I agree with Antlers. When I started up on FB last year, I blocked W from the get-go because if what she is doing does not involve the kids, I'm far better off not knowing about it. D is also on FB but I intentionally have not friended her since it is good that she has her own space. All of our computers are in the great room in the new place so I feel pretty safe about what the kids and I do online.
It did take me a very long time to get things sorted out and detach as much as possible when there are kids involved. You will get there but the process can't be rushed...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Yes. I backslid into snoop mode like I was in November and I was in a bad place in November.
The best revenge is a life well lived. When I look at things going forward I have confidence. I just have to work through the STBXW issues. The less I know about her the better. I have to remember that.
Girls and I just got back from a farm that doubles as an animal rescue place and opens up to the public about six weekends a year. It had a lot more than I thought.
I'll be posting photos later on FB. The place needs more promotion.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Wow. Wide range of emotions between last night and this morning.
STBXW stopped by to have D11 try some boots on for a Wednesday night talent show.
I was disgusted by her yesterday. The fact she'd rather hang out at biker bars or at biker retreats with her best friend rather than be with me.
My apologies to the ladies on here because I'm going to sound insensitive, but there has always been a trailer trash feeling to her family.
I thought STBXW wanted better, but my feeling last night was she wanted to go places where she feels superior -- the big city career woman hanging out with the townies.
Then I woke up this morning feeling really sad for the girls.
In the past year they've done remarkably well with the splitup. They've taken to my place and it doesn't feel so strange anymore.
But I know they feel poor.
That part is going to get worse.
In a couple of couple of weeks the family home will go on the market. That's traumatizing. I had to go through that three times growing up. Twice it was because we were moving as a family to a better place and it sucked. The third time it was because our family was breaking up and that really sucked.
These are the kind of hurts -- loss of attachment, memories -- that get buried until you don't realize they are hurting you in other ways.
STBXW has been taking them to open houses, which mystifies me. The house has no equity. It'll be a short sale. So she'll have that strike against her on her credit. The only way she'd be able to do it is if her MIL gave her 10 percent or more on the downpayment.
I'm not sure MIL is in that good of financial shape anymore.
Of course, I'm torn. I want STBXW to suffer and have to go find an apartment like I had to. But that would mean likely no pets. So the family dog, cat and gerbils would go off to the MIL house.
But who does that really hurt? D11 and D7. They've had a good childhood. They have so much pain in front of them.
I'm feeling guilty this morning that I don't make enough to make sure they can stay in the house. Part of me wishes I could just call and say, 'you know what, I'll pay this, this and this.'
But that would leave me penniless and bitter and that would become a barrier between us.
So right now if I had a choice I still would move home to make the best of things for the girls.
But the truth is the person I thought I married doesn't exist and I hate the person I'm about to divorce.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
As much as the snooping may set you back emotionally, it also may give you some intel during the D process. Think of it as negotiating a peace settlement with the Japanese prior to the Midway battle.
Keep the D as a business transaction with someone holding a knife to your heart.
It will get better. I had many of the similar thoughts that I was going to be financially devastated. I hope you will come out of this like I and be able to start rebounding in a year or two. A friend of mine who went through a D quite some time ago told me that it takes a guy 3-5 years to recover financially. Most women dont fair as well in the D recovery.
My apologies to the ladies on here because I'm going to sound insensitive, but there has always been a trailer trash feeling to her family.
I thought STBXW wanted better, but my feeling last night was she wanted to go places where she feels superior -- the big city career woman hanging out with the townies.
Oh man...there is a lot to know and read about this. Why do you think that the big biker dudes and the drug using rock stars have lots of women around??? It's not at ALL about the good guy hard working middle class dudes. It's all about excitement and non-wuss attitude. Frequently, they WILL go downward for control issues and a need to bolster self-esteem. Or..it's just replay from MLC (yuck..did I just say that?).
As for snooping, I stand with KerryK. I go against what most people say here, meaning:
Quote:
Just say no to cheeseless tunnels. THAR SHE BLOWS...there IS cheese in them thar tunnels.
You DO need intel. Bottomline, would you want to know your spouse was bangin' someone and lying to you? Or...would you rather stick your head in the sand, look the other way and enable the behavior?
JMO.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Fibs, whether or not she's going out or banging someone doesn't really matter at this point, does it? I don't believe it means I'll get any better of a settlement.
The look on her face when she tried to muscle me on online porn and I told her I knew the girls had found her dildos under her bed was priceless.
Really, I need to get to the point where I don't care what she does on her own time. I need to get to the point where I don't think of her at all on my own time.
Thee 3 to 5 year period to recover. That's going to be me. I'll be able to get a couple things paid off -- I believe. But I'm going to be stuck with at least a car payment or a 401(k) loan payment and those both have about three years left.
STBXW just stopped by to give something to D11. I was upstairs and just came down, sat on the couch and picked up the computer. She has to bring some medicine by in a couple of hours so I get to see the biker queen again -- oh joy.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
You DO need intel. Bottomline, would you want to know your spouse was bangin' someone and lying to you? Or...would you rather stick your head in the sand, look the other way and enable the behavior?
I think it makes a difference if the situation is one where the soon to be ex-spouse has already moved out of the house (or the LBS has moved out of the house), and a divorce has already been filed and is in progress. Intel in this case serves no purpose but to cause one more pain...pain over someone who is done with the LBS and is already in the process of moving on. The LBS is in no position to either enable or prevent the behavior of the WAS...what the WAS does at this point is no longer any business of the LBS. Unless it effects the kids.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I was disgusted by her yesterday. The fact she'd rather hang out at biker bars or at biker retreats with her best friend rather than be with me.
Being disgusted by disgusting behavior is quite understandable.
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
My apologies to the ladies on here because I'm going to sound insensitive, but there has always been a trailer trash feeling to her family.
Ladies? The "trailer-trash" pejorative knows no gender.
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
In a couple of couple of weeks the family home will go on the market. That's traumatizing. I had to go through that three times growing up. Twice it was because we were moving as a family to a better place and it sucked. The third time it was because our family was breaking up and that really sucked.
I would suggest sitting them down and telling them how it felt for you, in as much detail as you can recall. Let 'em know Dad went through this as well.
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
But the truth is the person I thought I married doesn't exist and I hate the person I'm about to divorce.
Sadly, yes, I understand.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
If a man dwells on the past, then he robs the present. But if a man ignores the past, he may rob the future. The seeds of our destiny are nurtured by the roots of our past.
Seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions.
Or like the Geico lizard might say..."I just gathered a bunch of intel on the legal crap my divorcing spouse is plotting and I think I just saved a bunch of money on my divorce by switching to SnoopCo."
