i went through the stage where i couldn't eat, sleep, or think. i still have panic attacks. d-bomb was dropped in jan 2010. i did all the things i wasn't supposed to do - beg, cry, etc. h wasn't sure at first but said it was a likely option. he asked for space, i gave him space. during that time, he consulted with his bf (male), parents, and a crisis counsellor. when he asked for space, i went home to see family for a week. i came back and he said we had no choice but to d. at that moment, i was too numb to cry, beg, or plead. i just agreed. normally, the WAS gets kicked out of the master bedroom. i said i'd move out of the bedroom. i think my self-esteem was so shattered that i felt i didn't deserve to stay in the bedroom. i confined myself to a small guest bedroom and bathroom. i started GAL. we put our home up for sale in feb and it sold in march. we both moved out in april i've had NC with h since mid-april and the loneliness is creeping in.
we are both in a city with no family. the only family we had was each other. our marriage had its ups and downs but we never fought the way most d-bound couples do. i don't remember a single time where we constantly fought or yelled. it was something we never did. we would talk about issues as they came up.
many hurtful things have been said by h. i know the advice here is to not believe in 100% of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. the d-process really brings out the ugly in most people. and it beats you down. which is probably why i feel like settling or giving up. you start seeing a side of h that you never saw before. h threw temper tantrums like a child when it came to dividing the furniture. down to the point where he wouldn't even leave me with a set of pillows. six pillows in the house, he left me with 1. i didn't fight it. it is not my nature to be fighting over silly things. it's not because i am a doormat. but because i know that material things wouldn't make me happy. would it matter if i got everything? no. i lost the most dear thing to me. and that was my h. my best friend.
after he moved out, i went back to the house to pack up my remaining belongings. he had left two pillows behind. i texted him to ask if he had forgot it. he said no. i figure you'd want a set.
like i said, we never fought the way most d-bound couples do. there was never any constant fighting. and i learned that when h hurled hurtful things at me, it was he felt the d law was being unfair to him. he had never said things like that to me during our marriage.
i was out with friends the other night, and they were talking about various issues they had with their h. and i just suddenly blurted out that i don't have issues like that between my h and m. and look where i ended up?
friends are wondering why we are still talking and during our last month together, we would occasionally do nice things for one another. we were not the typical d couple.
i'm really hurting because the process is testing my morals. forcing me to fight over our possessions so i don't walk away with nothing. when we disagree over the possessions, it feels like i'm losing hope in saving my m. am i settling? i've kept my composure throughout the entire ordeal. i don't want to look back and have any regrets on how i behaved or things i've said. i know that once things have been said, you can't take it back. i'm not trying to be a martyr. my goal is to make sure i am happy with who i am and handle this in a mature and respectable way.
but i want my h to FIL with me again. at least, my bf back.
sorry for hijacking the thread. i started writing. and couldn't stop. i just want to be heard. i haven't had a serious discussion with h about how i feel about the whole thing yet because we hadn't had time to cool off yet - we just physically separated. i want some sound advice. i get enough bad advice from friends already. i know it's easy to walk away because no children are involved. but so what? it doesn't it any easier.
