Went to bed last night praying asking crying for a speck of light from H just let him at least tell me where he is at in the process somehow. Then I let it go like the sermons said.
Its been flooding and raining like wild fire around here. I called S to check on him, and then called H, he said everything was fine. It rained and flooded more, I felt I needed to call later in the day to check. Good thing I did, I think God got two birds for one. H was irritated I called to check and blessed me out and accused me of asking the kids questions about him. I didnt and told him that I had not. Let him have the rant w/o arguing, He said he was hanging up before he got more angry. With out incident I said ok goodbye.
He called back within a few miniutes. He wanted to know who I talked to at home that told me where he was going.????
Well I hadnt talked to anyone... So obviously he WAS headed towards a very very bad area that would have gotten him into a nasty weather situation.. I was shocked and asked him if that was where he was headed..and he said not anymore! So glad I listened to guidance voice to called when I did.
AND..for my light... He said he wanted to talk to me about something..and didnt want a big conversation on it. I said ok. And braced myself for something that was going to be devestating: He told me ---
Please dont ask questions about me to the kids. I am not trying to hide anything, just asking that you talk to me about me and you be mom for the kids.
(I told him I understood)
*(OK..this was such a good point...I only occasionaly ask if he is awake or if he was feeling ok to check up medically because H wouldnt let me know--guess I wont do that anymore)
If I dont answer the phone when you call at that moment then: I am going to be honest with you --I am going through some internal colflict about you,
sometimes I miss you
and and sometimes I cant stand the sound of your voice at that moment.
I dont know how long it will take 1yr maybe 2yr, I cant tell you (i didnt ask)
but if you cant take it at some point (his tone was in an asking--in otherwords if you cant wait for me to work it out)
Then I expect you will probably move on.
(I told him "I am not on that path")
*(for me this means I am not looking to find someone or get rid of him-- just watching whats happeing with him and trying to work on and figure out me and how I can be better , my expectations for me, while keeping kids ok too- -he is not helping them through this at all, so I am making sure I am "mom")
This is something I just have to go through and workout inside of me --and I have so much else going on.
-- ( He mentioned several things --feeling overwhelmed by job expectations, having to travel with work, kids, home life gerneral keeping, bills, kids social life , his friends, guessing OW is still in picture (not sure), and ME---not to mention also his internal conflicts-)
(I told him I understood.) He said OK, He said he would talk to me later. (I said ok)
--------------------------
I wanted to remember this conversation because for me, I feel a little more able to move on from there. I feel like I have popped into something a little different...he is asking for his spaace...
and I dont need to be concerened about whats in it or if he is making it through it..I just need to let it be...that..let go of the space and time...It doesnt belong to me and him together right now..thats not what this is.
(I know all this is in the boards and good advice from others..but untill it really pops in place from reality..then its not really sinking in)
Im so thankful for this board and resources...((hugs))
M 36/ H 40 4 children HMLC= 5/2009 sign d 3/2010 (to be final 6/10) m16yrs/17yrs in Sept
resource for me: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1
