Do I trust her? No. Do I need her? No. Do I love her? Yes. Do I want my boys raised in an intact family? Yes. Do I think she's messed up and better left alone? Probably. Can I make a fantastic life without her? Yes. Do I really want to put up with her? No. Do I value marriage and family? Yes. DO I WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN in a couple of years? No.
Exactly! That's how I would've answered those questions myself (with one exception- I'm often bored on the weekends and miss her company but I need to work on that)
Like you I made a lot of changes the previous time she left. I'm sure over time I too lost some of those changes but had she not walked away I would've done what I could to fix the issues and would've asked her to help fix the issues I felt were important (communication and our sex life).
Bill, I think your STBXW really likes what she sees in you i.e. a strong, confident guy who doesn't need her to survive, who didn't fall to his knees because of what she did. So now she's kicking herself for walking away from someone desireable like you. Of course, this could be a temporary thing but I think at some point most WAS will look back and regret their decisions -even if briefly. Though I'm sure most will come up with various justifications to ease their pain.
Hope you're recovering well.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Let's just say this... Geronimo, you are the king and the king makes decisions for himself, by himself. Those nightmares she is having need to keep happening and I think you made a mistake by telling her that you would never sleep with X,Y, or Z. You do not need to ease her fears about that!
What would she have to say or do for you to get you to rebuild with her? She is still looking for reassurance that you will stay around for her. Until she is willing to do what YOU WANT to make it work there is no hope for a good future between you two.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
To say the least she kind of sounds crazy right now. Thats the thing many of us don't really think about is being a WAS and all the justifying, the dual lives ( up to a point ), really does put them in crazy land. It will take years for them to get out of it if they make that decision. You make all this sound a lot harder now that I think about it.
Oh, as long as you think as you have been your going to be fine.
Well, they were unhappy. Needs were not being met, the marriage was not what they envisioned it being, they felt like they were missing something.
Whatever it is, I do think that many times it is simply a reflection of the fact that the two people lost what it was that once drew them together.
Things that are lost can be found again.
But the WAS often sits on their disatisfaction and lets it stew withing. They wait for changes, many times without doing much to try to provoke their spouse to make those changes. And every time that we fall short of what they hope for, it gets stored away silently.
I read once a statement to the effect that many people think that it's when their spouse is loud and complaining that things are bad. The truth is that things are REALLY bad when the spouse STOPS complaining. That often means that they have quit, they have given up, and they have accepted that this particular spouse is never going to be able to provide what it is that they need in a husband or wife.
I can tell you that this is very much what happened in my first marriage.
Once the bomb is delivered and we get through the first difficult stage of acceptance, those of good mettle begin self-assessing and slowly but surely begin to improve themselves. They acknowledge the bad habits they had taken on, they acknowledge that they became so much less than what they were when their spouse fell in love with them.
And they begin to set things right within them.
Why would it be a surprise that your wife would find the man you are becoming attractive? She fell in love with that man before! As the old yet improved you becomes uncovered, she begins to see the person that she THOUGHT she was getting when she agreed to marry. She fell IN LOVE with that person.
Now obviously there's alot more to the situation than this. But I wanted to make the point that your wife is likely finding herself attracted to you again for many of the reasons she was attracted to you in the past.
The irony of this little cycle is this.
At the bomb, the WAS is FAR ahead of the LBS. Remember that the WAS has recognized that there were significant problems, found no resolution, and they shut down - they mentally opted out of the marriage.
We, the LBS, were in no way prepared for this. It takes us weeks and months to get past the emotional devastation their announcement brings to us.
But once we recover, the wise among us begin to make ourselves better, recognizing that something in US was broken. And we begin the process of healing and improving.
Meanwhile, the WAS has laid all the marital problems at the feet of their flawed spouse. They have often done NOTHING to look within themselves to see if there was anything there that needed fixed.
Your wife is now behind you. You have moved on, you have made and continue to make changes that have caused you to become a better version of the man she once loved.
Your wife sees this and cannot help but be attracted.
But you now also realize that SHE had issues that needed addressed as well. And looking at her in her current state, you do NOT see the woman that you fell in love with.
This is now HER time.
Ironically she now has to DB YOU.
The only question that remains is what will she find when we she finally reaches the point of making changes in herself.
Will you still be there or not?
Are you ready to leave the potential of a new, BETTER life behind to move quickly into a new relationship? Or are you able to give this period of your life TIME.
That choice is yours.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Well, they were unhappy. Needs were not being met, the marriage was not what they envisioned it being, they felt like they were missing something.
Whatever it is, I do think that many times it is simply a reflection of the fact that the two people lost what it was that once drew them together.
Things that are lost can be found again.
But the WAS often sits on their disatisfaction and lets it stew withing. They wait for changes, many times without doing much to try to provoke their spouse to make those changes. And every time that we fall short of what they hope for, it gets stored away silently.
