N8:She also said that there's a danger that he could continue to engage in blaming. Things won't change for us unless both of us are willing to work on change.
Listen to this as you make your plans for the next year.
I also think you should not underestimate the "grass is greener" draw. New woman will make all pain go away without me doing anything to work on my own issues! New woman will have no problems, or less, and bring "happiness." Your H's chronic job dissatisfaction and life dissatisfaction sounds like they have been long term with all the job switching. When stuff was better between you two, did you distract him from that reality? And then when your mom died, did you stop helping distracting him with "love" from his life and career dissatisfaction? He may just want a new distraction if he's not going to deal with that.
Who knows about this guy? He's impulsive and prone to whims, so there's no guessing what might appeal to him at any given moment.
It's possible that when things were good I distracted him from the other reality of life. That's something to think about.
However, when I listen to what he says about me, it's hard not to get into that pattern, too.
When you are in that pattern, how do you feel about yourself? Are you proud of your actions? I'm guessing no. I found that I can't keep myself from getting dragging in at the slightest body language or tone thrown at me.
Did he say anything to you about the moving out thing or did he rush over last Monday to take more things?
However, when I listen to what he says about me, it's hard not to get into that pattern, too.
When you are in that pattern, how do you feel about yourself? Are you proud of your actions? I'm guessing no. I found that I can't keep myself from getting dragging in at the slightest body language or tone thrown at me.
Did he say anything to you about the moving out thing or did he rush over last Monday to take more things?
Fortunately, I have not fallen into this pattern. I just want to. I did vent on the night that I told him to get his things if he wanted them, and I didn't say anything that I would ever wish I could take back. I don't do these things because I wouldn't feel proud of my actions and know how damaging words can be.
However, I have noticed that my H has bristled at my words, tone, or alleged implications in recent months. I'm almost insulted that he would think I would be deliberately passive-aggressive or biting with my comments (especially since I have no history of this). Are his actions/reactions more about his defensiveness and guilt than about what I say and how I say it?
Ah, the moving. I have some information about that. I have to stop posting for a few moments (tornado warning right now), but I'll give the update in a new post in a moment.
After an e-mail discussion about the best times/days for H to come, he let me know that he would not come on Monday (since he already had some plans that day) but would come on Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning, and Friday morning.
When I came home on Tuesday, he had left a note that indicated that he did not bring any boxes, did not have a vehicle large enough to accommodate much anyway, and had used most of his time in the house that morning to "assess." He had found 3 empty boxes here, so he did pack some things in those. He left those packed boxes in his closet.
On Wednesday, I arrived home to find that he had packed a few more things (and had brought some empty boxes from the liquor store). I found a note on top of the 13 boxes he left in my dining room that said he had run out of time, would get the boxes later, and was sorry for leaving them. The 3 boxes were still in his closet.
On Friday, I came home and could tell immediately that he had not been here. All boxes still remained, and nothing else had been packed.
I don't know what to think. I thought he would have jumped at the chance to get his things and go. However, from this point forward, I will make no assumptions or guesses about what he thinks or feels, and I have made the decision to not read into anything he says or does. I have gotten nowhere doing those things thus far, and I need to spend that energy on other things (like looking at magazines, putting some seeds in one of my flowerbeds, choosing paint for the kitchen, spending quality time with Boxer dog, and playing with my new makeup).
The only thing I can control is myself! [I wonder when I won't have to actually say these words to myself to make myself feel better?]
New neighbors just moved in next door. I was sad to see the old neighbors go. They had been my neighbors since my mother bought this house 21 years ago.
I met the new neighbors last night. The husband and wife are very nice. They are Brazilian and have been in the US for 11 years. They have a dog with whom Boxer dog spent time playing. They also have a daughter who is 15 years old.
My mother was a teacher, and as I've told before, she died suddenly 4 years ago. She had a heart attack while sitting at her desk in her classroom and died. There were children there when it happened, including my half-brother (who was not my mother's child, but she treated him like he was).
I will never forget any of the children in my mother's class from that school year. Their faces and names are burned in my mind forever. They were a big part of my healing process then, and I still see some of them now. I love seeing them, but it feels like a knife to my heart when I see them. I am constantly surrounded by memories of my mother, but those children are reminders of what happened. We all went through her death together.
And now one of those children has moved in next door to me. She's a sweet girl, and I know I will enjoy her family being my neighbors. I just can't fully express the surprise I felt when I recognized this girl.
I have noticed my breathing issues have happened all through this day, and while I don't want to be hyperventilating, I'm strangely glad that I'm not doing it over H. This also tells me that I still have grief and loss issues to deal with.
