Hi:-) I began posting a few days ago on "We're Seperated- Now What?" My topic was "My husband hates [my] guts and wants to live single." I definately believe my husband (age 37) is going through a MLC after reading quite a bit on the subject over the weekend.
-He is suddenly a different person, throwing all his morals, previous goals, responsibilities, marriage of 9 years (11 years together) out the door.
-He bought a race car and began racing a few months ago. All of his extra money and time goes into working on the race car.
-He started hanging out with a much younger crowd (18,19,20 year-olds). (Before, he was happier spending time with his wife and kids, but now he never wants to spend time with us.)
-He lost his job and is happy to sit home living off of unemployment checks. (He had previously been a very dedicated worker who took pride in providing a good income for his family.)
-He was so upset with his graying hair he dyed it.
-In February, my husband got a big, expensive tattoo across his back (not something he'd ever expressed interest in before).
-After 11 years together, he wants nothing to do with me and will not even consider us getting back together now that we are living separately. He is so angry and resentful toward me even though he is the one who wanted the separation, blaming me for our "hellish" marriage. I am nice and in no way displaying any kind of anger or spitefulness, but he continues to be very nasty toward me during any contact.
-Now that we are separated, my husband says he wants to pursue other women to see if I'm really what he wants and if his feelings for me will change ("I love you, but not IN love with you).
All of this is breaking my heart into pieces. I am wondering where in the world my husband has went, and will he ever return. I miss him. I love him with all my heart and can't understand why he hates me so much. Our marriage had a lot of tension, especially since he announced to me in November 2009 that he felt he wasn't in love with me anymore. My husband had agreed to stay with me and work on our marriage, but I sabotaged that with my desperate, needy, clingy behavior in reaction to knowing our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I drove him crazy with constantly wanting to talk about our problems, and asking him if there was another woman, or why didn't he love me anymore, how could I win his love back, can't we just be happy and forget about even considering divorce. Every time he wanted to go out with his friends, I wanted to go or questioned him when he came back home. I realize now that I drove my husband further away with my desperate behavior.
Now, he says he can't stand to be around me, hates me, and I won't give him some time and space to figure out if he can ever be in love with me again. He still maintains he loves and cares about me, but he doesn't love me like he should his wife anymore. He feels that if we reconcile he will just be miserable. I am wondering if there is any hope in saving my marriage when he feels like this. How do I get him past the anger and resentment and blaming of me for everything bad in his life? He is so cold and non-receptive to me right now, even though I am being nice. How do I win him back if he starts seeing other women?
I can't believe this is happening to us. We were so in love not too long ago, raising our three beautiful children. Now, he is so unhappy with me and our marriage, he has broken up our family and doesn't seem to care at all. Any advice on how to handle my husband's erratic, hostile behavior and how to save my marriage? Thank you in advance:-)
I am 33. Husband is 37. Three children (boys)- ages 13, 10, and 9 "I love you but not IN love with you."- Nov. 2009 Physically (not legally, though) separated- April 8, 2010
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
DBing is not about winning your spouse back, but more for helping you through the process. There are no guarantees that your spouse will return, but you have to understand....his journey is not your fault. His journey is about him, his childhood issues and returning to the place in his early life whereby he was emotionally stunted. You cannot fix him.
Your journey is about rediscovering you. Yes, you are very upset and want your spouse back, but you do not want him the way he is now and will be if he is in crisis. Take this time to breathe, find yourself and do the things that you've put on the back burner for so long. Take this time to get back in touch w/family and friends. Pamper yourself.
Read as much as you can about mlc. Do not pursue, beg or cry for him to return. Give him all of the space that he can choke on and above all else.....protect your assets and you may even want to consider getting a separate account if he is spending money. Also, remove your name from the joint credit cards. If you don't, you will be liable for the payments if he isn't able to make them.
Take care of yourself...you are the real adult in this situation and your children will need you now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to this board, Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. Have you read the resources? I would start with the detach link.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present! _________________________
Relay, "How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?" YOU can't. Not really. The only thing YOU can do is let go and let God. Take care of you and YOUR life. You can not change his mind. You cannot convice him. You cannot control him and what he is doing or what he is going to do. It is not possible so, let it go.
If your lucky in time, your marriage will be saved. Just don't do all the wrong things like so many of us have and cause more damage to you and your marriage than necessary. Hold your head up. Do what is right for YOU. Do not destroy who you are and what your about. Don't give in. Don't allow H to drag you into the MLC hole. Pray every day.
