Maybe it's my phrasing. I don't blame DB and I don't have regrets. I got so much out of it. There are just a couple of components that bother me for where I am NOW which are the illusions that 1) I should strive to "save the marriage" which I have done on paper and 2) that I can impact H's behavior more than I can. Each spouse has his/her own pathology and if that person does not want to change or deal with what are usually complex psychological issues, the marriage sucks indefinitely.
I have an H who wants to be married with NO conditions. He has traveled for most of the past year and a half since he left me. He has missed all of that time in being present for his children who were used to having him every day. I have dated him, been intimate, vacationed together as a family...I have also set boundaries when necessary. I have done LRT and it worked like a charm and then as soon as he had my attention he was content giving very little to me. When it was revealed he had a girlfriend (which he actually had all of last year while he was sleeping with me and in limbo with me), I listened and we talked about it and I thought about what I can live with and it became clear so I told him that he had made his choice and I would file for divorce because I will not be married to someone who has a girlfriend (one he expressed being in love with). I am attractive, have been extremely independent and self-assured...huge 180's which he responded to, but, I cannot be a childless single famous rich chick who has nothing but time and money to dote on him. So I told him it was over. He broke up with her and we stayed in limbo.
Now, he is talking to her again, and on public forums. He behaves as a single man. When I asked him a while back what optimal would be for him, he answered to have an open marriage where he can sleep with other women but I don't sleep with other men (okay so that was wishful thinking).
I have to move this month, I have finally laid it out for him because I have to either get a place with him or without him (he's out of town so I am dealing with all of it)...he said he is confused and if I divorce him and he regrets it one day, he will live with that. He loves me but when we are together "old [censored]" comes up. Yep, when he stayed in this house with me and the kids, NOTHING was expected of him. When he was taking another girl out on a Friday night (who happens to be a famous actress), I was distressed by that and that is what he is focusing on, that I had any feelings about his behavior.
You know what people? It is called cake eating and why wouldn't someone do it indefinitely? And like a child, you can cut them off and they do whatever they can to get it back. But, if you lure a WAS back with absolutely unsustainable behavior, if they happen to be spoiled narcissistic brats, they will expect that to sustain and the bar for you and what you get out of the relationship just sinks lower and lower.
So, do I get some kind of prize for staying married even though I'm on my own and my kids are growing up with a dad who comes and goes...am I setting a good example for my kids?
This is ridiculous. I have to create a life for myself and my kids and he just takes.
I don't even believe in divorce so that has made this quite a nightmare figuratively, logistically and spiritually. So, for me personally, to come to DB and get so much reinforcement to "save the marriage" and that I am basically becoming a WAW who will likely end up broke and alone...that was a real head-trap for me. To be fair, the majority of posters on here were awesome and encouraged me to cut him off and draw a hard line. It is the MWD stuff that I got tripped up on and the men here making comments on their threads about how scr*wed their wives would be without them. It saddened me that they would even want their wives to suffer or to stay with them out of fear or opportunism.
The notion that staying married is better has been a tough one to shake...of course it is better if...x,y and z.
I don't know. Maybe sometimes the evolution IS realizing that the WAS (the original one) may have problems and demons and issues that are beyond the LBS's power or expertise to reconcile.
