WAH in MLC with PA

[Mila]

DG - That's a good news that there is a chance to keep you home. I sure hope that your H will cooperate. I hope that he is sane enough to see that this is not about you and about who "wins", but about the well being of his children.

(((hugs)))

[seeking answers]

DG, Hope that it all works out for you and the kids. You deserve a break.

(((Hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

Unfortunately I don't think he will cooperate.... He is only thinking of himself right now.... I'm pretty sure I'm spending money on a SA that won't be signed...

I'm exploring either a private loan for Hs equity (7k minus whatever I can to bring it down.... Or getting a valuation on the house (on the low side to minimize the equity)...

The problem is the payment frequency... As it stands once I stop paying (if I have to) then I have 6 weeks to find a house and move... and I need more than that to come up with a downpayment on the house I buy.... Which is why I was trying to get him to change it to monthly... Which would give me 4 months...

If I rent I will probably not be able to afford to get enough $$ together to buy on my own again...

I finished my part time job last night.. The money will be missed...

[DiamondGirl]

So much for detachment...

Trying to clean out some boxes and came across our wedding thank you cards complete with glowing loving faces....

Ended up in a heap crying on the floor...

I miss the man I fell in love with oh so long ago...

I feel so sad and hopeless for anything good to come my way today...

I know I'll feel better again but I'm just still so heartbroken over the whole sitch at times... I don't know how I'll get through the next 6 months

[Cadet]

I don't know how I'll get through the next 6 months

One day at a time, step by step, one foot in front of the other. Six months is too long of a time to look at, try very small increments.

[C-Bart]

Diamond,
Its ok to still feel the pain. Don't beat yourself up thinking you should be past it. This takes time. You have some very tender wounds and something like you saw today will rip them wide open again.

I wish there was something I could do to help with your pain but I can't. No one can. Only thing you can do is feel it and continue to work through the issues that are causing it. Funny as it sounds pain is a good thing as it is part of the healing process.

[DiamondGirl]

I pretty much told him in an email yesterday what I thought of him... Not swearing or anything....just that he'd become everything he used to despise... It would have hurt the old H and if he's still in there I'm sure it hurt him ... I'm not proud of that at all... But I was reacting to the person he is now and not the old him...

I'm not so sure the current H hasn't already killed the old (if that's possible) I'm not seeing any sign of the old him these days only this monster in his place

I want to be compassionate with him as I was earlier, but then I open up to more pain and I can't take any more stress right now... I feel so close to the breaking point inside...

I can't even bear to read the positive sitchs right now... Mine doesn't seem like it would be one that would work out (emailing my opinion aside) because I can't seem to separate his actions now as not him... I've lost respect for him and I don't know if he has it in him to stop running

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks.... I'll try to keep reminding myself of that... Growing pains suck though

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks for the reminder... There are so many big issues going on that I keep forgetting they won't be resolved by my worrying about them...

Minute by minute right now...

[DiamondGirl]

My mind keeps replaying those "clarity" moments ... When his vulnerability showed... It's so hard to keep the "business" side attitude in place... My heart says compassion and hope... But dealing with him now is so difficult because he is a person that would not elicit compassion from anyone right now...

It would be a whole lot less painful and easier if I felt like they did...

It feels like everytime he puts himself before our children's needs it's like another betrayal...

Probably was self protection detachment.... Would have been simpler if it wasn't ...

I'm so tired and confused about how I feel about him...

Don't know if the above made any sense to anyone but me....