I think that staying positive and upbeat is the key. I have to try really hard to not come off as sarcastic (something I can slip into very easily) and be really genuine (which is really how I feel).
School is out for the semster on Monday, I'll have more time to be around the house and get to all those things I've been meaning to or put off.
I guess the key here is consistancy and determination, both for my R and the betterment of myself. She will be skeptical of my behavior for awhile and rightfully so, it's up to me to show I can be consistant and positive, even in the face of her doubt and mis-trust.
Another aspect that troubles me is that she is talking alit with her brother (who lives out of state and where she wants to move). He and I have always got along great but he is her little brother and very protective of his sister (I am the same way with my older sister).
I know there are several posts on the forums about well intentioned friends, I assume that goes for family memebers as well.
I can't blame him for wanting to protect his family, especially since I have done things and more importantly NOT done things that have hurt his little sister.
Should I reach out to him? Should I tell him I am trying to work on myself? If I don't does that fuel the fire that maybe I don't care about the R anymore?
I know that her family wants us to be together & happy ultimatly but I don't know what they are telling her now. I k ow I need to stay out of it and focus on bettering myself. It's pretty tough to just let it go.
I have been reading alot of other threads and I see all the advice eveyone is giving, thanks again to everyone that has taken a moment to respond to my sitch. Please keep it coming, I can really use the advice and encouragement.
The TOUGHEST part for me was leaving my W alone when the divorce discussions started. As a dude, I wanted to talk about it and SOLVE it. Women need a lot more time to think and feel about it. For the most part, they seem to want us OUT of their presence while they are doing that.
There are several on this message board that are many months (or more) into their situation.
The front end is always the hardest time to have patience on your part. You are in crisis, and your W has had more time to think about this than you've had time to react to it.
Very true glimmerman, it's very much in my nature to want to address things and try and solve them (never works I'm realizing), it's a real leap of faith for me to live outside my comfort zone (no matter how wrong it is) and leave her alone in this time of crisis. I am really trying to focus on remembering the things she has been saying and asking of me and really listening to those requests. I feel so stupid for ignoring them for so long. She wasn't just asking those things to hear herself talk, those were heartfelt requests to better the way we interacted. I wish I could tell her that I realize that now. It sucks to have to wait and be silent, but I know it's unfortunatly the only way to approach it now.
Really thought about all the things that I could attribute to my behavior that has damaged my M. I made this list of some behaviors that I think have really hurt her/us. I don't plan on sharing this list with her, instead using it as a guidline for 180s/what not to do any more.
I apologize in advance for the length,
Poor communicator Never really listened to you Never paid attention to unspoken signals Don't know your LL, can't effectively show love, don't even know my LL Selfish with my time and attention Sacrificed other things to make up for lack of fullfilling your needs (less of the man of the house/ bred some resintment) Selfishness caused friction around our (your) friends=embarassing for you
any thought on these points? I am in no way trying to self diagnose myself, just trying to understand how I got in this mess. Thanks.
I'm not in a position to offer any advice - my sitch is just over a week old, and it's not going very well from where I'm sitting.
But as you said to me, there does look to be a lot of similarities, so my heart goes out to you and I'll be thinking of you in my spare moments (which are plentiful!).
The only thing I will say from your last post is that you seem to be doing what I'm doing - Over thinking EVERYTHING. I've been going back through our relationship, searching under every stone, desperate to find some kind of rosetta stone that explains everything.... I'm starting to think it's not there, and if I do too much thinking, I'll end up blaming the entire thing on that one night I did something mildly wrong 4 years ago.
I know it's hard, but don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy, OK?
Stay strong mate.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Not much talking tonight but she did fi d the book I got for her, read it and thanked me for it. Not a huge thing but a nice interchange none the less.
Keeping my head down, my eyes focused and my heart open.
Well, I went to the pub for the game this morning. Came home and cleaned more around the house. Then she came in and asked about how we are going to split up our important documents. I know I shouldn't have been surprised but it was hurtfull to an extent. It hasn't even been a week so I am not naive enough to think my effort could impact anyone yet but I just have to keep my mental state sharp. People here are dealing with this for weeks and t isn't over ntil it's over. Just feeling down and not optimistic right now.
