What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage

[Done in VA]

I haven't been on this site in a LONG time. And I've been wanting to give an update on myself & what I've learned about my marriage. Our divorce will be final this August.

I'm not going to go into the dynamics of things between the 2 of us. That would take forever. STBXH kept saying I was "controlling" when he first admitted he was done (although he went to MC for 6 months after dropping the bomb, but never "tried" to work on the marriage). I could never figure this out. I was not possessive, we both had outside interests, etc. It's taken me over a year to finally "think" I may understand what he meant.

I was too controlling over MYSELF. I never fully let my guard down with him. He never got 100% of ME. I am a VERY guarded person...nobody's going to take advantage of me, nobody's going to f--- me over, I will not be used. I always had a wall up protecting myself from STBXH doing these things to me. And I don't even know why. He would make a mistake & I would not see it as a simple mistake, I would see it as - you did this to piss me off. you did this on purpose just to make me mad. I would never give him the benefit of the doubt.

After 6 months of MC, reading every book on saving a M, DBing my butt off & turning into June Cleaver, twisting myself into a pretzel to become the person I thought he wanted me to be...the most painful & agonizing 6 months of my entire life...he admitted that I'd made all the changes he'd asked for, but he still wanted a divorce. I got mad & I was DONE! I went out 2 days later & by some strange twist of fate, met someone else that I am still with today (9 months later). I may be judged for this, but I don't care. My timeframe for saving my marriage was 6 months & I tried my damndest to "make H love me again". It didn't work.

You would think in my new R, I wouldn't trust & would be even more guarded, but for some reason I'm just the opposite. I have given 100% of myself to (we'll call him Bill). If H had been sitting next to me & asked me to make him a sandwich, I would have said - get up and make it yourself! I'd be thinking - you're not going to control me & see if you can get me to do something that you could easily do yourself. If Bill asks me the same thing, I'll do it. I do it bc I realize I'm being asked to do something for the simple fact that it would be nice. I stopped overanalyzing everything, I stopped taking things negatively & I do nice things just bc I want to make him happy. I could honestly go on & on about different things that caused the demise of my marriage. None of which I felt could not be fixed...none of which I believe you would get a D over, but H did.