The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Wow. Wide range of emotions between last night and this morning.

STBXW stopped by to have D11 try some boots on for a Wednesday night talent show.

I was disgusted by her yesterday. The fact she'd rather hang out at biker bars or at biker retreats with her best friend rather than be with me.

My apologies to the ladies on here because I'm going to sound insensitive, but there has always been a trailer trash feeling to her family.

I thought STBXW wanted better, but my feeling last night was she wanted to go places where she feels superior -- the big city career woman hanging out with the townies.

Then I woke up this morning feeling really sad for the girls.

In the past year they've done remarkably well with the splitup. They've taken to my place and it doesn't feel so strange anymore.

But I know they feel poor.

That part is going to get worse.

In a couple of couple of weeks the family home will go on the market. That's traumatizing. I had to go through that three times growing up. Twice it was because we were moving as a family to a better place and it sucked. The third time it was because our family was breaking up and that really sucked.

These are the kind of hurts -- loss of attachment, memories -- that get buried until you don't realize they are hurting you in other ways.

STBXW has been taking them to open houses, which mystifies me. The house has no equity. It'll be a short sale. So she'll have that strike against her on her credit. The only way she'd be able to do it is if her MIL gave her 10 percent or more on the downpayment.

I'm not sure MIL is in that good of financial shape anymore.

Of course, I'm torn. I want STBXW to suffer and have to go find an apartment like I had to. But that would mean likely no pets. So the family dog, cat and gerbils would go off to the MIL house.

But who does that really hurt? D11 and D7. They've had a good childhood. They have so much pain in front of them.

I'm feeling guilty this morning that I don't make enough to make sure they can stay in the house. Part of me wishes I could just call and say, 'you know what, I'll pay this, this and this.'

But that would leave me penniless and bitter and that would become a barrier between us.

So right now if I had a choice I still would move home to make the best of things for the girls.

But the truth is the person I thought I married doesn't exist and I hate the person I'm about to divorce.