is detatching good?

[bel44]

my husband is very negative right now, and angry. he says there is no way he can see it working. we have spent our weekends together and they have been mostly good, but he pulls away and is very distant. my fear is that because he can be so passive, that if i leave him alone he will go away even more. might not see him on the weekends and stuff. he has been staying with his sister but has a lease on his own home coming in two weeks in a mountain town outside of where we live. what should i do??
my story is in newcomers thread, but i didnt get much advise

[yrsofhurt]

I can feel your pain and anxiety. The stress of trying to figure out what to do to get the results you are after takes its toll. I wish I had let go sooner than I did, but I felt like you, and knew if I didn't hold on, he certainly wasn't going to. My DB Coach though explained to me although, that is a natural feeling to have, it is counter-productive. I wish I had detached sooner. At this point, you will have to "act as if", as if you are thinking about what he needs, and if what he needs is to leave, you won't stand in his way, and that although you wished he would not leave, you are being understanding, and loving about his decision. It takes away his reason to struggle against you.

Believe me, I am not a expert, just someone who has been there. I do think the DB Coaches are so worth it if you could talk to one of them.

[Augtan]

I agree with yrsofhurt!! The sooner you detach, the better. My ex is passive and at times angry and negative too. He said the same things about it not working, but he was with OW or had just broken up with her when he said all that. We don't talk about it at all now. I am letting him do his thing, all while supporting him and letting him be who he needs to be right now. It is so hard to watch and in my case to know he is missing his kids lives (he lives 700 miles away) for no good reason at all. There is nothing I can do to get him to realize this and that family matters more than his new found "friends" that he seems to value more than his own family. I have told him that they will not be the ones to visit him in the nursing home, and if he doesn't realize it soon, neither will his kids be there. I know they will say "you weren't there when I needed you most, you put yourself before us, why should I make you a top priority now?" At least that is what they should say to him, but because they are being raised by me to be giving, loving and caring, they won't be able to turn their back on him. Anyway, you have to let him have his own natural consequences for his choices. You can't control anything he is going to do and the sooner you accept this the better, and it is beyond hard and painful to do, but will be best in the end no matter what happens!!

A