Some of those comments from the wedding are completely ballbreaking. Of course she thinks she's being honest. I talk to my EX-wife and we have a prety good relationship. She normally says "life is a bitch", and my comeback to that is "life is not a bitch, we make it a bitch".
Now she's saying "life is a ball", and thats the way I was accustomed to living before the marriage with my current wife who has self-limiting beliefs and beliefs which make my life "a bitch", LOL. One of my current wifes beliefs is "you don't get what you want", and another is "life is a bitch". Due to those beliefs, she makes it true.
Anyway what I'm saying to you, is maybe you come out of "police" mode and overly analytical mode and switch it to "life is a ball mode". What that means is you guys are dating, you are supposed to ENABLE her having fun and enjoying life.
What I'm saying is you already know you guys are going to have to date a little, do some sugar daddy stuff and give her some money tell her to buy her self something, or to go somewhere with her girlfriends, go on a trip with her ( Vegas, Cruise, etc ), or even send her on a trip by herself.
Its going to take a while. If she stays in this disallusioned with marriage ballbreaker mode, I'm not sure your going to like it too much. I know I wouldn't and most people on this DB forum would not like it.
The other thing is get funnier. Comebacks to those ballbreaks will lessen their impact, and lessen her impact when she does it.
IE: she says "Maybe she realized what a big mistake she just made.", you could say "yeah, I guess so" or even "well maybe she knows for a fact that she didn't make a mistake". Something.
By the way OIN, for 5 years in my current situation, just about every remark, every comment I get from my wife is completely ballbreaking, completely disrespecting, etc. I'm literally talking over several dozen ballbreaking comments per day, and at its worst, hundreds per day.
I may have gotten half a dozen ballbreaking comments in a month in past relationships and early on with her, so this really was a big change.
Over time this verbal abuse affected my view of self, my personal power, even my erections. Don't take it. None of us should take eating [censored] laid out for us in our personal relationships.
Also the marriage counselor needs to be aware of those comments.
Anyway, I'm not really telling you what to do, as usual just throwing some ideas out here.
I had gone to church today and heard something that has put me in a more positive mental state.
I reacted defensive in some situations and maybe over reacted. The past couple days I , since things have gone pretty well considering and compared to the a couple months ago, I have expected a certain response or reaction.
I don't think it is so much my W trying to push my buttons than it is her expressing how she feels at that very moment. Due to our situation to here marriage is nothing special or all that it is made out to be.
I plan I calling for my second DB coaching session this week. I will mention these things and see where it goes.
I had an intrapersonal conversation today and I know I got off track of accomplishing my personal goals to becoming a better person and the husband my W would not want to leave.
Looking back at my goals I set 3 weeks ago, 4-5 were accomplished. Some not consistent but met. After talking to the DB coach again I will go back to my goals, rethink and revise.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Your strategy sounds detailed. The thing that your wife is doing "in the moment" can be very destructive. You will be a very happy man if your wife changes that and starts looking forward, in mostly the same direction as you do.
My W was looking forward to the future but it did not have me in it. I am only 3 months into my sitch after nearly 10 years of being the terrible person I was. I know it will take time for her to change direction. What she is doing in the moment is only destructive it I let be destructive. I combat her attitude with positive energy.
As for the coach, I don't think so, but I am uncertain, check the F.A.Q section
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I had gone to church today and heard something that has put me in a more positive mental state.
I reacted defensive in some situations and maybe over reacted. The past couple days I , since things have gone pretty well considering and compared to the a couple months ago, I have expected a certain response or reaction.
I don't think it is so much my W trying to push my buttons than it is her expressing how she feels at that very moment. Due to our situation to here marriage is nothing special or all that it is made out to be.
I plan I calling for my second DB coaching session this week. I will mention these things and see where it goes.
I had an intrapersonal conversation today and I know I got off track of accomplishing my personal goals to becoming a better person and the husband my W would not want to leave.
Looking back at my goals I set 3 weeks ago, 4-5 were accomplished. Some not consistent but met. After talking to the DB coach again I will go back to my goals, rethink and revise.
good on accomplishing the goals. But OIN you're figuring it out. You see she was pushing your buttons because you were giving her the "usual expected response, interaction or reaction." She's going to "test you" and "push your buttons" and "put feelers out there" to see if "your changes" are real. It may be intentional or unintentional or just become a habit for her to do it. The thing is you're going to have to really think things through so you don't backslide. And you're on the right track with the POSITIVE ENERGY, positive interactions, positive responses but you still don't have to be a doormat either.
Last edited by james217; 05/02/1009:13 PM.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Yes, I have done so much to reprogram my buttons. Reacting differently from how I would have acted in the past.
Today so far...
When I returned home from church W was sleeping, Still is still not feeling well. The congestion in her chest is causing her asthma to act up.
I laid next to W in bed but then decided to go downstairs and let her rest. I took the dog outside while she was sleeping and caught up on a couple books.
Eventually I went back up and rested next to her in bed. She rolled over to me at one point and said "I'm hungry" and I said "We can stop somewhere before the show if you like" she told me she did not feel up to going anywhere to eat and asked if I would prepare her something from our kitchen, so I did. I brought the food up to her in bed and she thanked me. I went downstairs and about 10 min later she is calling me...she met me at the top of the steps and said "Can I have some ice cream?" I chuckled a little bit then said "sure, no problem" She thanked me again...
She is currently getting ready for the show. Hopefully we have a great time tonight.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
This is working for you? Reading your past few posts were just excruciating. I don't know when you're going to stop punishing yourself in this way. I don't think it's healthy.
A little over a month ago she was cheating on him and she was gone. So this is an improvement. Its been improving slowly, but surely.
There is not going to be a dramatic turnaround, I think its going fine for him. If he stays this course, and things keep improving, maybe in 6 months or so, she's wanting him up in her guts. And a few months after that maybe she's wanting him up in her guts on a regular basis, and thinks she was stupid for almost letting this man go.
so I said "Oh you mean like when I say TY and never get a ur welcome" she said "whatever" realizing I just got her upset, I changed the subject and went back to being upbeat...
this is it in a nutshell. This is what you are supposed to avoid. I suggested days ago that you be upfront and tell her matter of fact that you like her to be civil to you and say thank you, hello and goodbye. You didn't do that. You did this instead. This is bad because it is underhanded. It is a jab at her. It is mean. Yu could have told her in a neutral way, but instead you chose to jab at her and accuse her of being rude to you.
