Started by saying she didn't sleep well because of nightmares. I asked her what about and she reluctantly told me. She actually dreamed that I was sleeping with an old high school friend of hers. Then she couldn't get back to sleep.
It wasn't satisfaction; it was more a sense of, I can't save you from this. It was kind of like that feeling you get when someone likes you more than you like them and you don't know what to say.
So, STBXW, or as I'm calling her now, the future former Mrs. Geronimo, was my ride today to a medical procedure where they had to put me out. On the way there, she said that she realized that she had missed me this week and it was good to spend time with me. She also commented that I wasn't freaking out over the procedure, and how calm I was, and that "you really are a different person."
Afterwards when we back got to the house, she ordered a pizza for us all, while we were eating, watching a movie, she kind of rested her leg against me, then said "Is that OK?"
I was seriously groggy, just kind of shrugged. Afterwards I fell asleep, she put a pillow over my head and covered me up. Rubbed her hands through my hair. All that kind of loving caretaking stuff. Again, I was mostly interested in just becoming unconcious.
You know I don't want to be rude to her, but I feel like I'm done with all that. It's been the same pattern this whole time. I'm grateful that she helped me today - but I can't honestly say, "I've missed you too" nor do I want to. I don't crave to connect with her, I don't long for her touch. I honestly barely noticed when her leg was touching me (of course I was recovering from sedation...)
I'm not trying or forcing myself to detach more. I just kind of am I guess. Don't have the compulsion to particiate in the push-pull anymore.
You just want "steady" and all the craziness gone, but its not going to happen. So you think she's going to do be stuck in this "push-pull" cycle?
