She has summed it up by saying "I can't have what I want." That is, she wants me, she loves me, but she doesn't feel like in our day-to-day marriage that I met her needs. I was preoccupied with work, I was distant, etc. I mean it's all more complicated than that, but let's use it as a first-order approximation.
We went through this before in 2003 and I changed, but she says the changes dissipated over the years.
So - she wants me, but is afraid that if she came back that it would be the same again. She is convinced that we have an unhealthy dynamic which she herself enables. And so to protect herself from being hurt she's forced herself to end the marriage. I think she sees very clearly that right now I'm the man she would want to be with, but does not believe that if she were to be with me I would continue to be that man. She thinks I'm healthier without her. And I suppose that she's healthier without me.
What is it that she gets? Some momentary piece of the relationship that she actually wants but will not commit to.
Is there any way to pop her out? I don't think I'm going to do anything directed at her right now. I'm going to continue to create a healthier life for me and my boys. Am I going to manufacture a scenario to reel her in? At this point, I really don't know what that would be. Even the things she responded to, didn't pull her in.
Here's the deal. She filed for divorce, THEN had the relationship with the OM. Now the OM is gone, and she hasn't come back. What was, let's say, a second-order effect. A symptom, not a cause.
She had said in therapy that if she came back for her it would be a "business decision"
She has been tempted to come back because: - She's scared of the financial situation - She's realized that she's just miserable in general, and if she's going to be miserable she might as well be miserable with the father of her children - She's scared of being lonely
So, right now I think the only thing to do is to make the best freaking life I can without her. And that's great just in general.
She's actually said that, if we're meant to be together, then let's get through the divorce and see if it happens "organically".
There are other things going on here too. I think that she has some self-esteem issues, and she's reached a point in life where it's important to her to stand on her own.
So, all that being said, I'm pretty confident we're not turning back. OK, so it's often said here that the D is just a piece of paper. What about the relationship? What if that re-formed in some way?
Would I want that? Well... Do I trust her? No. Do I need her? No. Do I love her? Yes. Do I want my boys raised in an intact family? Yes. Do I think she's messed up and better left alone? Probably. Can I make a fantastic life without her? Yes. Do I really want to put up with her? No. Do I value marriage and family? Yes. DO I WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN in a couple of years? No.
I've made a number of last-ditch efforts already. I mean seriously, it has been CRAZY.
I got her to go to Retrouvaille, and within two weeks of that she consumated her relationship with OM. I confronted her on her lies about it, and she admitted it all. In response I walked away, told her in definitive terms I was done, I was no longer trying, she was no longer my wife. I said that. I gave her my ring back. I started seeing someone, and it absolutely tore her apart - she was surprised by the magnitude of her response to that. I moved out. Thanksgiving and Christmas we spent together as a family and it was very tense... then New Years we spent together (without the kids) and it was good, and in January it was like we were dating again. And I thought... maybe... and we started going to therapy - and then I stayed the weekend, over which we were intimate a number of times, then it turned out that it was just because she was afraid I'd stop paying the bills. Yeah, that was hard to take.
We went to mediation to talk about a custody plan and support agreement, and she starting talking about pushing off the divorce... and I thought maybe... but no, she changed her mind on that. So we worked out the divorce settlement. And the she talked about delaying signing the papers... but no, she changed her mind on that too. Somewhere in there we had sex again too.
I'm tired of participating.
OK it's 1:00 AM and I need to go to bed. Hopefully this made some sense.
