Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[newmama]

Oops- sorry BD for misunderstanding about the D papers. I was scared of raising a boy. Will your H be involved at all?

The thing is boys are like girls (as babies) because they just want their momma! S likes to bang things hard, and likes to "rough house" or "wrestle" which he started at 8 months! So funny! I take his lead to see what toys he likes- things that have buttons, make sounds, have doors or flaps to open and shut, and he loves balls! He also likes moving his trucks around- so funny because it sounds stereotypical. He loves books and soft things, too, and stuffed animals. Hates pink- just kidding!

OK what I was going to say is that by filing for D and "dropping the rope" your H may surprise you. Best to write him off for now but I wouldn't be shocked to read on your thread that he takes his time to go through with the D or even if he does, that in the future (within the year) he is back. I didn't want to say that because I know it gives hope and don't know if you want hope. The downside of hope for me is that it has prevented me from detaching! Although NC really helps to detach (for me) 90%!

[Babydoll]

NM, I am having such a hard and sad and lonely day, that even reading your post didnt give me hope. so dont worry. i didnt get upset by your post... love to hear you are having fun with your little boy. It put a smile on my face... first one all day.

H claims he wants to be 100% in the babies life, from now til he grows up, i am not sure if this is just talk. I dont believe anything H says.

i agree that hope prevents from detaching. I get a day when I feel strong, i begin detaching, I work so darn hard on NC and dismiss all my feelings about H, even the bad ones, and then he manages to do something to get my attention and the dumbest things give me minimal hope and then I find myself trying to figure out the next step in winning him back. I asked H once, what gave him the strength to walk away and detach... wish I could be that way. How do you just stop loving someone.

Im finding that all of my family, friends and his family too have all decided that i should be able to just turn off my feelings and move on. Of course... its that easy! guess they see the on/off switch on my heart... that is obviously invisible to me.

Sorry for being such a Grump and ebing miserable. Feel like my entire life is going to crumbles... seriously everything i have is falling apart, starting with me.

I feel like signing the D papers and sending them back to H, may just help me see that he is never coming back. Does that make sense? Am i stupid and will regret it one day? Whats the difference, w/ or w/o signed D papers, he is still not home, and still doesnt love me.

Just think there is no point in dragging it out and what if I can deliver the baby knowing that there is absolutly no hope... will i feel better about it? How could I possible regret signing papers he served me with? I just did what he asked, not because I wanted it.

Maybe signing is the last thing I can do... so that i can finally end this saga... and just know that it is officially the end.

[Piano]

Hello BD. Big hugs back!! I don't know if it helps, but I am crying all the time too. It's just extremeley, extremely difficult to be left in this way, eps with the huge transition to first time motherhood.
Your family just want your pain to end - tell them to give you time.
Detaching is going to be hard. We just need to accept these H's don't want to be with us right now. If your H is promising you he will be involved in your child's life, then they say this is a good thing for the child, and for you - well, maybe it means one day you have the friends part of your relationship back, if not more. Don't want to instill hope, but the future is a blank canvas.
Have you got anyone sleeping at your place to keep you company? Would you be better staying with family?
000
xxx

[Geomom]

Babydoll and newmama, I feel as if I'm in both your shoes ... only it took 7 years to get there! My H said he always wanted a family; I wasn't so sure. We were together 10 years before having our son, and always got along wonderfully. He was super-supportive throughout the pregnancy and for about 2 weeks after our son was born. Then, he just turned nasty. Scowled all the time, was always angry at me, complained about the house being unkempt and me being hormonal (I was just exhausted, and suddenly being treated like that didn't help). This went on for a long time, and I cried a LOT alone with my baby.

As our son grew a bit older, things seemed to improve some, although the Dr. Jekyll side of H would come out once in a while. (I know work/financial pressures entered into this as well.) We finally had a big talk about, oh, maybe two years later where I told him how awful he'd made me feel when our son was younger. We seemed to work through it, and I promised him I'd never mention those early baby-day difficulties again (and I haven't).

