Hi, warmed my heart to read you all, thanks for dropping in.

Yeah, have been feeling low. Sick with a cold, sick with the news the A is still going on, and finding it near impossible to GAL at 37 weeks pregnant. NM, I remember you talking to me about this last stage in your very early posts to me, and now I am there I agree tototally that you cannot do this last part alone. Walking, standing - it's all tiring. I am sleeping a heck of a lot.

But pushed myself to go out this morning and meet some friends, including my old friend who is housing WAH. I've been uncomfortable with him being in their home for 4-5 months now, and felt they might be coddling him. But he and his wife think that having WAH with them keeps him from leaving for Europe and they hope to help him forge a connection with the baby when she comes. They are no longer fighting for my M. They are only fighting for his relationship with the child. I always get a sting in my heart when I hear this. I realise I still have hope and that hope hurts and that hope is really dragging me down now.

WAH has said to them he would like to attend the birth. I asked him many times between Dec (bomb) and March if he would attend and he said no, or he wasn't sure, or said nothing. Very early on he refused all participation in chosing a midwife, attending birth classes, etc. So I never asked again. And he's never brought it up. They say he is waiting for my lead. But I knew that already - it's sort of obvious it is my call and my call only. But I wanted to know if it was something that frightened him. Apparently not.

I took myself off to the Mother and Baby unit at my maternity hospital to talk with a psych there on Friday. They also said, like you guys have said, that actually the father doesn't need to be present at the birth for bonding purposes. The baby only needs one attachment figure in the first months/year and that's the mother.

NM, I now fully understand why you couldn't give up hope that once WAH met your son, he'd come back. I think the human mind and heart are wired so that a woman cannot detach from their male mate around the time of the birth of their baby....

I think WAH told me it would be good for me to find a stepfather fast because he is doing everything to make me see he is not coming back. And because he is still been driven by something inside him (fear, the A, who knows) to bugger off back to Europe.

What is a father? A father is not the name on the birth certificate. A father is someone who is there, is a constant, is a role model, is there to pick the kids up from school, cuddle them when they cry, take them to the doctors, attend to their needs.