I do wonder whether your H is very confused now about OW and how she ping pongs about. He may yet make the decision for himself.....
Reading about your conversation in the garden he was reflecting on what he would have to give up and the potentuial fall out from another affair with OW. His decisoin. His consequences.
Praying hard for you both that he may see the true light.
Just got a call from OW's H telling me that his wife announced that the affair with my H is back on and that she has decided that's what she wants after all and that she will be leaving her H again.
What a mess!!
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Now what...do I confront him about it...do I wait for him to tell me? I can't take anymore of this. The way he's been playing with my emotions is cruel. This was the second time he wanted to R. And each time it lasts couple of weeks and the affair is back on.
This time you'll need to confront him, if only to CONFIRM what you were told.....and to let him know where you stand. He is apparently WEAK.
This has happened MORE than once, so confrontation is in order to stop him from eating cake. He cannot have BOTH of you at his disposal. He also has to know and understand you are NOT his safety net every time OW breaks it off with him; that there is a limit to what you can take.
I'm sorry, but shutting him totally out after making it clear you will not tolerate this again until he is more clear about what he wants may be what it takes to turn him around....although it is OW's doing, it is also HIS fault for being so weak.
Just my two cents.. I've NEVER had to deal with a second time, but I know I would NOT and could NOT do it again.
Confirm it, though, before you do anything.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
CW, Libby & HB - Thank you for you support and advice.
I've been crying my eyes out, rereading my posts from the last month...thinking about conversations with H...how could he be this cruel...how could he bring his laundry here leading me on that he wants to R while he is already in contact again with OW. Or asks me to get him groceries...or the present for his dad?
I'm such an idiot to let him pull me back in his mess again, I was doing quite well with detachment before.
HB - he is cake eating...isn't he. When you say to shut him out. Do you mean go dark? How can I do that when we run business together and have to work as partners....
I have to pull myself together....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I am very sorry to read that the ow is back in the picture (again). Now, you must do what you can to pull yourself together for you will need to detach as quickly as possible from his drama.
You are in business w/him, which makes it very difficult to shut him out. What you need to do is make him stand on his own two feet. Do not do any more things for him, i.e., grocery shopping, gift purchasing and his laundry....time for him to go elsewhere. You are not his mother. He will never understand what it is like to stand on his own two feet if he has you to fall back on. Stop doing these things for him!
As for the business, keep your conversations and concerns on the business. Treat him as a business partner and nothing more. If you confront him, be calm and your voice level, just as if you were speaking to a business partner. I do not know how he would take the confrontation, but if you do it, be prepared for him to swing either way...many instances, they run back to the op. I do hope he's far enough along to realize what he will lose if he chooses her.
Wipe your tears away, stand up straight and do what is necessary, i.e., cut the apron string and tell your child/man that you will no longer be available to accommodate his every need his creature comforts. He needs to start fending for himself.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As you know, I am not in a good place to give advice yet either but you hang in there...go back to what you were doing, detach again (yeah, I know, easier said than done) do for Mila!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
HB - he is cake eating...isn't he. When you say to shut him out. Do you mean go dark? How can I do that when we run business together and have to work as partners....
Yes, he's CakeEating, cycling, and it must cease, or he stands to lose you totally. This cannot continue.
Remember, mine never left home nor moved out during his crisis. When he was trying to get rid of OW, after confronting him, and got a handle on my feelings, I totally distanced myself from him until I KNEW she was gone, it wasn't easy for me BUT.....it CAN be done. You can deal with him in a totally detached way in the order of business, but your attitude needs to be VERY distant with him. Emotionally, you will need to shut him out, AFTER confronting him. Not easy, but it CAN BE DONE.
He has to know this is NOT acceptable to you, will NOT be acceptable to you, and he has made a very serious mistake by not only giving in to the OW again, but LYING to you by omission, comission, and the list goes on.
After confronting him, gather your strength to distance yourself totally from him; effectively putting the ball in his court.
Mila, you're NOT an idiot, at least you were paying attention to your intuition.
The signals are not always clear, but you KNEW/KNOW your husband better than anyone, and I did say on the alt that if something was up, you would KNOW.
As hard as it is, you will have to put your own feelings aside after the confrontation in order to deal with him on the business end of it.
I'm really sorry, Mila.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Snodderly - Thank you so much for stopping by, I've been reading lots of your postings. I sure could use your advice. If I go back to just business partner...I still feel that he is cake eating. Everything will be running smoothly for him, just as before...with OW on the side.
HB - your advice makes lots of sense...He is weak and he jumps every time the OW whistles. I know that I can't leave things as they are for long. I'm pretty sure that he knows that I know, because he knows that the OW's H is in contact with me.
I will cool off and collect and feel things out more before I confront him. I don't want to do it when I'm so out of balance either.
CW - thank you for your support - yeah back to detachment....How many times am I going to let him kick me in the gut.
Before the last fake R, I was really doing pretty good, standing and being his friend & business partner...I didn't do any favors for him then and he didn't ask. I was actually shocked when he announced that the affair was over and really tried to keep detached and see what happens. But the way he was talking and behaving he really gave me hope that he's finally finding his way home. Gradually I started to do more wifely things for him and he was doing nice things for me too.
His behavior changed slightly in the last week or so and I sensed it (that's apparently when he started communicating with OW again). What really upsets me is that knowing that he is in contact with her he would still ask me to get his dad's present and come to that birthday dinner today as a family. We even wrote a B-day card to his dad from all of us. How can I even look at him and pretend that everything is OK tonight. I don't want talk to him before I'm ready and spoil his dad's b-day.
I'm hoping that he is still wavering and maybe, just maybe he is still thinking which way to go. Maybe I should give him little bit more time to figure it out and not force a confrontation. I don't know.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, If you are not sure about which way to turn, then do nothing at this time. Today is not the day to confront him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
