How do I expose the affair

[mb28]

Allen,
My therapist basically said the same thing you said. My life needs to be the stable safe one in order for him to ever jump off his rollercoaster and on to mine.

I have been doing pretty good at detaching, with the exception of Tues. I don't call him hardly ever. If I need to talk to him about kids or money, I mostly do it through email or text. As for not being alone with him, that is a little more difficult. However, the kids will usually alway be around. And with our schedules we really should only see each other every other Sunday when he drops of the kids.

I've been seeing a new therapist the last month and half. Like you suggested previously, I researched and made sure I found one that is family oriented and marraige based. It's amazing how much he tells is the same that you and everyone else has been telling me for months. Detach, don't chase him, he has to want the M as much as I do, let the OW start being the nag, etc. He also said that the only way I should accept his offer this Sunday, is if I think I'm strong enough to not let my mood (stable train) be affecting by his (rollercoaster). He doesn't think I'm strong enough to do that yet. However, he did say that maybe I should wait until Sunday morning to make that decision.

[NNP1965]

I don't mean to hijack, but can I ask a question?

I have been ignoring my H when he txt's trying to be chatty, but it feels so rude to do so. How do you get over feeling that way?

[WhatNow]

I don't mean to hijack, but can I ask a question?

I have been ignoring my H when he txt's trying to be chatty, but it feels so rude to do so. How do you get over feeling that way?

Without knowing your sitch, I would say, You are too busy to respond right away. Waiting 24 to 48 hours isn't rude. It often takes me that long to reply to folks i know that are not immediate family members. You are you are too busy GALing to be chatty.

[mb28]

Don't be sorry, you can hijack anytime.

That is still hard for me to ignore some of his texts. However, the more I ignored them the less he sends me. In fact the most he sends me now is just about kids or money and those I respond to. I was so worried that it came accross rude too. However, he needs to start missing you, including chatty texts. If you respond, then in a way he still has you on the back burner. Or starts to think, wow we'll be good friends at least.

I hope that helps, hugs to you (-;

[WhatNow]

Allen,
My therapist basically said the same thing you said. My life needs to be the stable safe one in order for him to ever jump off his rollercoaster and on to mine.

I have been doing pretty good at detaching, with the exception of Tues. I don't call him hardly ever. If I need to talk to him about kids or money, I mostly do it through email or text. As for not being alone with him, that is a little more difficult. However, the kids will usually alway be around. And with our schedules we really should only see each other every other Sunday when he drops of the kids.

I've been seeing a new therapist the last month and half. Like you suggested previously, I researched and made sure I found one that is family oriented and marraige based. It's amazing how much he tells is the same that you and everyone else has been telling me for months. Detach, don't chase him, he has to want the M as much as I do, let the OW start being the nag, etc. He also said that the only way I should accept his offer this Sunday, is if I think I'm strong enough to not let my mood (stable train) be affecting by his (rollercoaster). He doesn't think I'm strong enough to do that yet. However, he did say that maybe I should wait until Sunday morning to make that decision.

mb,

Rollercoasterider sent this out this morning. She has a good website on MLC. I hope she doesn't mind me copying it here for you.
excerpt from www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

"In early MLC, soon after Bomb Drop, you are at your most vulnerable and need to limit contact in order to gather your Self together to gain strength and detach. Consider the various levels of limited contact: Dim, Dark and No Contact. The first two may involve contact but limited communication, as you can use them when living in the same household.

Learn about all three before determining which level is appropriate at this present time in your situation. Consider what it is you want at the present time and what it is that you want in the future. If you are Standing for your marriage, what do you need to do to get to reconciliation? Will cutting off contact alienate your MLCer more or will it refuse you the opportunity to learn valuable communication skills with a difficult person? Consider the balance of contact and communication that will benefit both your Self and your marriage. Each person needs to use contact limitation for the value it provides them personally. No Contact will suit some and Dark will be more appropriate for others and the levels of greatest benefit are likely to change throughout the crisis.

Remove your expectation for your MLCer’s reactions to contact limitations. MLCers often interpret limiting contact as anger and something they deserve, some think it is evidence that you can never be together again. It is at times acceptable to correct this notion—Dim and Dark allow for communication. It is also common for MLCers to react with anger when you limit contact. What they are not consciously realizing or admitting is they want to lean on you. But you are not his beck-and-call girl or his mommy; it’s not your job to come when called or wipe his boo-boos. You are not her Knight in Shining Armor; she has to slay the dragon herself. You are his Queen and her King—equal partners. When you make yourself unavailable your MLCer may become meaner, more manipulative or try to provoke you by playing games. Accept this as part of MLC; your teenager is throwing a tantrum. You proved a point, he needs you. But it won’t make him turn around in the MLC tunnel. He may not even get the point until the end of the tunnel which is a few years away. If you are hoping for a magical solution, remember what Jack found at the top of the beanstalk.

Limiting contact helps you separate from the emotional drama and gives you space for gaining strength and finding your own peace. It is a recharge for you as a Stander. It is not because you want to end the relationship, but the cake-eating and cycling emotions are dragging you down. It’s emotionally difficult to go through this horrible time of your life when the person you want to turn to for comfort is the one who is causing the strife. Step back and focus on yourself. Sometimes you can only regain your strength through separation—emotional or physical.

Your MLCer’s crisis is not about you, it is about her and limiting contact will give her space to deal with her demons. And for awhile at least, she may appreciate the distance. She doesn’t feel she has breathing room. She is busy trying to control you to do what she thinks she wants. If she feels she is forcing something from you—such as space because you are clinging—do you think that is going to be a positive memory for a return later? Let your MLCer go through her crisis and make your time and space about you. Do what is best for you. With an MLCer in the throes of Replay, you need to separate from the drama for your own mental well-being. Regular contact will just make it too easy for you to cycle emotionally with the Monster emotions. It also gives your MLCer time to go through the crisis separate from the guilt they may have when seeing your pain, which may hold them back if you are not emotionally detached."

[mb28]

Whatnow, that is so weird that you just sent me that website as I was just reading her latest article!!!! Great minds think a like.

I think it was you a few weeks ago that told me about that site and I have been reading it almost every day sense then. Thank you so much!!!!

Sorry that I haven't had much time to catch up on your sitch, how are things going with you?

[WhatNow]

fortysixty.org is another good one, but more for the MLCer.

Thanks for asking! I am good. A bit of drama last weekend that I find entertaining. OW is getting restless. I posted the story on my mlc thread. Otherwise, I am getting stronger, starting to look at my possible futures. ( I was looking at homes online in Boulder! DD16 wants to go to college there, why not follow her?!)

Ah well, I am glad you are "getting a grip". Don't worry about backsliding on the pursuit stuff. It'll happen. Less and less of an urge as time goes on without the affair shining on ya.

[flowmom]

mb, you're making progress . It's always 2 steps forward, one step back of course.

[mb28]

I think I'm going through an anger stage the last couple of days. I need more from WAH then what he is willing to give me. I haven't asked him for anything. But I need something like "How was your day? You look nice. etc." I'm not asking for the moon!!!

I'm just so angry with being plan B and I so bad want to email him and say; "I need more then you are willing to give me, so lets just end it now and move on with our lives". Don't worry, I haven't sent him anything and I don't plan too.

I will have little to no contact with him the next 12 days which I feel is a very good thing, but also scares me.

[newmama]

he could be 180ing you!! mind games...also these things take months not weeks as someone pointedd out.