Completely Blindsided

[blind]

OK....

... I found this place from a google search, and have tried to look around at other's stories for the last day or so now...

Look, I'm really surprised to be here... but any voice I can get that helps... well, you know.


I've had the perfect marriage. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We met in Aus, but when her visa was up, I followed her to the UK where we wed and lived together.

I was happy, she was happy... WE were happy.

We'd planned on moving back here, and decided this year was the time to do it.

I come first, getting things set up, while we wait for her visa and the settling up of our things over there.

That was 6 weeks ago. 2 days ago she said that a week ago she cheated on me with 'some guy from work' after going out for work drinks.... beyond that, she's said that she's realised that she doesn't miss me and doesn't want to work at our relationship, and goodbye.

.... when she told me, I panicked.... but then became instantly calm. Look, the thing is, we've never argued. We've never really even bickered. We've loved each other so much... when I left, and for the fist few weeks I was away, she professed undying love and how much she misses me.

She's also known that I hate cheating... had an ex gf do it to me, and I really hate it. She's said she's done it so that I wouldn't try and fight for us.

The thing is... when I became calm, I knew this, and instantly started fighting for us. I know she still loves me, and I love her some amazingly and completely.... I will do anything to get her back by my side.

But it's just such a character change. I don't get it, and a lot of me doesn't believe it.

She's citing things like me being 'always unhappy' and 'unable to lose weight' (I'm mildly overweight, but it's going fast) as the reasons... and that's what also sticks out as hard to understand... going from very happy to mild problems being enough to call it quits?

I agree with the issues, and have told her that I want to work on my character flaws - I've lost nearly 2 stone in these last 6 weeks (pulling me down to a muscular 15stone)... and the other things I've gone through and talked about ways to work on them... with her help.

I... I just don't fully understand what's happened. I had NO IDEA she was unhappy. I had no idea that she would ever do something like this, always saying that divorce is not an option, and she would always work at any problems that would come up.

I'm trying to talk to her daily... well, it's been 2 days now, so not the longest time. She's been talking to me, and saying that she's confused, and at least what I've had to say to her (including instantly understanding the cheating and forgiving her for it) has made her think.... and she needs time to think without me 'confusing her more'.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Can anyone tell me of a similar experience? This rapid personality change? I want to save my marriage so badly... I'm just feeling very powerless... especially as thanks to volcanic ash, I can't afford to go back there at the moment!... and she's told me not to come even if I could because she doesn't want me there confusing her.

If someone can... please help. I know I sound cliche`d, but she means the world to me... I really feel like she's a part of my soul, and I can't imagine a life without her...and I don't want to.

So yeah... hi board.

Little help?

[ninelives]

Hey Blind:

Sorry to hear this all too familiar tale. Believe me, you are not alone. There are countless sitches just like yours and i know how much you are hurting right now but again believe me, it does get better.

My wife wanted out in December and i could not eat, watch tv, work or sleep for a long time. Thought i would not ever feel good again but eventaully,, through intense pain, it gets better.

Still hurts but it is manageable. You will get lots of good advice here and most of it will sound like the exact opposite of what you feel, but apparently, sometimes it works.

There are a few absolutes that you should not do. Right near the top is to persue and profess undying love. She is going through something that you cant understand and what she doesn`t want right now is input from you on how she should feel. She probalby doesn`t know.

My w changes her miind almost weekly but the contstant is that she doesn`t know how to work on the marriage.

Above all you must be patient. Hardest thing is that many of us want our wives back soooo badly that we don`t think we can wait out the pain and do counterproductive things.

You have lost weight and that is good because all you can control is yourself. I also lost 40 lbs and try and be the best YOU that is possible. It is unfortunate that you are so far apart so her seeing the changes will be difficult but it sounds like you want to get back to the uk.

Cheers and you will make it one day at a time because thats the only choice you have.

9

[Puppy Dog Tails]

. . .and I love her some amazingly and completely.... I will do anything to get her back by my side.

. . . and as long as she knows this, and this is what you are projecting, you will never, ever get her back.

Read "Co-Dependent No More," and everything else you can on co-dependency. It is not emotionally healthy to NEED someone.

I'm sorry, but it would appear that your wife maybe used you to get her visa situation squared away? I strongly suspect that if you check, she didn't just cheat with this guy two days ago.

Puppy

[blind]

Thanks ninelives, nice to know I'm not completely alone in this... in some ways. I hate to think that there are other people going through the same thing... So damn much pain.

[quote=blind]

. . . and as long as she knows this, and this is what you are projecting, you will never, ever get her back.

You know puppy, initially I would have told you just how wrong you are.... but then I don't know what right is... and after our chat this morning (4th time since the bomb dropped) I knew that you're right.

From what I can tell, she's going through an early mid life crisis - says she is still in love with me, but likes the feeling of going somewhere and not having a time to come home by (not that I ever was controlling or oppressive of where she could go or when... the opposite in fact!).... she likes the idea of going out and partying etc.

The thing is, a lot of the 'going out and seeing people' comes from what WE SET IN PLACE... we knew that she'd get lonely, so we arranged for lots of people to keep her busy. I'm hoping that what will happen is she will spend a week or two doing this before realising how lonely that lifestyle is.

... either way, I know that I've got to focus on me.

I've taken her points on board, but even regardless of that, if she does end up leaving me, I need to make sure I'm a complete and whole person - not that I'm NOT currently, but all of my plans and goals are intertwined with OUR plans and goals... and I need to get myself into a place where it won't matter either way.

