Question

[awest1217]

It was a semi-rough night only because I have a lot going through my head. My brother preached yesterday about "eradicating the epidemic", and when he got the text from SIL's sister that H was with OW, he told me I need to get this cancer out of my life.

Then at the party, everyone was nice to me and I got along with everyone, but many of his extended family say things to make me think that they have no idea that he has left us. It really isn't my place to tell them what is going on, but at the same time, I think it is stupid for them to act like nothing is happening if they know. They are a family that doesn't ever talk about bad stuff and everything is happy, but at the same time, I just don't know. So that got me thinking. My in-laws don't even know everything because they think that H and I talk all the time and that things are going well between us. They don't have any idea what is going on. This weekend I plan on going over there for mother's day (I have to call MIL to discuss it), but I have no idea what H is doing (not planning on getting anything from S since I got nothing last year).

Also I was thinking about how over the past year, I have made it very clear to his whole family my intentions. I go over to their houses. When I am invited to extended family stuff, I go and act completely pleasant. H doesn't ever do anything with my family and doesn't even try. I know his excuse is that they don't treat him well, but if he always did stuff with the family, they might get a different impression just like his family has of me. I hope they start to notice I am good until H comes. Also I have no idea if H even got his cousin anything for graduating. I gave her cash and a card, but only signed S and my name. I have started to do that with all of the cards this year because I buy them and I put the thought into it. I doubt H does anything for his family, and I know he doesn't ever send anything to my family like I do his. It is just so one-sided and always has been.

Back to what my brother said, I want to get rid of H, but I am still so worried about S. I don't want S to pick-up on H's bad habits and wrongs in his life. Once again S asked today where H lived and asked about OW. I don't ever use her name in front of him and haven't since probably December. I know that is not a long time, but he still associates where H lives with OW, and it kills me and saddens me because that is what he has learned. NOt from me, but from H and what he has seen from H. It is just so sad, and I don't want S to turn out to be like H. I want him to treat girls right. Already S won't make decisions. I ask him waht he wants for breakfast or waht he wants to wear and he says "i don't know" (H's favorite line). I don't want S to be like H and having S over with H even a little bit won't be good, unless H starts to see his bad habits and gets after S so he doesn't turn out like H, which is possible because he won't allow his students to say "i don't know" although he does it all the time.

I guess I am just scared of the unknown. I am scared about what will happen to mea nd where I will be in a few months if I do file. Will I lose the house? Will I be able to afford everything? Will H get a ton of visitation? Will is cost a bunch? All things I wonder and am scared of, but I still have 4 weeks before it happens and before I do file, I am going to give H one last chance to see if anything changes, but I am sure it won't.

Now onto my most busy week of teaching each tri, but once Friday comes...it will be smooth sailing for the last three weeks.