Now it might be time to settle in, get comfortable, and open my anxiety workbook. I could use some anxiety relief.
My New Friend, EIGHT, who should be a TEN!!! (RESPONSE NUMBER 1)
Originally Posted By: Number 8
For now, I continue to have my nervous, anxious feeling, but I also feel like there's still some hope.
Honey, alcohol helps a lot w/the nervous, anxious feeling... LOL J/K
I'm jotting notes as I read, so if you cover later in the thread, just swat me!
Anxious and nervous are prevalent when you feel you have no choice in an outcome of a situation. You DO have a choice, TEN...
Originally Posted By: Number 8
"It's criminal the way I see it, to have the answers and know the solutions, but be held back by one party...UGH."
Gosh, it appears all I would have needed to do was get naked more often! UGH!
(I need to go back and read Thread ONE - don't understand the WHY H is moved out yet, but having a good time reading w/wine...)
Originally Posted By: Number 8
I took very easily to the GAL philosophy (despite the anxiety and internal turmoil). I adopted it and exhibited a positive, upbeat attitude.
Good thing we're not local, because I live it, and it tends to get me in trouble sometimes!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
His response: "When you act like that, it's just more of the same."
Ouch! That f'n sucks! HUG
Originally Posted By: Number 8
flowmom, it hasn't felt like pursuing because my H has never felt pursued by me. He has felt overlooked and ignored, and he has felt alone.
Ouch! BTDT, and the scars to prove it!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
Thanks, kara! I appreciate your support. Have you found methods that work well for you?
Hey, TEN, Kara ROCKS. Read, re-read, highlight, AND bunny-ear her thread. She is one of my all-time faves, and I'm qualified to tell ya...
Originally Posted By: Number 8
On a related note, if you have never seen the movie The Money Pit, then please watch it immediately. It will give you an idea of what my life is like right now.
Oh, honey, when you have TEN hours, I'll share our renovation / restoration of a 1911 FLW home... YIKES!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
And for the record--I didn't come up with the "WW" for her. She calls herself that! She also signs all her e-mails and cards to my sister-in-law and me like that.
Whacked, just whacked!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
flowmom, you don't sound flaky at all! Because of all my home disasters, I've even considered contacting an exorcist (though I'm not even Catholic). I wonder where one would find a Feng Shui consultant? I might have an easier time finding an exorcist.
BTDT - LMAO - Hahahaha LOL I had our pastor come pray over every doorway, corner of each room, etc... Still f'n shitty karma here!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
It's good to have the mother of a son providing some input here.
I have two sons. I never want to do less than be an awesome, totally fun, MIL(F)! LOL
Originally Posted By: Number 8
He gave me one of those long squeezy hugs, and I just melted right into it and squeezed back (a 180 from what I'd been doing since the separation). I said, "You look great." He responded, "So do you." [This is the first time this has happened since the separation!] He sat and chatted for a good while and then said he would get back to his mother's (exhausted after a long, stressful day). We both stood, and he gave me an even tighter and longer hug. He took a deep breath (smelling my hair? gathering his strength?) as we hugged, and I close-lipped kissed his neck (another 180 for me). He hung on for a few moments longer after this. As he was leaving, he said, "I'll talk to you this weekend."
EIGHT became a TEN in this moment right here, folks...
Originally Posted By: Number 8
(total fluff--the new Chelsea Handler book).
Are you there vodka, it's me Chelsea... LMAO - I quote it all the time. LOL LOL LOL
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
TEN RESPONSE #2 - (Im trying to get out of working, and I'm drinking wine...)
Originally Posted By: Number 8
Limbo. Such fun, huh?
No, darlin, it' f'n sucks!
Originally Posted By: Number 8
[Side note: money has been an issue at times. I make more money, I receive my late mother's retirement, and the house is technically mine.]
I had a few years of this... for crying out loud, can't you rock the fact that your W can EARN? WHO CARES? Tides turn, etc...
Originally Posted By: Number 8
Also, comments like "It took me leaving to get your attention" demonstrate his resentment. It will certainly be a challenge when we reconcile. [Positive thinking--not "if" but "when."]
MINDFULL INPUT - If you're communicate to me how bad you're feeling, acting, living, etc... you wouldn't HAVE TO LEAVE to get my attention, f*ck face.
Originally Posted By: Number 8
More to come as the situation develops . . .
I had something EERILY similar happen. I f'n slapped the [censored] out of him!!! HUGS, TEN. Hope this is resolved.. will keep reading....
The bird fiasco, is, hysterical.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
