Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Piano]

How many hours are you up to now, BD?! Good on you! Why not aim for one week. See how it feels....
You know, I lost my mobile for a few days (actually I left it somewhere and coulda got it back but decided not to), and I felt so liberated! It made me feel...well, SAFE. No possible incoming bad news or stress from anyone. I've kept it off for all of today. And I think I will tomorrow... See where I am heading?
I think your line about you and bub being a 'package deal' was great! Until your baby is born, and certainly in the weeks that follow, it's certainly the case.

[AliSuddenly]

Hello babydoll,
I havent read all your sitch but the bit I have read.. wow.. you sound exactly like me. I didnt get pregnant, but the way your describe your R and the way H left, no good reason, so suddenly, was exactly what I experienced. We were also best friends and had no major, unfixable issues. He also could give me NO reasons, other than it was "the right thing for him" and he refused to discuss it. He also wouldnt ever give me an inch on offering reasons, as I would only then be strong and try and persuade him that whatever it was could be fixed and he should come back. He was adamant! He even used the phrases "I am 100% sure its over for good and I am never going to change my mind".. (we are now reconciled and engaged, so, well, hahaha to that hey!)

It sounds to me that the sudden reality of being a parent has clearly freaked him out and caused him to blow and I would say that that ISNT about you. You need to stop taking it personally (I know, so hard !!!!!). I also suggest you start posting on the Midlife crisis board, as thats what this sounds like it is.

Also, have you signed up for any db counselling?? I know its expensive but it was the biggest help to me of all, to negotiate how to handle bf whilst we were apart and also, my own feelings. I spoke with Jody and she was the best IC I spoke to during that time, as she had such a unique angle that other ICs dont have (her advice may seem counterintuitive to some IC's and was often in conflict with other advice I was getting from therapists). So, if you can find the money, I would book a couple of sessions.

I also want to give you some advice someone gave me early on... men in MLC are different to those who walk out because they have started an affair and get to a point where the pull of the ow outweighs the pull of the M, for whatever reason. Men in MLC leave because of deep seated childhood issues surfacing. Men in MLC need.. consistency. Be consistent with them. Be KIND. Also, the DBing advice of not always being available and turning down invitations doesnt really have any effect, it just exacebates their feelings of low self esteem and childhooh rejection, of not being heard. This is a simplistic view, but I would say you should rethink your stance to telling him you dont want him to be much involved with the baby and that you no longer like/love him as much, in order to 'entice' him to rethink the D. See how badly he reacted to that:

H wants to be involved with baby 100%. I said absolutely not. As for now, this day, this week, i need to 'fake it' and make him think this is how it will be. I can not show him that I will forgive him. Or that I will make it easy for him. H needs to see the repurcussions of his actions. I nall of this I truly feel he is dillusional and relies on the fact that I am a good person and care for him so much, that I would sacrifice my love and feelings to have him be a part of the baby's life! I was sooooo upset, H said 'you are so predicatable'. That was the final straw that made me see that I WAS JUST DOING EVERYTHING HE EXPECTED! The calls, the cries, the pleading, the fighting.... HELLO!!!!! It was like MWD was on my shoulder saying... told you so!

I would say loving, patient consistency would be a better approach..a reassuring prescence in his life. Men in MLC need a safe harbour to come home to and that isnt really what you are doing here. So, as long as you put NO pressure on him, dont place ANY expectations on him. Men in MLC are particularly sensitive to any perceived pressure and they typically withdraw to a safe haven and cut themselves off from you and friends.

My bf moved to a flat nearby and whilst he would contact and see me weekly he never gave me the address and it was 5 months before he gave me the phone number! he would come to my house 2/3 times a week eventually but never once in the 18 months did he invite me to where he lived. I NEVER once asked him for either, or to come see where he lived, I just acted as though this behaviour was normal. He also stopped phoning alot of his friends and generally became quite withdrawn.

My stance was to never initiatate contact (unless he had expressly offered for me to give him a call, given me his number, or asked me to email him to let him know how I had got on with x, or to make arrangements etc).. but I ALWAYS replied to his attempts to contact me and I never turned down an invite from him. I was consistent.

Good luck, Al x

[AliSuddenly]

Hello babydoll,

Sorry to clarify.. 4 months is not very long at all (read my sitch if you want to see where we were at around 4-6 months in!).. the point about not contacting him but always being there for him when he contacts you is...its about comfort levels. Your H has withdrawn and done this to protect himself. He has some sort of crisis in himself that impending fatherhood has bought to light (I am sure it sounds as though he has) and its NOT about you.

