My husband is supposed to be out of the relationship with the OW for a month now, as I mentioned there is very little contact between us and I really am unsure that it is in fact finished. He is living in a different continent to her now but I think they may be involved in an EA. (he has gone back to her twice now after getting on a plane saying it was finished)I suppose the fact that he is here now and not with her is something, although ther has been talk of her moving here. I pray that is not the case
I understand how you feel with the changes in beahaviour, one day your his best buddy and you have a lovely time together the next day he is a stranger. It's like they loose the memory of the previous day and only remember their original reasons for leaving, and once again for whatever reason you are the enemy. It is very hard to deal with, at least you have contact which is a good thing whether its friendly or not. Being ignored is much harder. Trust me I've had the hot / cold contact and it's better than none.
Unfortunately when we see the person we know we let our guard down and then they drag us in.
After about 4 weeks of positive awakening signs my H has also withdrawn into his tunnel between visits. I makes sure I know he will be cooking tea when he comes next time and when he is here I see lots of new positives. Now between visits he has disappeared. No contact with me or the kids.
Everyone is right. We need more patience by the bucket load!!!!!!!
Today is another day. Positive thoughts coming your way.......
CW - I don't mind you being cheeky...we have to keep our sense of humor...I bet that he'll be better today...what is your bet?
SA - I too hope that he is just navigating through the mess in his head.
D -I never get sick on Amusement Park rollercoasters, but MLC is not amusing and it makes me really nauseous lol.
Forever & Libby - you girls seem to be going through the same bull....
Thank you my friends for trying to cheer me up. I'm little better now, however I'm questioning things.
I went over the last 3 weeks in my head (that's when he said that he wants to R). The day he announced it he was all eager to "work on us", said that the affair is over, that he will read books, go to Marriage counseling...was talking about the future...said all the right things. And that was the only time he was so open about it.
The week after he started to reconnect with D and was helping me when I was sick, came to the house just to spend time with me, but no more "future" or "lets work on it" talk.
And in the last two weeks he went deep into depression and withdrew again. Doesn't see daughter...doesn't seek to spend any alone time with me accept work related or house duties...comes and moves the lawn, cleans the pool etc.
Doesn't talk about himself, what he is going through. Mostly is polite and friendly but sometimes cold, short and unpleasant....like today.
I feel like I'm in a limbo...I have no idea what he is thinking...where things stand in his head
It almost seems that things got worst again...is he back in contact with OW? Makes me wonder. The first time he came back he was like that, the first couple of weeks he would try to get closer to me and then all of a sudden he became cold and detached - I didn't know at the time, but that's when he started communicating with OW again. Should I ask him?
I'm hoping that that's not the case, that he is just depressed and in withdrawal, dealing with his issues and processing. No room for me yet....
I'm seeing him today...we will see what that will bring.
Last edited by Mila; 05/01/1010:39 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
What's your definition of progress? Is progress to you only defined by positive signs?
Progress in MLC is different. What seems like backward movement relationship-wise may be what he needs to make forward movement in the tunnel. This is why you need to stay as even-keeled as possible and to dig deep for patience. His moods and behaviors are going to cycle. Just because he said he wants to reconcile doesn't mean that he's going to stop cycling. Does this make sense?
D, I think you are on the right track with this. I am not sure about the cycling but if you look at the stages of MLC and figure you have to go through all of them. When replay ends(OW leaves) there are still stages of Depression, Withdrawl, and Acceptance. Now granted it doesn't always progress in a linear fashion but it could.
What's happening is normal for him..don't ask him questions, just detach MORE, and allow him time to work through this.
He's moving back and forth within this; I don't think he's in touch with OW...it just looks that way. He deep within his head, thinking things out.
Things don't look right, smell right or taste right at this point; keep letting him go...he will come to you when he gets some things straight in his head..right now, he's still confused and disoriented, and likely doesn't realize what he is doing.
Hang in there, it will be all right.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
(and other DB's, please comment if I`m off here...)
Just reading from the outside, here, but maybe things should be a little harder for the MLC WAS? I know, Mila, you want to keep the door open so that he can find his way back in, but sometimes I wonder if it is too open. What does the MLCer see?
1. His place. Not warm, not inviting, a place where other relationship failed, a place to hide out until figuring out how to move back on track with life.
2. Your place. Warm, inviting.
3. But, your place also represents what, for whatever reason, he tried to run from. Warm and inviting is not enough, he has to reject his decision to run, and want to go back home. To reject it, he has to be totally fed up with his current life, and warm and inviting look like the place to go to get out of the tunnel. I don`t know if this is making sense, but I think you are doing too much for him, so your home is not enough of a beacon. It`s there anyways, not the light shining at the end of the tunnel. Let HIM pick up his check and realize how much of a bother it is, and how awkward it is to have to go to HIS house to get a check to NOT live in his house!! File separately -- because you DO live separately, and your D may even be claimable as a dependent, you can get a lot more money possibly (heck, just throw it back into the business to keep you afloat longer if that`s what helps and calms WH down in the end, lol), and let him have to go to the tax lawyers and figure out how to deal with the uncomfortable issues. Let him spend time doing the mundane tasks of shopping, cooking his own meals, and doing his laundry, so he will LEARN TO APPRECIATE better you and all you do, and see you and the home as the beacon he wants to go to. Mila, I know it`s sounds backwards, but IF he really enjoys doing these things he will not come home and that is the way it is. But chances are, based on everything I`ve read about you guys, he is not jumping to do these chores, and he will not stay away if you don`t do them, he will probably appreciate you more after a short while.
And if OW is going to come to the rescue to do his chores, well, you have no control over that anyways, so ignore her. Assume she is with her children, and even if she leaves, which is hard to believe she will for many reasons, anyways, she would do so because of her and her H and her sitch, NOTHING to do with you. Men like to chase. OW is not doing these things for him. You should not either, at least not so much. He SAID he wants to reconcile. The INTENT is there!!! Now he has to chase you (at least a little bit!) until you let him catch you!
((hugs)) and good luck, you ARE getting somewhere, it takes time, lets hope less time going forward, - SCh
Thanks OP, D, HB & SCH - you all seem to agree that the way he is behaving at this stage is normal...that's encouraging.
SCH - If he didn't ask to R - I would not be doing him any favors, but I will take into consideration what you'd said...maybe I need to re-think again.
H came over today, we worked in the garden, small talk, he was OK and fairly friendly. When we were finished, I made D dinner and offered him some. Then we were sitting outside in the sunshine...didn't talk for a while....kind of semi-comfortable silence. I was waiting if he would start talking and he did. It was kind of strange conversation, don't know what to make of it.
Him - "I love this backyard, it's so beautiful, it would be a shame to sell the house".
Me - "Yes"
Him - "Well, will you?"
Me - "You mean sell it? I don't know...it depends"
Him - "Don't you like living here?"
Me - "I do"
Him - "So you would sell it because you think that it's to big just for you and D"?
Me - "Yes it's to big just for the two of us, but I don't want to sell it"
Then D came and we stopped talking about it.
What was this all about? Was he "fishing" and wanted to know how I feel about him and where I stand about R? Or was he letting me know that he is not planning to move back....I'm lost
Maybe I should have told him that I hope that he will move back with us...I really wanted to...but I didn't...wasn't sure if he is ready to talk about it.
Any ideas?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I have no clue, but I`d be interested in hearing what others say. If you look at my sitch, you`ll see my WH has been drinking the same koolaid as yours!
