5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

[Babydoll]

gatsby, going off of what you said, is it healthy for us to pushour feelings aside for the baby? Is it good that we just ignore how we feel or "deal" with our feelings and act like we dont care?

newmama, how do you act as if when your H is around? dont you get tired of it? Does the anger take over the love?

Piano, funny you asked your husband "And tell me, what WILL you tell your daughter one day, when she's 18 or 30 and you find she's caught up in a relationship with a married man who has a child on the way?!" . Wonder if a huge bell rang in his head!!!

[newmama]

In response to pushing our feelings aside for the baby, if you mean only wanting your M for the baby then no, it isn't healthy.

When my WH was around seeing S here at the house, I just acted as if I was ok but when my anger or sadness overwhelmed me, I went upstairs or left so that he didn't see it.That was DBing. Now that I have started this new arrangement where he doesn't get to hang around the house, I don't give a sh!t how I act! But that is because I believe he really is going to file for D. I mean I won't badmouth him to S or yell at him in front of S (and I don't think yelling at him is productive anyway).

[gatsby11]

Hey BD, what did I say? Was it in the last post or an older one?

I guess I don't think it is healthy to push aside feelings at all. I think it's good to deal with it however you need to-- talking, writing, thinking, crying. (I'm talking about us, LBS, dealing with the WAH here.) I really don't think it's good to ignore. I hope I don't seem to say that I ignore my feelings. I mean, I might, but I really try not to. And I don't think anyone else should either!

Hope that addresses what you meant; if not, let me know. . .

[gatsby11]

Maybe, BD, you were talking about my first +? I was definitely talking about P's WAH and not her! Even though in retrospect you, P, can see signs, I don't see you handling the sitch in an unhealthy way at all.

[Babydoll]

no I agree with wanting the M for the baby to be unheathy, i guess I mean I think from your thread that you were still in love with your H when the baby was born, and up intil now still hope he would change his mind... did you push all your feelings aside of wishing he'd come back and act like you could care less or act like you were happy with the separation?

I dont know if in two months I could not want him back or not get angry w him. I also agree that i would never bad mouth H to son or get angry in front of him...

Guess it takes a lot of control and practice.

[gatsby11]

Hey, I think you're talking to NM, but here are my unexperienced thoughts, BD: I think a benefit of GALing is that you BECOME happy with the separation. Not that you don't want reconciliation, but that you see what the separation can give you-- time to grow, think, explore, and space for him to do the same-- and find contentment in that.

It reminds me of that prayer or poem or whatever to. . . well, shoot, all I can remember is --okay, I googled it! It's the serenity prayer-- to accept what you cannot change. None of us can change our separated status right away. We have to go through it. And make the best of it.

There does come a point, I'm sure, when you see that that reconciliation may not be reasonable. And it will hurt. But if you're processed as much as you could and GALed a lot, that space can be navigated more smoothly. It might even be facilitated by a new man in the picture, who knows?

All that said, I really don't know what I'm talking about and more experienced people probably have better advice.

[newmama]

oops- sorry Gatsby for cross communication through your thread! You are wise to fully acknowledge all of your feelings. I would not let myself see DIVORCE or being a single mom as my future because I did not want that to happen- was trying to follow THE SECRET or whatever- you know, the universe gives you what you want,etc, etc. Hope you know what I am talking about! The pre-pregnant and pre-mom ME was all about having a plan for everything and I would have just reacted with a D and dealt with the emotions later. Babies complicate things! (But maybe they shouldn't)

OK and you are right to make the most of the separated status in the sense of using the time to get back to the you without your H. Not that we all changed completely when we got married, but I have observed enough to see a fusion takes place..."we" instead if "I" and shared activities take over the old hobbies or interests that we once pursued. Separation does give you time to truly reflect on what you need and want in a relationship. Our Hs (or those of us whose Hs are with OWs) are not getting that- they jumped right into a relationship with someone.


BD the way I acted after S birth until now was kind, polite, caring, complimentary, interested in WH (except for asking about his social life with OW which removed a lot of possible topics of conversation), patient, accommodating, improved cleaning, cooking,working on yard/house, started playing wii, didn't complain....but progressed to all of that yet got "busy" and was gone a lot while he was here. I was trying to delay the divorce and buy time, outlasting his A. OW was supposed to get nasty and demanding and then he would compare her to me and remember why he married me and grow attached to S and want US! not HER! That was my plan!

I had a hunch that if I had acted like I didn't care, whatever, we are heading toward divorce, then he would have filed. So I think I was right...my actions delayed his divorce but it didn't end his A because only they can end the A.

I would not recommend the arrangement where H was visiting S over here at the house but I allowed it because 1) I desperately wanted H to bond with S. 2) I was terrified of S bonding with OW if he went over there for visits 3) I wanted H to see my changes and be intrigued and conflicted 4) I guess I admit that deep down I liked seeing H.

But the arrangement was not necessary for H to bond with S! He could have done it the way the courts laid out- Dads see newborns 2 times per week, 3 hours at a time.

I don't regret doing it the way I did because it gave WH a lasting positive impression of me and it did make him crazy about S. And being divorced wouldn't have made me ready to date or change my life- I was not ready!! But what is funny is that if I played hardball and did NC/ pick up, drop off visitation, I wouldn't have regretted that either! We really can do whatever we want-if they want to end the A, they will and if they don't, they won't. But if they want a divorce, then they get the divorced dad reality!!

[newmama]

lol! this is Piano's thread! yikes--I always read you three first! Piano, Gatsby, Babydoll! sorry Piano!

[Piano]

ha ha, that's Ok newmama!

[newmama]

Uh oh- need to clarify something- the way I was acting til now was not FAKE- those adverbs I used to describe are the real me- I was motivated to just keep being that way- ME- because I had hope, was not convinced this is what WH wanted, and was sympathetic to his "plight!" messed up I guess but seriously, this is sooooo uncharacteristic of the man I fell in love with and lived with for 5 years. So that is why I was able to act like that.

The DBing was not bringing up the relationship, not pursuing, begging or pleading, and implementing changes in areas that needed to be improved.

The faking part was not crying in front of him or showing my anger.