I would contact bf only when HE was comfortable with me contacting him, or seeking him out. I ALWAYS replied to his attempts to contact me and I never turned down an invite from him. I was consistently available. I also was very careful to 'match' him.. if he sent an email of a few lines, I sent one back in a similiar 'style'. If he wanted to keep chatting on the phone, I said I was free to talk... I matched his mood and was basically there for him, without placing expectations on him that he should be there for me.

It sounds awful when you describe it, like you are being a 'doormat' but you arent, what you are doing is.. RESPECTING his boundaries. Someone who chooses to leave us, has the right to and they also have the right to not want to see us. Just because we still love them and want to see us, doesnt give us the right to pursue them. We all have free will. If you still want him back as a partner, I would say do some more reading on men in MLC and maybe work on that forgiveness.. as that was the biggest thing I gave BF. Right from the start, I saw it that he had had some kind of breakdown and that therefore, none of it was really his fault, so I had forgiveness.

Although he gave me NO explanations at all before the bomb (when he started to withdraw from the R) during the bomb and the whole time we were apart... since getting back together he has told me "I had a breakdown, its like I went insane, I literally cant put my mind back into my mind then and fathom why I behaved the way I did". He also carried on as though normal, which is maddening hey?.. he worked hard at his job and spent time with family and made new friends (he even dated for 8 months, grrr!) but.. in fact, he was very very depressed the whole time and very unhappy he has since told me. Desperately unhappy.

The clue here is that he CRIED when you talked about the D. When my bf came to collect his stuff after telling me he was leaving me for good, he also broke down and cried. Dbers told me to just hug him and say, this is hard for you isnt it? And thats what I did.. he couldnt believe it. I said NOTHING about my own feelings, I was just there for him.. and thats the memory I left him with, when he left. And thats what counts. Not putting your emotions on them. Its soooo hard though, of course it is, but just try.

Things arent always what they seem. Sorry for long posts!! I feel your sitch has potential, good luck,
Al x

[Babydoll]

Ali, thank you so much for stopping by and your suggestions and comments... I truly appreciate it. I guess I need to read up more on the MLC threads... I love the DB rules, and although I have a hard time sticking to them, I also find that they dont exactly fit my H. I do find that when I distance myself or dont welcome him into my life, he withdraws even more and seems to just accept this awful circumstance. I just need to find the stregnth to let him in and then still have boundaries, or to meet his match, as you mentioned with your calls and emails, etc. Need to read up on it more.

"Men in MLC need a safe harbour to come home to and that isnt really what you are doing here."
funny you say that bc i feel like I am pushing him further away when I say no to baby things, NC of acting as if... etc. Am I wrong for thinking he is going to battle through... I am the kind of person, for example, that I would say let's try therapy and see what happens, because i need to know that I tried. That I covered all bases and always can look back and say I have no regrets. H is the type that accepts whatever is handed to him. In the past, i am the person in his life who picks him up and says you are too good for that and need to accept better and more in your life. and always pushed him to try. This time... I have no way to help. It seems to me that he does become extremely sad and depressed

i am now curious to read up on MLC. And I want to read up on your thread and see if I can steal pointers that worked for you in your sitch.

Last night I recieved a text with a picture of a baby outfit he bought... my heart melted... but i didnt write back. I felt like I was going against who i really was. Made me sad.

Am thinking need to be nice to H. Still have boundaries, and continue to detach. Also need to stopped pushing H out... but no pull him back in.

[gatsby11]

Hey BD, glad to see that things are fine with you. . . seems like AliSuddenly has some really great advice and experience. Going to check out her thread, too!

I also agree that everybody's situations and personal styles may require tweaking of DBing. I think that's fine-- you gotta do what you gotta do! I guess the phrase "do what works, don't do what doesn't" fits because it's vague enough.

[AliSuddenly]

I had endless discussions on my thread as to how to respond to EVERY text, email etc.. for months, until I got my legs and could walk alone and respond. So post here next time and ask peeps.

So.. "Last night I recieved a text with a picture of a baby outfit he bought... my heart melted... but i didnt write back. I felt like I was going against who i really was. Made me sad."

Ok, be yourself, stand up and say, I'm not going to play ball, and... you get D? OR, do whats counterintuitive and treat him as though he is somewhat ill (depressed) and not being himself, so be kind, show compassion (noone is saying this stuff is easy!! ITs like learning to speak in a whole new language).