It feels, though, as if something in him just changed so dramatically when we went from two to three. I know he loves our son more than anything -- don't doubt it for a second -- but I feel like his image and expectations of me just shifted big-time.

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been sold a bill of goods: He wanted me to be a mom, but once I became one, I wasn't who he married anymore. What do you do with that?

[Babydoll]

Hi Piano...

I tell my family all of the time, it takes more than 4 months to erase 12 years... I am still in shock, for pete's sake! I still wake up in the middle of the night and look over and get sick to my stomach when i realize he is not next to me. I wake up some mornings wondering if I made it all up...

I had my mom stay a few days to sleep over, doesnt help. She is so upset and doesnt know how to pick me up and blames herself for everything... i dont want to stay w her either... she is planning to stay for 2 weeks when the boy is born. But we live 5 minutes apart... walking distance that is... sometimes... it is too close. she doesnt understand that she and my siblings are not my husband and cant replace him and should not feel responsible for him...

i want to raise the baby, at least bring him home from the hospital to my house. If I could do it alone, I would. I find myself pushing everyone else away... they dont make it easier, in fact I find that when people cater to me or make me feel like they have to overcompensate for my H leaving, makes me uneasy.

Not sure i can handle H in my baby's life, or the delivery or pregnancy, etc, etc, ect. Wish someone had the right answer... wish someone could just tell me the right thing to do w/o hurting absolutely every one involved and in our lives. This is too much drama for me. We should be planning our days dreaming of names and picking furniture, not like this. I know i have to make the best out of it, but i just dont have the stregnth.

How do you feel P?

[Babydoll]

Hi Geomom,

Are you and your H together? I have to read up on your sitch.
"He wanted me to be a mom, but once I became one, I wasn't who he married anymore. What do you do with that?"
I feel like that all of the time! I always say he helped me create a life out of our dreams, and now I am bound by the life he left behind.

My H is completing a full-time graduate program in a few months, and graduation is this month... i pushed him to go, he wanted to go to better our lives, for our family... we sacrificed everything! I believe school is what created the distance between us. I sacrificed every part of me, emotionally, financially, mentally, physically, everything i had in me...to get him where he is and now I am left with nothing. I have no energy. I was so proud of him... no one ever believed in him the way that I did. When I think of him on his grad day, i cant imagine what will go through his head knowing that I was the sole reason he is there...

I feel like he may have thought he wanted to have a family, but when we got PG maybe he realized he never wanted that? Maybe he wants a whole new life. With a new career, and a new wife... a new life...

It doesnt matter what i do, nothing is giving him second thoughts.

Is it easier to know their is OW? Or to know your H left you just because he didnt love you?

[Piano]

Feeling crap, BD. So with ya on that one. But a bit better after seeing WAH yesterday.
Family and friends are not your life partner - they are a different type of relationship, I so agree. Despite me not wanting my birth partner to be my mum, I have come to accept she is the next best thing to my H. And I am lucky to have family that care, even if they come nowhere near CLOSE to replacing my H who I love so much and who is me/him, him/me. Maybe that was the problem! and why detaching is not possible for me!
I told H yesterday that this child was created from our love and I will be birthing it that way. I can't birth a child separate from my love for him. I will be attached, in spite of myself.
I am in shock when I wake up...mornings scare the bejeebies out of me. That's when I get on here. Currently 6am!
Yes, I am often rude n grumpy with the poeple who have stepped in to fill H's shoes. I resent them. I resent the situation. I need to become a better person.
Good on you for staying in your home if you can to have the baby. You are going to be sooo proud of yourself. I am doing it the wimpy way and going to my mums ofor a few weeks at least.

About having your H involved. Don't be worried if you are unsure now. In my sitch, I have really fretted. You know what, why don't you decide on thee day?! no kidding! just do what you feel you can handle at that time. Right now, you just don't know. Thats OK!