Last edited by old theotherhalf; 05/02/1012:08 PM.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
I am wondering if there is any hope in saving my marriage when he feels like this. How do I get him past the anger and resentment and blaming of me for everything bad in his life?
The only hope you have is to grant him what he wishes. Give him all that he is asking. Let him go. You have no other option. Anything else will drive him all the way.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
I went over to the other forum to read your thread and from my point of view, you should never have left your home. He was the one that wanted to explore his freedom and he should have been the one to move out or he could have slept in the same room, a different room, etc. The courts will look at your departure as abandonment. He has had every advantage handed to him, your moving out, the children a living w/him, etc. The court will frown upon your leaving...they do not recognize MLC.
You've got to also get a handle on your "control" issues. It's not easy, but you've got to let him go completely so that he can find himself. What were his parents like?
I am sorry for your need to be here but you found the right place.
The road will get easier when you listen to the advice given here. Everyone has been where you are. The advice may seem hard to do or counterintuitive but you find it is the only way through.
The pain is actually our friend it pushes us always in the right direction. This is very hard stuff but you can make it since you have already shown the courage to be here.
Your first and hardest step is to detach. You must do this. It is the hardest part I have done so far but once you do it you will be in a much better place for YOU, Your children and your M.
As Snodderly said this process is about YOU. Take care of YOU and do for YOU.
YOU are the stronger one here so you see why this won't work if you're not.
What is the status of your communications with H?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I have discovered two seperate affairs my husband has been having for months now. He is apparently in love with the 19 year-old girl and has been having a PA with her since at least January. (He did not tell me any of this and does not know I know, I found a secret MySpace account...) I am in total shock about this relationship. The 19 year-old is my husband's nephew's fiance!!! She and my husband's nephew have a one year-old together! Wow...
The man I married would NEVER have done such a thing. He worked so hard to get a better relationship with his family because he felt it was important for our kids to know their aunts and uncles, etc. Now he betrays his brother, his nephew, his wife, his kids... not to mention how disgusted and disappointed the rest of the family will be if they ever discover the affair. And this girl...oh my goodness...she's very obnoxiouis, immature...
I am shocked, confused, and so hurt. Why is he doing this? How can he be so shallow, selfish, destructive...STUPID? I am at a loss as to what to do next...
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
I am sorry to hear that. My suggestion for now is to read everything that has been given to you here.
You must undetsand very quickly that all this stuff he is doing he is doing because he feels extreme conflict and pain inside. His choices are not about you and you cannot control them. He will blame you and use a lot of other excuses for his choices and he will look a lot of different places to find solace (19 y/o) but until he begins to look within he will be in the tunnel of MLC.
You have to take care of you and your family. The best way to do that is to detach from him. Here is the link:
You have to let him go for now. I don't mean give up on him, or your M that is not what detachment is. It is a healthy place for you to weather the storm.
As an LBS you are probably feeling the lowest you have ever felt in your life. It is a huge blow to your self esteem and sends you into a tailspin. What we tell you here works and it is the only path that works.
We have all stood where you stand right now.
You are not alone...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I read your other thread. First of all, run, don't walk back to your house. It was a huge mistake to leave your home and could cost you custody of your children in the future should your H decide to file. I wouldn't call him about it. I would find a time when you know he is not there and move back. If you are worried about his reaction, take your sister. If you don't want to share a room, find another one. When he gets back simply, calmly explain that you realized that it was a mistake to move out of your home and your children need you. He will be angry. Don't engage in it. This is about your children. Of course, if he is abusive in anyway, take you kids with you and go to a shelter. They will help from there.
I would also print out whatever you've found on myspace. Don't share it with him just yet but you may need it later. If you don't have hard copies, they will just delete the incriminating posts and call you crazy which we all know you are not.
As for needing to support yourself alone if he leaves, he will still be on the hook for family expenses. Leaving does not excuse him from his responsibilities. Seek some legal advice. Don't tell him about this. He will see it as a sign you want to D.
Finally, don't lose hope. What you're going through is pretty typical. Even though it doesn't seem that way to you. Read the websites above, get the DB book. I always recommend Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue. It goes really well with DB and has great communication techniques. Best of all, just like DB, it can be done without your spouses help or knowledge.
Remember that when a man loses his job, it is devastating to his self esteem. Some react like your husband has. You have to remember that it's a phase but it could last a while. Just continue to GAL and detach. That will help you keep some sanity in his craziness.