I read once a statement to the effect that many people think that it's when their spouse is loud and complaining that things are bad. The truth is that things are REALLY bad when the spouse STOPS complaining. That often means that they have quit, they have given up, and they have accepted that this particular spouse is never going to be able to provide what it is that they need in a husband or wife.
I can tell you that this is very much what happened in my first marriage.
Once the bomb is delivered and we get through the first difficult stage of acceptance, those of good mettle begin self-assessing and slowly but surely begin to improve themselves. They acknowledge the bad habits they had taken on, they acknowledge that they became so much less than what they were when their spouse fell in love with them.
And they begin to set things right within them.
Why would it be a surprise that your wife would find the man you are becoming attractive? She fell in love with that man before! As the old yet improved you becomes uncovered, she begins to see the person that she THOUGHT she was getting when she agreed to marry. She fell IN LOVE with that person.
Now obviously there's alot more to the situation than this. But I wanted to make the point that your wife is likely finding herself attracted to you again for many of the reasons she was attracted to you in the past.
The irony of this little cycle is this.
At the bomb, the WAS is FAR ahead of the LBS. Remember that the WAS has recognized that there were significant problems, found no resolution, and they shut down - they mentally opted out of the marriage.
We, the LBS, were in no way prepared for this. It takes us weeks and months to get past the emotional devastation their announcement brings to us.
But once we recover, the wise among us begin to make ourselves better, recognizing that something in US was broken. And we begin the process of healing and improving.
Meanwhile, the WAS has laid all the marital problems at the feet of their flawed spouse. They have often done NOTHING to look within themselves to see if there was anything there that needed fixed.
Your wife is now behind you. You have moved on, you have made and continue to make changes that have caused you to become a better version of the man she once loved.
Your wife sees this and cannot help but be attracted.
But you now also realize that SHE had issues that needed addressed as well. And looking at her in her current state, you do NOT see the woman that you fell in love with.
This is now HER time.
Ironically she now has to DB YOU.
The only question that remains is what will she find when we she finally reaches the point of making changes in herself.
Will you still be there or not?
Are you ready to leave the potential of a new, BETTER life behind to move quickly into a new relationship? Or are you able to give this period of your life TIME.
That choice is yours.
Blessings,
Bill
Bill, what about "bad" people? These logical movements are fine for us who prefer to be sane. What about "bad" people who know they are bad and do it by choice.
There does not have to be anything "wrong" with a LBS. Plus there are many cases of where someone planned their life, and they kinda knew all along that they were going to marry you, stay with you for about 5 years, then divorce you and do this other thing. They were worried completely about their own life and not yours. You may have been very attractive, you may be a good provider, you may be good in the sack, her "friends" maybe even like you. Sometimes it doesn't matter and a LBS should not feel self-deficient or that they did anything wrong.
In many of our cases as a LBS we choose to get better, but if the partner who went WAS on us is not going to be "better" why stay with them? It may just find a different type of candidate for a long term relationship and hope for good luck.
My belief is that over 50% of the time, there was nothing deficient in an LBS that made a spouse go WAS. I believe it more likely a WAS who got big for theier britches, and felt entitled to do whatever they want to, hurting people along the way.
Yes, I did many things that could be improved on. I am sure everyone has room for improvement.
Society is so focussed on selfishness that I feel many WAS do feel they are entitled.
My WAW used to talk to her friends about never having regrets and if they met someone else then they should go for it. Real nice hu !!!
What can we do about it? I think we move on and don't worry about their full of [censored] asses. Also if you want to shake their life up on the way out, thats up to you.
I just spent the morning with my WAW at my kids school fair. We get along great and we are one of only two divorced families in the school. I just left with my kids for the weekend.
It's such a waste of a full life.
Yes, we just continue on.
Last edited by whitneypinch; 05/01/1007:02 PM.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I haven't gotten the feeling from Chief that his wife fell into the category of "bad" people. So my comments to him are to him, and I suppose anyone else who doesn't find their walkaway spouse to be a fundamentally bad person.
If you have a spouse who takes the same approach to marriage that he/she does to buying a car, well then all bets are off it seems to me. Can't do much about that.
In the words of Adam Sandler's character in Big Daddy, "THAT would have been nice to know!"
Not everone who does what we could consider a bad thing is a bad person. Good people do bad things sometimes too. It's up to each one of us to judge our OWN situation and make those kinds of determinations.
There is a flicker of life here in Chief's situation. But I don't want him focusing on that. I want him to continue enjoying his newfound single life. I want him to continue enjoying being a father and a good man. I want him to continue to treat his wife with kindness and civility, even in the face of her pursuit dance behavior. And I want him to tread very carefully in the area of new relationships (like TM).
But what he chooses to do is up to him.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
