Well, they were unhappy. Needs were not being met, the marriage was not what they envisioned it being, they felt like they were missing something.
Whatever it is, I do think that many times it is simply a reflection of the fact that the two people lost what it was that once drew them together.
Things that are lost can be found again.
But the WAS often sits on their disatisfaction and lets it stew withing. They wait for changes, many times without doing much to try to provoke their spouse to make those changes. And every time that we fall short of what they hope for, it gets stored away silently.
I read once a statement to the effect that many people think that it's when their spouse is loud and complaining that things are bad. The truth is that things are REALLY bad when the spouse STOPS complaining. That often means that they have quit, they have given up, and they have accepted that this particular spouse is never going to be able to provide what it is that they need in a husband or wife.
I can tell you that this is very much what happened in my first marriage.
Once the bomb is delivered and we get through the first difficult stage of acceptance, those of good mettle begin self-assessing and slowly but surely begin to improve themselves. They acknowledge the bad habits they had taken on, they acknowledge that they became so much less than what they were when their spouse fell in love with them.
And they begin to set things right within them.
Why would it be a surprise that your wife would find the man you are becoming attractive? She fell in love with that man before! As the old yet improved you becomes uncovered, she begins to see the person that she THOUGHT she was getting when she agreed to marry. She fell IN LOVE with that person.
Now obviously there's alot more to the situation than this. But I wanted to make the point that your wife is likely finding herself attracted to you again for many of the reasons she was attracted to you in the past.
The irony of this little cycle is this.
At the bomb, the WAS is FAR ahead of the LBS. Remember that the WAS has recognized that there were significant problems, found no resolution, and they shut down - they mentally opted out of the marriage.
We, the LBS, were in no way prepared for this. It takes us weeks and months to get past the emotional devastation their announcement brings to us.
But once we recover, the wise among us begin to make ourselves better, recognizing that something in US was broken. And we begin the process of healing and improving.
Meanwhile, the WAS has laid all the marital problems at the feet of their flawed spouse. They have often done NOTHING to look within themselves to see if there was anything there that needed fixed.
Your wife is now behind you. You have moved on, you have made and continue to make changes that have caused you to become a better version of the man she once loved.
Your wife sees this and cannot help but be attracted.
But you now also realize that SHE had issues that needed addressed as well. And looking at her in her current state, you do NOT see the woman that you fell in love with.
This is now HER time.
Ironically she now has to DB YOU.
The only question that remains is what will she find when we she finally reaches the point of making changes in herself.
Will you still be there or not?
Are you ready to leave the potential of a new, BETTER life behind to move quickly into a new relationship? Or are you able to give this period of your life TIME.
That choice is yours.
Blessings,
Bill
Bill, what about "bad" people? These logical movements are fine for us who prefer to be sane. What about "bad" people who know they are bad and do it by choice.
There does not have to be anything "wrong" with a LBS. Plus there are many cases of where someone planned their life, and they kinda knew all along that they were going to marry you, stay with you for about 5 years, then divorce you and do this other thing. They were worried completely about their own life and not yours. You may have been very attractive, you may be a good provider, you may be good in the sack, her "friends" maybe even like you. Sometimes it doesn't matter and a LBS should not feel self-deficient or that they did anything wrong.
In many of our cases as a LBS we choose to get better, but if the partner who went WAS on us is not going to be "better" why stay with them? It may just find a different type of candidate for a long term relationship and hope for good luck.
My belief is that over 50% of the time, there was nothing deficient in an LBS that made a spouse go WAS. I believe it more likely a WAS who got big for theier britches, and felt entitled to do whatever they want to, hurting people along the way.
