the two posts above are the constant two battling voices in my head!
"I believe in DBing you're not meant to do anything that helps the D along...let him work hard for your sig? just an idea?"
you are so right... thanks for kicking me into perspective! I told H when I was served I wasnt signing bc I didnt accept/want/warrant/believe in Divorce! Well, lets see how long this will last!
When I told H I signed the papers, his reaction was "well it doesnt mean you are going to do anything with them"
Human nature can be funny some times. I want it to work out for her and for him to do what he's supposed to and both of them to be fulfilled and the kids to have a good life. Just like I want for myself.
My mom met with H today. She didnt tell me, He did! He called before they met just to say so. She was angry and felt that H is not being responsible for anything. Not me, the baby, the house, the car, any of our responsibilities (bad side of WAS moving out, and me staying in the house).
Mom said she did most of the talking as H stuck to his story and he "doesnt know" why he left, but he doesnt love me anymroe. She said saying "I dont know" is saying I dont care to tell you, I dont think i owe you an answer. Go Mom! I was really angry with her for going to meet with him! Still am... Although she is a smart cookie, doesnt get as emotional as I do. (H and mom always got along really well, they were always very close).
He basically turned it all around on me and said he would love to be involved with EVERY baby step along the way, but every time he mentions something regarding baby, I want me and him to reconcile! and that I push him out!
UUGGgghhhHHHHHH!!!!!!
Said he doesnt want to argue and avoids my calls and texts (until its convenient for him to contact me or impromptu visits) because he was upset when I started having contractions!
She basically went and said if you told her why you left, no matter how much it hurts, then she could grasp something and MOVE ON!!!! He still didnt care.
Mom said they hugged bye.
I was irate! How dare they!
What did she get out of it... NOTHING!!! and H??? NOTHING!!! But more underserved attention.
Wrote an email to H's parents. they want to host a baby shower dinner with their family for me... Ummm No Thank You! I was so polite and gracious and loving in the email (too chicken to call them)but declined their offer. I saved the email draft and will send from work tomorrow.
Couple of things mentioned
- I am not even having a shower with my own family and friends. -- And I am registering for baby gear, and if they choose to help out than so be it... sorry to sound like expect gifts, but I started recieving things, and mine as well select what I like and think is safest.His family has also made it clear that they will choose things for me if i dont register. - I hope they will be part of the baby's life the same way, if their son hadnt left. -My home and my heart will always be open to them and all of their family to visit me and my son - I have tried every thing under the sun to work things out with their son
Now when IL's read the email, I can be sure they will show H. and H will turn around and make me out to be the villian and that I wont allow him in my life as a friend or to be part of the baby planning process b/c I said its either all or nothing.
What is your advice... Do i allow him to take part in all the baby planning and birth etc.? Will it harm me more? What are the pros and cons...
DLS, i wanted him to man up and be respectful and go to counseling with me all along. you probably have caught me while on my downward spiral of a rollercoaster life, but I am pro marriage and want nothing more that H to come home and fall in love with me all over again. Just dont understand why fight alone... and how long you keep it up... and if having the baby in two months would be better or worse if i had no hope!
but piano gave me renewed stregnth. H wants a D, then man up and ask me for it! (again) things became different after he sent the D papers. maybe it was because he felt like there was no going back?
Hey Babydoll, I'll come home to you, LOL. I don't have a home to go to right now.
Here goes the deal. Do what you are supposed to in this situation. If it works out, that is great. You guys can make it better than the first time. If it doesn't someone else will appreciate you.
I hope your husband brings his ass home and falls deeply in love with you again.
Ok when you said if your H wants a D then he needs to "man up" and do it, it is EXACTLY how I am feeling and have been since he brought it up in March! My friends and family have asked why I don't push it along, and I say HE NEEDS TO FEEL IT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. I did say to you to sign them if you felt it would help you to detach. But the principle of your H needing to be responsible for it since he is the one who wants it is something I totally agree with and support 10000%!
Are you sure you don't want a baby shower? Why not exactly? If you do want your ILs in your baby's life, then this is a good start- your H won't be there and I guarantee that 99% of the baby shower talk will be about the baby and your pregnancy!
Please think about it before you send the email. Others may disagree but I am so grateful to have my ILs support.
And your mom- wow! What a typical response from your H "I don't know" why he left...but he "doesn't love you." ?????????? Ummm you would think he would have some clear reasons and not the numb, blanket "I don't know" response.
I do think it is interesting that he brought up that whenever he started talking baby, you started talking reconcile.
I say that because now you know a 180 you can implement. Bonding over the baby is huge and if you want to be with him, use that opportunity but don't discuss your future together. There is a risk that he could still want a D, but if you do want to reconcile, use all of your ammo.
What is the most you can handle regarding baby stuff and seeing him without causing you too much pain?
Sorry babydoll...this has to be seen in 3 ways. 1)paving the way for reconciliation 2) paving the way for divorce and co parenting 3)paving the way of limbo....
Last edited by newmama; 05/03/1004:37 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
