NM, I am having such a hard and sad and lonely day, that even reading your post didnt give me hope. so dont worry. i didnt get upset by your post... love to hear you are having fun with your little boy. It put a smile on my face... first one all day.
H claims he wants to be 100% in the babies life, from now til he grows up, i am not sure if this is just talk. I dont believe anything H says.
i agree that hope prevents from detaching. I get a day when I feel strong, i begin detaching, I work so darn hard on NC and dismiss all my feelings about H, even the bad ones, and then he manages to do something to get my attention and the dumbest things give me minimal hope and then I find myself trying to figure out the next step in winning him back. I asked H once, what gave him the strength to walk away and detach... wish I could be that way. How do you just stop loving someone.
Im finding that all of my family, friends and his family too have all decided that i should be able to just turn off my feelings and move on. Of course... its that easy! guess they see the on/off switch on my heart... that is obviously invisible to me.
Sorry for being such a Grump and ebing miserable. Feel like my entire life is going to crumbles... seriously everything i have is falling apart, starting with me.
I feel like signing the D papers and sending them back to H, may just help me see that he is never coming back. Does that make sense? Am i stupid and will regret it one day? Whats the difference, w/ or w/o signed D papers, he is still not home, and still doesnt love me.
Just think there is no point in dragging it out and what if I can deliver the baby knowing that there is absolutly no hope... will i feel better about it? How could I possible regret signing papers he served me with? I just did what he asked, not because I wanted it.
Maybe signing is the last thing I can do... so that i can finally end this saga... and just know that it is officially the end.