As for him being involved in the lead up.. if you want him with you and are in a place where his presence is GOOD for you boht, not the opposite, then I'd let him in. May not be good for saving the M, but might help end the bitterness?

[Geomom]

BD, you can see the full details on my sitch here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1990503#Post1990503

I'm almost 100 percent certain there's an OW involved (H recently posted a new profile photo on Facebook -- from which he's since defriended me -- and he's wearing a huge, happy grin like I haven't seen in a long time. Unfortunately for him, he was also wearing mirrored sunglasses, so I can see a female figure in the passenger seat (not her face, though) holding up a camera to snap the shot, and I can also see his arm extended toward her to touch her neck).

In one way, it was a relief to find there was an OW (made me realize, maybe I'm not the awful person he's making me out to be -- he just needs excuses). But it's also terribly frustrating because I don't know for sure yet who she is (though I have another clue from the business name on the building they're parked in front of -- think she probably works there, so guess who'll be doing some recon this week? How'd I land this private detective gig?)

And, like you, I feel like I've given SO much for him: stood by him and pulled in income when he wasn't (not to mention that I brought some -- a little -- family money into this relationship, which helped pay for our first house), NEVER EVER belittled him or questioned his career decisions, NEVER discouraged him from investing in business training or books or DVDs even when we were struggling to pay bills, changed the way I cooked to accommodate his various diet fads, etc., etc., etc.

As far as where we're at right now: he became furious with me this week when he discovered I had gone into his Webmail to see if I could learn anything. Told me that was worse than him sleeping with every woman in town. (Of course, he's never actually said, "No, I'm not seeing anyone else." Still a modicum of honesty left, maybe?) After steaming for a while, he said he needed some space to cool off so packed up a bag and has been staying at his Mom's (about a mile away from our house) since Friday. I love his Mom dearly and he said today (when he picked up our son to take him out for a bit) that he hasn't told her anything, just said we had a fight, but I'm not so sure anymore. It's come out that he's already said some pretty negative things about me to family and co-workers in the past and if he is seeing an OW, he's clearly not being honest. Heaven knows what he's really telling people.

Meanwhile, I've stayed absolutely silent about this to everyone except the people here on this board (thank goodness again for this forum -- think I might have gone insane by now if it weren't for this). I spent nearly an hour on the phone with my Mom today and it killed me that I couldn't say anything to her, especially when she started talking about some former friends of my sister who had gotten divorced. I don't plan on burdening her, though: she's got other problems in the family to worry about (troubled sister) and just lost her job this past week. So I sit here stoic and smiling when I'm around people, and sometimes just lose it when I'm alone.

So in answer to your question, is it easier if there's an OW or if he just says he doesn't love you: I can't believe either is easier. Either way, it just plain hurts to your very core.

Ah well, that's my pity party for now. Back to writing a to-do list and making GAL plans for the week. Just have to deal with this one day at a time.

[newmama]

I feel like he may have thought he wanted to have a family, but when we got PG maybe he realized he never wanted that? Maybe he wants a whole new life. With a new career, and a new wife... a new life...

BD I feel the exact same way. Guess he didn't want a family. This has been clanging around in my brain for the last month. Am trying to hold onto that thought so that it will help me understand why he is doing this/has done it.

About your mom's help- I gotta tell you that my mom was here during the first month and I was GRATEFUL! It is pretty hairy the first couple of months and starts to calm down approaching the 3rd month...at least in my case and I have been told S was "easy."

About signing the D papers. When will he bring it up again do you guess? Do you want to wait for him to initiate the talk? If you sign them, it is the start of the process. IF D is what you need to detach, then do it. As for your H thinking he will be 100% in his S life--sorry, but that is not possible unless he is married to you, right? He will be 50% involved at the most. RIGHT????

Check out my post from today in infidelity forum.

[newmama]

and this part sucks to know but- your H still loves you.