This is good and it sure will.
I've never seen one relate or react positively to a time table.
You know I got a 6 month timetable that ran out over a month ago. She was trying to move and found out she's signed a 6 month lease so she's there at least another 4+.
She did tell me to do WHATEVER I felt like I needed to do to move forward.
The barn door is open now.
All great suggestions! Now let's just see if I can do any of them. Plopping one foot in front of the other today.
You know...I heard more whining/complaints today about her getting a bum deal on taxes when she absconded with $22,000 a few years ago. Wondered why she got stuck paying taxes on that when she filed seperately?
I cannot seem to draw a simple enough picture. She won't talk to the cpa cuz he helped "put the screws to her."
Let's see...I have to make a choice.
Her or someone who doesn't think I'm a cheat, liar, controller, or has just been an all around numskull for 33 years.
NC for 2 weeks. She called a couple of times and I never picked up. After her message of wondering what was up I wrote her a letter that first off expressed a desire to make things work, and a few other comments along that line. Then I pointed out that a part time marriage was not working for me and that if that's where we are at we may as well get on with mediation and the D.
I saw her at a family function prior to her getting the letter, and expressed much the same thing as was found in the letter. The next day after getting the letter she called very upset and all she found in the letter was that I was done. She read the letter back, never finding those words, but lots of the opposite expressions. I asked her why she always wanted to look for the negative rather then finding the positive?
She didn't see it that way. She pointed out all the rolls in the hay as of late, that she had come toward me, and basically before it was all done I had the feeling that even though it was her that filed, continues down this road, somehow it was MY fault????????????? And why was I not contacting her or returning her calls? That to her was a sure sign she was getting ripped off.
She did have some valid points in regards to her feeling she had moved toward me, but as far as ANY kind of time frame? "I'm not jumping back into it like I did last time" was her response. Jumping back into it after 7.5 months of being gone? After 5-6 years of being in/out and emotionally distant/gone? She did mention that she knew she needed counseling, but had no time frame for doing that. I asked if that was a lack of priorty for the marraige and got my head bit off.
Wow-are we far apart on how we see things on this or what?
At times, she makes NO sense to me whatsoever, and at other times I can sit back and get some of what she feels. The fact that her house is a complete mess like a hoarder, this time, last time, and the time before for a total of 1.5 years tells me she is really out there.
So why do I feel guilt for her choices???????
At times it sure feels like it would be so much easier to not do a damn thing and just let this happen. No contact-ever. And then I see and hear what a discombobulated mess she is and I know she'd be worse divorced and I feel guilty.
So how do you folks deal with the guilt feelings? I can imagine that after a D I'd get out and date, but sooner or later I'd have to deal with a major case of guilt with HER choices, and I'd still feel bad. Is that just part of this mess?
Because you can't fix or rescue her. I undertand this. You have to look at why you feel like this.
If she fails does it reflect on you?
Is she part of your own identity? self esteem?
What is about her and HER choices that makes you bound to them?
Originally Posted By: dbs
I know she'd be worse divorced and I feel guilty.
That is her choice not yours as you said. Why do you feel responsible for her choices?
dbs I know all too well these feelings as I have posted to you in the past. I know you have been on here long enough to know the answers to your own questions.
As someone(Mach) just so aptly and eloquently said to me yesterday:
You know the answer now stop f#cking around and do it!
This is harder than a normal situation what we have to overcome. Keep going forward....
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