So I would say, text back, light, airy, thank him for the picture and agree the outfit is lovely. Leave it at that. Or yuo could ask a question, to keep the convo going - as long as its about a neutral subject (so NOT about your R, your past, present or future R, that is a big no no).. say, you could ask hey where did you find that? Its lovely.

So nothing in your replies should ask him how he is feeling, put any pressure on him or raise any expectations of him. Not replying is also not helpful to your cause. Use every interaction as a way for him to see you as that safe harbour.

I got a one line text after he left me and had moved (I didnt know where to).. telling me he had terrible bowel trouble.. I responded with a joke about it and a suggestion of what might help.. he responded with a joke back.. and a thankyou...

..on and on it went, but I posted and got advice.. a one line text became a one line email by the end of the week and a suggestion to meet up... that went on for months. Then ow came in the middle, but the texts/emails started up again.. again I responded in kind, matched him in style/length/sentiment.. and

now we are engaged! But all of this IS a huge effort and it takes MONTHS.

Your H is responding like an MLCer. You need to show him compassion, kindness and consistency and place NO expectations on him. NO guilt trips. Dont put YOUR emotions onto him (or he will withdraw further/get angry) and biggest of all... resist at all costs ever referring to your R. Thats your past R, present R or future R. Never bring it up. If he does and wishes to talk.. do more listening than talking. So definetly DONT suggest going for MC.

You need to give him space. Thats what he wants right? Because he has left you, so as hard as it is, you have to respect that and give him the space he wants. That doesnt mean that you IGNORE him when he contacts you, quite the opposite, you need to make it SAFE for him to contact you - so always reply/respond and be gentle and non pressurising.

I realise you are pregnant so this is sooo hard, but I really hope you can try.
Al xxx

[Babydoll]

Im not sure DB will work for my H, or for me to get over H. The only resort I have left is to sign the papers, move on and forget him, if at all possible. I cant tippy toe around him and hope he is going through an emotional turmoil and will come around. Honestly, i may be wrong for saying this, but is it more hurtful and detremental to your relationship when H does this when the W is pregnant? How does that work? What does that have to save about selfishness?

I met someone who said she went through the same, where she married a guy and he got freaked out and left weeks after the baby was born and left. They got divorced. She said she he also did the same thing to his first wife... first thing that popped into my head was, WHY would you marry a guy who is capable of doing this to his first wife in the first place???

and then it hit me... am I not doing the same? or at least trying to? Trying to make a R work between me and H when I know he is fully capable of doing this to me over and over?

Maybe I am just better off w/o H. I've read so many success stories and peicing threads and great R advice, just dont feel like they fit in with my sitch.

I dont know Al, how were you able to forgive and take back you H? How did you ever trust him?

I dont think my H deserves that at all... not that it is an option?

I just feel like I am more alone in this battle than I ever was.

i dont know... what is the success rate of M that are saved through DB? Is it listed somewhere? or mentioned? Just curious...

But for me... this is a chapter that is over. Done. Finito.

[newmama]

BD since you are truly at a point where you would be fine with a divorce, then go ahead and file. I don't remember reading fears you have with being a single mom and raising your baby...that was one of my hang ups!

Just please report to us still after you give him the papers. Do you know how many times I wished I had gone through with the D in March 09? Time went on and my hope grew and then I didn't want S to be without a dad, then I felt like our marriage was interrupted but had hope for it still and thought WH might be temporary insane and figured he would have ended it with OW. All these thoughts made me hesitate and not want the D. But a clean break would have made this a lot easier. So if you want to, go ahead!

I am thinking other things but I won't say them at this time.

[Babydoll]

NM, H filed for D this march and I have the papers here... all i have to do is sign. He said he filed bc he was being asked by our families if he was serious or if we had hope, etc. Then i really pissed him off one weeken and days later he filed. Days after our ultrasound. he served me w them when i was in 2 weeks of NC, and was finally getting stregnth.

I dont have a choice in being scared of being alone or a single mom. I cry all of the time, and think raising a boy alone will be a hundred times harder than if I were having a girl. Sorry, i am very exciting about my son, but the fear is true. I havent slept since he left, cant sleep alone. in the end I dont have a choice.

maybe signing the papers will give me closure... as for him... he'd probably be ecstatic. What do i care what he wants. I dont believe in D. I will be divorced before even having a baby...

hard to believe 4 months ago, we were planning for this baby and our future.

i just believe its over. no hope. no going back. Going to speak with the attorney tomorrow.

maybe ending this will stop my heart from beating for him.

[Babydoll]

NM... say what you wanted to say!!! please!