Oh, and it's definitely not the visa issue. She's planning on not coming here at all now...

I don't want to lose her, and she is still willing to talk to me (planned on saying 1 week, but changed her mind to 2 days... so that's something... I think)... so there's still some kind of hope... but she's made it very clear that she doesn't think I will ever be able to change.

[Onthemountaintop]

"but she's made it very clear that she doesn't think I will ever be able to change."

So prove her wrong~

[Tattoo_you]

Hey blind,

sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a bit of "panic mode" right now as well. I've been saying all the same things that you are saying, "I will do anything to keep her...etc" it's really hard to find balance between trying to better yourself for you and still holding on to the fight for your marriage. I've only been on this site for about a day and I have already recieved so much great advice and encouragement. I'll put some good thoughts out there for you.

[sandi2]

I found this place from a google search, and have tried to look around at other's stories for the last day or so now...

Were you able to see a common thread that ran throughout the stories?

I had NO IDEA she was unhappy

Have you read the article by Michele on this website about the WAW? You need to do that.

I agree with the issues, and have told her that I want to work on my character flaws -

So she has convinced you that this is all your fault? She didn't decide in a few days that you were overweight and not very happy, therefore using those excuses as grounds for D.

She is a bad girl, Blind! She is going to play games with you if you don't stop it right now.

[blind]

Onthemountaintop - I'm trying. I'm doing everything I can to turn myself around and show that I can listen to her needs. It is a struggle, because I know without her I may fall apart, but I'm using that as the driving force atm.

Tattoo_you- Thanks for the good thoughts. I've started reading your sitch and it looks like there are some pretty strong parallels going on there. I'm trying to deal with the situation as best as I can, but then it's hard with her on the other side of the planet... plus she's only willing to talk to me on the phone once a week... so I'm going a little insane at the moment, trying to keep busy in a town where I don't know many people any more and trying to get myself moving despite my emotions. It's been a trial. My heart goes out to you as well.

Sandi2 - There are some common threads through the stories. The thing that is hitting me the most is that she never voiced anything. I've read through the article on WAW, and the thing it keeps coming back to is nagging, even about unrelated subjects. My wife never did. She never nagged, we didn't argue, we rarely disagreed. We seemed to be on the same page with so much... I literally never saw this coming. I wish she had said something, I wish she had gotten upset about the little things and vented them at me. But she says she was too worried about upsetting me and so never did.

I'm not convinced it's 100% my fault... but I feel like a lot of it is. I also feel like I'm powerless in so many ways in this sitch. I can't talk to her, I can't see her... what I can control is myself. If I can work on me, I can at least say that I tried EVERYTHING if she does go ahead.

I hope you're wrong, I hope she won't play games with me... but I don't know what else I can do. We've got the distance. I'm trying a bit of a 180, and I'm really getting out there trying to GAL.

-I've now got my Learners license and am pushing ahead with lessons when I get paid.
-I have a new job, starting Monday
-I have started going to a counsiler, first face to face is Friday.
-I have started ballroom lessons.
-I have lost over 15KG in the 6-7 weeks I've been here, and dropping.
-I am seeing people every day, trying to get out, go to dinners, birthday drinks, work do's, anything I can to keep busy and try to stay positive.

But last time I spoke to her we began talking terms.

I speak to her next on Weds, and I can only hope that she's missed me even a little in this last week. If she hasn't, I'll just have to keep going and try harder.

It all feels really petty, you know? The small goals seem pointless. "Hey, I've lost my wife, but have you seen this second hand POS car I just bought?". I'm still pushing ahead with them, but it's hard to keep a sense of perspective from butting in.

[blind]

First day at the new job.

I honestly had myself convinced that a mindless data entry role would distract me enough that I wouldn't have time to fixate on every little thing..

... wow... I'm an idiot.

If anything, I had MORE time.

I think also the fact it's been nearly a week since I've heard from her is driving me insane. It's the longest we've not talked in 7 years.

I'm torn on what to do.

Tomorrow night there's a show on that we usually watch together. If i watch it, we'll have something to talk about.... or I could go to another ballroom lesson. I went last week, had a girl hit on me, and felt like dirt because of it.

Went to a friend's b'day on the weekend and ate my first real meal in a week... wow, that sucked. Pain in many ways.

There was a friend of a friend there looking to hook up, and my female friend offered her my number when she was asking if she knew any single guys.... that hurt too. I'm not single. I'm separated. I don't want to be single. I was a terrible single person. And I love my wife too much to even look at someone else.

I agreed at the party to go to dinner with my friend during the week for a mate's work leaving thing (I'm just trying to get out of the house)... I've now found out that I'm supposed to be going as someone's date!! I don't want to be alone in the house running my mind in circles, but that's really going too far.

36 hrs or so till I talk to her... and I get the feeling that nothing will have changed... for the better, and maybe some things for the worse.

I've read up on all the divorce busting stuff, but it all seems like things you do when your partner is THERE, or at least close by. How do I deal with her an entire literal world away?

Feeling down today.

[blind]

Day two and it's not different to day 1.

I'm missing her like crazy... and I'm getting really worked up about our phone call tomorrow. I'm worried that everything hinges on every time we speak, and I've got no idea how to approach her.

I'll be staying home tonight I think... It's pelting down a storm, and I can always go on Thursday instead.

Any more thoughts/words of wisdom? Very welcome if they're around.

I manage to stay upbeat and ignore that there's anything wrong... hammer out the work and be pleasant to my new co-workers... but I'm getting home and collapsing. All of the pent up emotions of the day just seem to come crashing down hard.

Little help?