it feels like a runaway train and you are unable to stop it. i am hurting so much right now. we just physically separated and i feel like an addict in need of a hit. i can't sit still and i can't think straight. i do feel paralyzed by the fear of divorce.
it's funny. i have no kids. i am able to support myself. i have a nicely furnished apartment with things i bought with my own money - i have received no money from our separation agreement yet.
i miss the companionship
my sitch is very weird. when h dropped the d-bomb, i left our bedroom. i figure i'd give him space. most LBS would have kicked the WAS out. i didn't. most WAS drop the d-bomb and really just want to walk away. my h? didn't just walk away. h wanted to walk away with the lion share of our assets. h tried to make up his own rules for dividing the household goods - so that he could walk away with the best of what we had.
i was too tired to fight over dishes, cutlery, and the toaster. those things didn't matter to me. they were material things that did not contribute to my happiness.
it almost seems like i'm the WAS.
i don't know what h is thinking. but i wish i could tell him how hurt and betrayed i feel. i've tried to behave respectfully throughout my journey so far.
i know some might be thinking that i was a doormat but it got to a point where i was almost arguing with a child. h threw temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. i can't talk to a person who is acting that way. i'd never get through to him.
i stayed calm and walked away with what i needed. nothing more.
i don't want to look back and have regrets or embarrassing moments where i say "i was so stupid, i shouldn't have said or did that. what was i thinking?"
i don't mean to hijack this thread. but it just triggered something in me. i'm skeptical about db-ing. i don't think it's about saving a marriage. it's about saving yourself from being paralyzed by fear.
i'm not afraid. i just want to know how to really save my marriage.
