I don't know if this will be encouragement to you or not, but here's how I handled some of that stuff....also a mistake or two that I made.
By the time we got to where you are, I had already seen a C on my own a couple of times, so I had some benefit from that guidance.
The wisdom I received from my C was to let her do the work, but to be cooperative. So, here's how I handled that. Basically, I turned a lot of things into a question. For example, when she asks you how you are going to split that stuff up, ask her what she's got in mind.
I read a post from Greek yesterday. I don't remember the verbiage, but it was something like she "delayed" or "drug her feet" when she was having some uncertainty or doubt that she really wanted to divorce. You might notice for instance that your W goes gangbusters to get this stuff done for a few weeks, or a couple of months, for example. Then starts to slow down. If she doesn't slow down, you'll know emotion is still running very high. It seems that on the part of the WAW that action is a result of emotion (which is probably obvious).
So, I understand how hurtful this is for you. Hang in there and be cooperative as you can.
One other thing for you. If you don't normally do a bunch of housework, I'd not go overboard in what you're doing now. My W got angry when I started trying to serve her and pulled away more. She saw it as manipulative. Don't know if yours is the same, but that's what I found in my situation.
A few different things helped my situation, but time was a big one. In time, my W's anger slowed down and she became more willing to talk about her feelings. Leading the way in seeking C on my own seemed very beneficial also.
Thanks glimmerman, I am doing quite a bit more housework than normal buy my W hasn't addressed it at all. She went out to run errands, came home and is watching tv in our room with the door closed. I am trying to stay busy but I'm riding the line between doing too much and not enough. Pretty soon there won't be Anthony left to clean. I guess I can't assume that she isn't noticing any of the work doing but then again that can't be my focus anyway.
Just trying to stay positive and not let my mind get the best of me.
Thanks glimmerman, I am doing quite a bit more housework than normal buy my W hasn't addressed it at all. She went out to run errands, came home and is watching tv in our room with the door closed. I am trying to stay busy but I'm riding the line between doing too much and not enough. Pretty soon there won't be Anthony left to clean. I guess I can't assume that she isn't noticing any of the work doing but then again that can't be my focus anyway.
Just trying to stay positive and not let my mind get the best of me.
Not only can't her noticing be your focus. You shouldn't care. Having a clean house is a reward in itself, and guess what? You cleaned it yourself. You can do things all by yourself. Part of the whole GAL/detachment idea is just finding a calm, confident center where you know that no matter what happens you are going to be OK.
Not that you will be like that 24x7, but I am finding I am more and more sure that I will be OK no matter what happens, so I am 99% PMA. I do live under the same roof with my W, and sometimes I get sucked into her gloom, but even when that happens, I am fine knowing there is nothing I can do about her mood when she is not receptive. I am not doing anything that should make it worse, but I realize it's not something I can control.
Our situations--with the exception of the big D talk--aren't completely similiar, so take this with a grain of salt, but... once you are happy not knowing what is going to happen, your confidence is going to return, and your head is going to be clearer for having gone through all of this, I expect.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Timeheals, your right, my focus does need to be on being confident that I can do things on my own.
I hasn't even been a week and I have already made soo many realizations about how my behavior got me here and things I can do to make this, or another relationship better.
Well, W caught me reading LL last night so I didn't flinch and just kept reading. Finished the book and went to bed. No mention of anything from her. I guess I won't be hiding that book around the hous but she doesn't know about DR, should probably stay that way.
I'm having a really hard time not addressing this things with her. Is there anyway to approach it with out setting myself back 10 steps? I really don't want to regress at all (not saying I have progressed at all).
No R talk unless that's what she wants, and then listen and if possible affirm (e.g. "I understand", "I am sorry you feel that way").
If you want to push her away, I suppose you could do R talk to death, and eventually you will both get sick of that tug of war.
Right now, your focus should be on improving your own life and building your own happiness. You have to detach. I don't mean you don't care, but stop trying to fix things in her or get her to see stuff. You can't fix anybody buy yourself, and nobody is going to make you happy but yourself. Relinquish trying to control others or letting others control you.
By your own admission, you haven't always been the best listener or understood your wife's needs (no big deal--people make mistakes), so if she's telling you she wants out of your M, how is trying to convince her that saving your M is the way to go any different? Let her come to you with the R talk, and then do not get locked into a battle of wills.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
W asked if I wanted to talk than she would listen. So this morning I told her about all the things I have realized about how I acted in our M and I apologised for alot of things. We both cried and she thanked me for my apology and said she was happy I realized those things but she was still too hurt to change her mind. She said it's over and she was finally strong enough to want a divorce and wasn't going to be weak enough to get back into our R.
What she said was pretty hurtful but true on her part. I know she is hurt and doesn't trust my words.
I know I can look at this two ways: 1) she is really done and will never want to be in a M with me again.
2) she is so hurt from the years of selfish behavior on my part and it will take some time and consistancy on my part to show her that I can be more like the guy she married and less like the guy she divorced.
I am not stupid enough to think that 5 years of ignorant behavior could be reverse with a week of making the bed and doing the dishes.
I guess I need advice on how to procceed from some vets who have been through this part. Do I just keep my head on straight and stay positive?
I assume that this is the point where alot of the real work and patience begins.
#1 is accurate for how she feels TODAY. Feelings change and #2 can become accurate in time.
From this point forward, you will learn more if you reverse how you started out. You can direct the conversation.
She said if you wanted to talk, she would listen. So, it will helpful if you learn that when you talk, some of it should be in the form of questions. Telling her what you're going to do isn't as good as getting started on doing it, which she will notice. Don't go overboard. Overboard is manipulative and she knows it won't last.
From my experience, agreeing with my W's feelings was very productive. At first, I would think "but if I agree with her feelings, my butt is headed straight to divorce court". Wasn't necessarily true. It's kind of like the "shared reality" thing. "Shared reality" actually means she wants you to "share HER reality", that is to try to understand why she feels the way she does.
In Divorce Remedy, go back over #1 and #2 of mandatory DO's of divorce busting.
This stuff is no fun, but the good news is your W is ALREADY starting to talk to you.
I am trying to find that balance between being proactive with my changes and not going overboard. I can see how going from 0 to 60 in a few days would raise some eyebrows.
She still wants to go forward with starting to split up some of our important papers (tax stuff, loan paperwork etc). How do I procceed? I want to work on the M but if I drag my feet and make things hard on her then she will not react well and it may undo the work I am trying to accomplish.
Do I go along (assuming that we still have a few months before she will file) and continue my growth and 180s? We can always put our papers back together if things work out.
I feel like our conversation today was a positive moment. I know she is still adament about leaving but now she has an idea of what my mental state is.
Now comes the hard work I guess.
Any plan of attack for getting her to soften her stance? I guess it's just time and consistancy on my part.
