Cagz I know what ya mean, hmmm....and I thought I had found you on there...If not I added someone, lol. I couldnt find anyone from NC either! lol
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
WEll, last night wasnt so great...I guess you could say me and my H had our first back together "discussion" as he would say. I would say it was a fight...haha.
We went to my son's ballgame last night. We havent been so happy that our son is being keep in the dugout so much and only being able to hit once if that while other kids hit 3 or 4 times. Of course this is his first year on this league, but he has been playing for 4 years, 3 of them being with this coach. Well, that last few games my H gets so mad about it BUT wont say anything to the coach....he gets so mad he says he will take our son home and he wont play at all for this team...some of the kids can be ugly to if our son doesnt make a good play. Now, Our son has a very good attitude about it all and it shows, even the coachs will reward him for it...I understand there are better players than him, but he is there to have fun and to be given the opportunity to play and learn. Well, last night I was working the concession stand and didnt really get to watch the game...my H did though. He was NOT happy once again, but was so mad he wouldnt talk to the coach....so I had made up my mind that I was going to go and just mention nicely to the coach that I would like to see my son play a little more....
so, I waited patiently for the other parents to leave, I didnt see my H around, so I talked to the coach...told him how i would like to see son play more because he was beginning to not wanna play if he didnt get to hit any...coach understood, of course he made lots of excuses too...anyway, I see my H standing in the distance waving for me to come to him and I said to him "hold on". Well, he walked away....my conversation with the coach lasted maybe 5 min....a couple of other mothers with the same concern approached him to about their kids.
We are just moms who come out to watch our kids play...not sit in the dugout! OK anyway...sorry so long, but Im getting to the point, lol.....
I walked out to the truck where my H was...we had drove separately...he was furious with me!!! MAD more like it! I wanted to know why! He said he werent going to discuss it right then...ok, so I walked away, got in my vehicle and went home....waited for him to get there...stayed out of his way till he cooled off....of course by then I was mad...mad that he was mad at me for speaking up when he wouldnt do it!!
Well, finally I went to him and asked why he was so mad at me....of course by then he just says "its fine, nothing, it doesnt matter know, Im over it" UGH! That ticked me off! Then I told him that if it didnt matter I wouldnt be there having the discussion with him. He then began to raise his voice at me about WHY....Of course I got upset, because I hate confrontation! Hate it with a passion....anyway...this is one of my things too...I have never been someone to speak up when I think something is wrong, but since my separation I have learned to change that and now I do speak up when I dont agree with something especially when it has to do with my kids....trust me, I was nervous talking to that coach, but I walked away proud that I did it....then my H has to shoot me down....I told him that too...then after saying more stuff he just said he was proud of me for speaking up.
BUT the fact of the matter was he was MAD because I overstepped him. Thats what he said....I overstepped him. He was mad because I spoke up before he could get it together to do it! Honestly I dont think he would have ever said anything!
I dont think I did a thing wrong...the only thing I hated was that I got upset at my H and cried in front of him, but dangit, I was hurt that he didnt back me up!!!
I did say that I was sorry we were fighting about it and he said we werent fighting, just discussing....ok whatever! Anyway, by then he is over it and wanting to act like everything is fine and if I am mad at him! uh, yea, just a bit....he did mention that if I thought we were never going to get mad at each other I needed to know that things like that were going to happen...I did remember to NOT walk away from a discussion because that was one of his biggest complaints when he left....that I would always walk away....I did walk back and forth for a little while when talking and he would say that I better not walk away...he was thinking I would but I didnt...I stayed and stood up for myself!!!
There!! I just have to get over the fear of him getting mad at me....my first thoughts go to him leaving me if he gets mad....just a trust issue for me to work through...
wow, what I night...even worse, my kids knew something was going on...I had to assure them that everything was fine.
Well, maybe this was just a test....one of many Im sure.
Sorry this was so long, but had to get it out so I would quit thinking about it!!
I hate when people are mad at me....hate it!! and my H was being such a butt...;)
OK done venting!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I assistant coach my son's baseball team and we are all about having all the boys play. My son is 9.
My only constructive criticism is that, perhaps, unless I missed it above, I would have told H that I was going to go over and speak with the coach 'if you are uncomfortable doing so.' Overall, I don't think you did anything wrong outside of that.
More importantly, overcoming fears like this is a part of the growth that comes from this whole horrible mess we go thru. Eg, many men are afraid of their wives. Here..if you are an LBH, many men allow their WAW's to go out and doodle other men out of fear of drawing a boundary. No more.
Anyway, similar to asking for directions, we men like to figure things out ourselves. Asking directions when WE are driving undercuts us (explaining this tongue in cheek). Talking to the coach undercut him and he got P.O.'d.
I think you are fine.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Kissak, you did good. Nobody likes to fight (I hate it too) but sometimes these "negotiations" are necessary.
IMO your H acted like a typical male (at least my H is like that). He was way too upset with the coach that he didn't want to talk to him right away for fear of blowing up. He likely wanted to calm down first (smart). When you did beat him to it (He was still heated) he took it out on you. When he calmed down, it wasn't a big deal...
I'm glad that you are forcing yourself to make changes and are not walking away from confrontations.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
FIB....I know my H would have probably told me not to go talk to him...but in my mind it was because he just didnt want to bring it up to him. AFter him getting mad so many times and not doing anything about it, I had decided I was going to. It wasnt to undermine my H, but just something i would have done anyway. It was about standing up for my Son...really had little to do with my H. But I see your point. My H said he told me not to talk to the coach, but I dont recall him saying that last night...maybe a couple of weeks ago...but I really didnt expect the blow up...but most likely it had alot to do when hitting him with something when he was already mad....
Mila, I think if I had waited and done it when my H wasnt mad, like at the next practice he wouldnt have cared...But I would have probably lost my nerve and was ready to say something then.
But like you said after it was over and he werent mad anymore, it was no big deal.
This is something I have to deal with now...My H never got mad like this before our separation. This is a new side of him. Not sure how to handle it. I almost feel like Im just gonna have to be the quiet little wifey for a while. Let my H do the talking. Sorry though after 3 years of doing it on my own, its alot to get use to again.
Thanks for the encouragement though!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I agree with FIB...your husband maybe felt like he looked "less than a man" with you doing the deed for your son instead of him...but then again, he may have been having issues...I know this one too...my H will avoid confrontation and most cases I do also, buy like you there are times and situations where I find it hard not to stand up and be heard...
Maybe next time, if it happens, you might just mention before the game that if your son doesn't get to play much you want for you both to talk to the coach...then add if he isn't comfortable doing that you are because your son is involved and that is just what a mother will do...but tell him you would like him to be with you atleast...united front!
The TOH...actually I just pop in from time to time...I try and follow some that were here when I was going through my journey...speaking of those...direct me to your latest thread and I will take a look...
Its easy to see what I could have done different after the fact...lol, I learned a lesson that day. Funny thing, H was completely over it by bedtime....Me, I didnt get over it that fast!
I had a great weekend though. BUSY, but great! We went to a family day at H's work...had our FIRST family pic made since 2006 when all this began!! Felt good....then went to enjoy our son's ball game, which surprisingly he PLAYED more in that day! lol...guess my talk with the coach paid off...haha...my Son did great! He did better than all the 2nd year players! I was sooo proud of him. So was my H
Last edited by kissak; 05/03/1003:59 PM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
