Just was catching up on your sitch. You may remember when I first got here(2 months ago) I hijacked your thread. My W has PTSD from child sexual abuse and we had that in common.
I feel a lot of your pain. It is hard for others to understand the extreme sense of wanting to save her. Just thought I'd share a few things that may help you sort through your feelings. My W has done a lot of things that have been very painful for both of us. Mostly the things she does are to herself but as we stand next to them we get mud on us too. You look at this stuff and go OK that sucks...
...then you say well I love her and if I just maybe do this it will get better or do that and then she will get better...then you want to take her pain away...becasue it's not like she's manipulative, it's not like she hates you, she's not conniving or mean spirited at the core...she is a victim. No a SURVIVOR of something that she had no hand in. Something she didn't ask for. Something that was not her choice...and she feels more pain than we will ever know.
This cycle of love/rescue is not healthy and it is harder to detach from than a normal relationship because part of your self worth is tied into being the one who can save her. Think about that DBS. There is fear that she will not be able to take care of herself and if you can take that away YOU feel better. If she finds herself and can take care of herself what does that make you? Not needed anymore?
It's scary but the only healthy direction to go is to let them go...detach from her...
I am not talking about DB tactics I am talking about getting you to a better place. A healthy place.
What do you have to lose? You have to heal at some point. All this pain she's creating and you're standing there willingly taking it as your own. It is only yours if you accept it. What she does is hers it has nothing to do with you. You choose how you let it affect you. You have to break the cycle.
My W is stumbling as she has been for some time. I am tempted each day to offer help, reach out, pick her up, rescue her. But what does that do for her? She feels worse about herself because she can't do it on her own. She has no chance to achieve for herself. Sometimes it gets so bad she actually does reach out to me, and it feels good when she does this and my heart jumps because she NEEDS ME! This is not healthy. It does nothing but send us down the rabbit hole again.
I had to find courage to let her pain be hers and her mistakes be hers and hope that when she likes who she sees in the mirror then maybe, just maybe, she'll see me STANDING next to her and she WANTS me there instead of NEEDING me there.
Anyway I hope sharing this helps because I am walking in your shoes and you are walking in mine.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
