I totally lost it this morning (like, really...)and decided that I needed WAH to come over and clarify what the heck was happening. This probably goes against every DB rule, but stuff it, I was at my wits end.
We spoke in circles for about 5 hrs, but I think we gained a more full understanding of each other at the end.
I asked a family member to sit in and listen to everything that was said, as I needed a witness in a sense to where H was at, since I am having real trouble digesting what he's saying and doing. That was really helpful, because I now do not have to waste energy relaying the situation and going over detail myself.. it makes the road less lonely.
H repeatedly told me that he just didn't love me anymore, that he had been unhappy for years and years and just didn't do anything about it. I don't beleieve it is "script" anymore - I beleive it to be true. He mentioned I was dominating and that he felt crushed. I believe him. He misses the girl he met 15 years ago. He said he could not be happy with me and that he would put himself first because he was no good to anyone - a partner or child- unless he was good to himself. I find that hard to argue with frankly, but I did say that whether it was convenient or not to his self-development, we have created a new life and he should put this child ahead of himself for the moment. That means committing to stay here and help raise her for the time being... that leaving me on the other side of the world with a baby was completely unacceptable to me.
He said he couldn't make that a priority. Then of course the OW came up! He told me he has plans with OW but they are not fixed and very vague because everything is a mess right now. I actually think their R will die in the a**. I broke several more DB rules and told him exactly what thought of person I thought OW was. I shot them both down on their values, and said mistakes happen, we're all human, but we stop doing them when we realise our actions are "wrong" and hurting too many people. I said he was ashamed of his affair (he refuses to call it an A), otherwise he would have been shouting his love for her from the rooftops and not hidden it. He didn't look convinced, people!
I asked him if he wanted to be at the birth. He said he thought it would be wrong considering it would be bad for me. I said, put me aside and tell me what you would want in the best of worlds. He said he would not want to be in the room, but wants to be in the waiting room. I asked him why he didn't want to see the first mins of his child's life, and he didn't really have an answer.
We talked about the surname. I said I was still thinking about that and that would largely depend on what decisions he made about his child in the next days/weeks. If he was chosing himself over raising her, then I would probably give her my family name (and have his name as a middle name or not even) as I didn't want to 'damn' her with his name - a legacy of abandonning and cheating on their womenfolk. I also didn't make too big a deal of how I'd proceed either way.. I am not going to use her name as the battleground.
I made him realise the financial cost of separation divorce and what I would be expecting of him. He was truly crushed and near killed me to tell him how hard he had worked, come from no money, done well, and was about to lose it all. I said it doesn't have to be this way, again.
Then I set a big whopping boundary.
I said the trauma of the trifector (leaving as he did, me pregs, him offering no coparenting support), I would not tolerate him chosing OW over his child. That he could get on a plane and get lost now if he could not make an adult decision to comit to being here for his child for a decent innings and to assist me in my transition to motherhood (by giving us a safe amount of time and space to resolve our differences). I also said under the traumatic circumstances, bringing OW here would be the last straw for me, that I am just not strong enough to accept this extra trauma, and I would not be ammenable to reconcilliation of any kind and that things would be their ugliest. I said this makes me very sad, but there's only so much one person can take.
It felt better to talk after 2 months of DARK/DIM/NC not really working to turn around my sitch (other than giving me respite from his drama). I realised I was dealing with someone who WAS truly unhappy with me, and while OW is an obstacle to any form of reconcilliation, she was not our M's real problem.
I can also make some more informed decisions.
I feel slightly better for opening communication a this important jucture before the birth, and there will be more talks. My world is still crumbling and I am afriad of the day ahead.. and I still LOVE him, he sees that, and he hates it !!!!!
I keep telling him i don't want the M anymore, it's dead, but he knows i want to rebuild a new one. I should even shut up about that, right? I would follow the DB principle of not taking R except the guy could get on a plane any day now... I won't be able to do anythig if he leaves... So I am thinking no matter what, I have to keep him here somehow without making it seem like a trap!
