embracing change

[flowmom]

journalling:

So yesterday was a very fun family bonding day.

In the morning we all got together for a playdate with the children.

Then in the afternoon and evening I spent time with my parents and Smart Sister and BIL...without kids! It was a very rare treat (my parents live 6000 km away so visits are infrequent).

In the afternoon we went on a short but stunning hike through an old growth forest to the seashore where the sun was shining and the waves were crashing on the rock shore. Bliss.

Then in the evening my mom and sister and I primped and BIL served us champagne . Everyone in our party was looking fab. I was dressed down in slim black pants and cami, but wearing a flashy junk necklace (ssssshh! don't tell D3 I borrowed it without asking ).

We walked to the Italian supper club which featured full-on atmosphere (we got the coveted corner banquette), great Italian cuisine, and absolutely cheesy and over-the-top entertainment. The owner (think Guido) and his band belted out medley after medley featuring the kind of music that you'd expect from a wedding reception. The highlight was the singer donning a mask and treating us to an except from Phantom of the Opera. TOO funny . We were all having a blast on the dance floor. My parents really know how to have fun and none of us were taking ourselves seriously. A classic moment was when I accompanied my mother to the bathroom and she started howling with laughter while in the stall upon realizing that she was wearing a garter belt but no stockings. She's a real ham sometimes, and she decided to stuff the garter into the bra to hide it.

There were some difficult moments. My mother expressed some sadness that H wasn't with us. I think she verbalized something that was quite palpable. Also, I think I was the only single person in the entire restaurant! But I kept positive.

I had the usual too-short night's sleep and woke up feeling less PMA than usual. A friend asking about my sitch triggered the tears (first time in a long time), and unfortunately H came home early with the children and I'm sure my distress was quite visible. That's probably only the third time that I've been visibly upset since the separation, but it didn't feel good to be struggling to pull it together and welcoming my children back at the same time.

I'm not sure what it is about the sitch that leaves me with a stunned disbelief..."how did I end up here?". But there just isn't much room for denial. No matter how much I wish otherwise, I think that H is done and I don't believe there's anything I can do about that.

Wishing everyone a great day. And failing that, at least moments of peace.