The year of not my problem

[AJM]

I think I'm starting to get it. I have been holding to a sliver of hope that things could be different in the near future. As if I've been waiting around for her to come "rescue" me from this hell. Silly I know, but they are my feelings.

I need to figure out how to let go without becoming a bitter man and without becoming a hateful person. Still grabbing my balance on that one. Would be easier if we did not live together and if she did not lie so much. My expectations could be lower too I suppose.

I think yesterday was hard for me for a reason. I think my mind is making connections and feelings I have previously stowed away as detrimental to the process are now coming back to be dealt with. At least they are waiting in line and not rushing in all at once

Sadness was yesterday. I guess it has been there all along, but I don't know that I've given it enough attention. Like a small child that wants his father's attention, sadness has grabbed me by the cheeks and is vehemently demanding my attention. I'll give it.

I think what I've realized is just how crazy some of this has been. When she started pulling away, I think it was due to stress mostly. But as I look at it more closely I think that's only part of the picture. I think she is not only pulling away from me but from her parents and their ways. Things that she was doing in part because of her parents influence. I think this rebellion is part of that. I've felt it all along - I'm paying for the sins of another. And I've suspected it was her parents. But I think what happened is that as she couldn't deal with the stress, she began to find ways to get it off her back. I've felt that too - she needed to find a way to let go of the stress load and was willing to do whatever it took. I think she began to believe the thoughts put in her head about being selfish. And as she did that, it became more apparent that I was a problem. As she went down that path, she needed it to be my fault. I didn't give her that. So she began to re-remember our past to make it fit what she wanted. So desperately. I also believe there is another man in the picture. There have been a few, but I think that's part of the issue. That other man is providing some sort of emotional support that she felt she "couldn't" get at home. I think that growing up is also part of the reason she rebelled against me.
This has never been about me. It has never been my "fault". Just my burden to bear. But to be honest, I think it leaves me only one thing to really do - say goodbye. While it is not what I wanted, I did give it my all. Everything and then some. I'm depleted to say the least. But I can and will no longer be there for her. We cannot be friends as long as she continues to treat me badly. And she is continuing with the harsh words and the anger. She is spending more and more time with the other guy. I almost feel sorry for him I know how that will end eventually, but to be honest, that is not really my concern. I have a twinge of caring, but I don't think this is the time for that. This is the time to move on with my own life. To accept what is and to let it go. I need my house to sell or for her to move out to make that really sink in, but things are in need of change. I'm ready to begin the climb. I'm ready to keep swimming. I'm ready to see what is in store for my life. To explore.
I think the other issue I have is that "hope dope" fantasy of her coming back. She is not. She is dead as far as our relationship is concerned. Never came back and has been actively trying to get away from me for years. If that is what she needs, then so be it. I say goodbye for ever and will try to make my peace with it. That is my goal for now. To say goodbye and to leave it at that. To stop thinking she will come back. To stop thinking about her and the issues that she brought to our lives. I am slowly making peace with this. But it is taking time. I have years of emotions to work through. I'm going to do so.
One emotion at a time.
No crowding.
No pushing please.

There is so much to explore. I want it drink it all in....

AJ